unpopular opinion: these speech 100 memes aren’t funny
My landlord says he needs to come talk to me about how high my heating bill is.
I told him, 'My door is always open!'
What do baristas in space get paid with?
I know a lot of jokes about unemployed people
But none of them work.
Why… just… why?
Here’s a collection of boomer Christmas cards for you guys this jolly season
Big bada boom
If you just work hard…
Domestic abuse against men is funny!
I told my wife to shave her pussy
and I woke up bald
How many Brexiteers does it take to change a light bulb?
Only two: One to promise a bright future and another one to screw it up.
If I have twin daughters, I’ll name one Kate.
And I’ll name the other DupliKate.
Over the weekend I took my wife to the theatre to see a performance that was all about puns.
It was a play on words.
When you do a max finding algorithm
My ex girlfirend
My ex-girlfriend used to give me nicknames whilst giving me head. "The Impaler" was my favourite. Well, at least, that's what I thought she said…. Turns out she's asthmatic and it's my fault she died.
Why haven’t the aliens visited our solar system yet?
Bad reviews… only 1 star.
Makes you wonder
I never wanted to believe, that my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home,
All the signs were there.
I accidentally drank holy water with my laxatives.
I’m about to start a religious movement.
I have a fear of over-designed buildings.
I have a complex complex complex.
I don’t know if this counts but
Found this on my uncle’s Facebook. Seemed like a perfect fit for this sub
I threw my wife a bukakke party the other night…
Everybody came.. You should have seen her face
what is the sound of an ambulance in an anime?
Why people think covid19 is a hoax
My daughter really changed a lot after becoming a vegan.
It’s like I’ve never seen herbivore.
My late father once said
Sorry I’m late.
Personally, i dont like python
Math seems to check out
Trump on Trump
I called my son a bloody disappointment and my girlfriend burst out into tears
Appartently, she's sensitive about her miscarriage
A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table.
As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon, and set it on the table. The diner was impressed. "Do all the waiters here carry spoons in their pockets?" The waiter replied, "Yes. Ever since an efficiency expert visited our restaurant. He determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen." The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented, "Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?" The waiter replied, "Yes, we all do. Seems that the same efficiency expert determined that we spend too much time washing our hands after using the men's room. So, the other end of that string is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply pull the string, do my thing, and then return to work. Having never touched myself, there really is no need to wash my hands. Saves a lot of time." "Wait a minute," said the diner, "How do you get your penis back in your pants?" "Well, I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon."
Where’s the lie?
Just as I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
The American Dream
Frem Red Coat to Red Hat
A wholesome edit for a change :)
Mahatma Ghandi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an incredible set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail. Plus, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis. Edit: I do now realize I misspelled Gandhi. I cannot edit the title, just know that I see it and am sorry.
A guy with flame tattoo sleeves walks into a building.
Security stops him and says there are no firearms allowed in this building.
That’s what’s up
Never have I been this disappointed in my peers.
cat in the ~hat~ box
Violence is unacceptable.
Are iron chelators indicated in primary and secondary hemochromatosis or just secondary?
Zanki GI deck insinuates iron chelators are used for primary hemochromatosis, but the zanki pharm deck says you dont normally use them in primary hemochromatosis, and mainly just in secondary or iron toxicity.
Harry Potter walks into a bar.
Because I put them on his bedroom window.
I’m a social vegan
I avoid meet
My wife tried to order an exotic snake online, but when the package arrived, it contained only feathered scarves…
Looks like the boa cons tricked her…
I decided to quit my job and become a museum curator, but to be honest
I'm just doing it for the Monet
What does an annoying pepper do?
It get’s jalapeño face…
Where does Elsa order her sandwiches?
Why do people love whiteboards so much?
They're just remarkable
This is just too evil…
What is it called when an amputee does karate?
Ah yes fetus deletus all the gletchus
Ahh those days…
Single dinosaur near you
I was once in a relationship with twins.
Whenever someone would ask me how can I tell the difference. l said it is very easy: Jennifer always painted her nails in red and George has a dick.
As I regained consciousness from last nights car crash.
The Doctors were trying to convince me, I'm actually a Swedish bloke who had forgotten his identity… But I wasn't Bjorn yesterday!
A guy broke into my garage and stole my limbo pole last night…
Seriously, how low can you go?!
When you accidentally forget the .gitignore
Before I die, I’m going to eat a whole bag of unpopped popcorn…
That should make the cremation a little more interesting…
*laughs in pathetic*
What’s the last thing a Tickle-Me-Elmo gets before leaving the factory?
Two test tickles.
The Art Of The Wives
I used to smoke weed and go to the class…
sneak in ten minutes late with a bullshit excuse. Slink down low at my desk. Pray to God nobody asked me any questions. I was the best teacher ever.
My wife and I are following a Ketogenic, low carb diet plan, but this morning I cheated and had a donut for breakfast.
Oddly enough, when I came clean during dinner this evening, she seemed only upset about the pastry and not at all that I had slept with another woman.
My generation knows how to fix cars
A man’s car breaks down outside of a monastery.
A man is driving home from a buisness trip. As he has a pretty low paying job, he doesn't have the best of cars. After a few hours of driving, he drives past a monastery. Unfortunately his car breaks down right in front of the monastery. Being a man of God, he obviously figures, "I bet the monks will let me stay with them while my car is repaired." So he goes to the front gate and knocks on the door. A man in robes answers. He tells the monk his predicament and the monk, being a monk, lets him stay the night, and even helps with repair costs for his car. While the business man is sleeping that night, he hears this strange noise. It just perplexes him, and for the life of him, he can't figure out what it is. He decides when he wakes up in the morning, he'll ask the monks about it. When he wakes up, he finds the monk who he met when his car first broke down, and asks him, "Can you tell me what that noise I heard was last night?" The monk replies, "I'm sorry, brother. I cannot tell you, for you are not a monk." The man accepts this. He thanks the monks for their graciousness, and goes about his way when he gets his car back. 3 years later, he is driving on another business trip. And wouldn't you know it, his car breaks down in front of the monastery again. Again, he figures, he can stay the night. And, of course, the monks let him stay and offer him the same help as before. And once again, during the night, he hears that noise. He has no idea what it could be. He decides to ask the monk once again, with hopes that he would trust him more this time around. In the morning he meets the monk again, and asks, "I'm sorry for asking again, but what is that noise!?" The monk replies, "I cannot tell you, for you are not a monk." The man says, "Alright! I'll become a monk! What do I need to do!?" The monk replies, "I need you to travel the world, and count every blade of grass if you truly wish to become a monk." The man swiftly accepts and leaves all of his worldly possessions behind him to travel the world on this mission. He goes to all corners of the globe counting grass blades. After 50 years, he comes back to the monastery. He gives the monk accurate numbers and the monks give him monk-hood. And obviously, the first thing he wants to do is find out what that noise was. So he asks the head monk. The head monk beckons him to follow him and he does. After a few minutes of walking through corridors and rooms, they happen upon a wooden door. The man can hear the noise. He gets excited. The head monk hands him a brass key. He reaches with the key to the lock, and unlocks the door. There is another door though. This time iron. And the monk hands him an iron key. This happens again and again. So many types of doors and keys. Every thing you could imagine. Glass doors, gold doors. Everything Finally, they get to a door made of solid diamond. The noise is louder than ever. The monk hands the man the final key. He opens the door and finally sees what has been making the noise. But I can't tell you what it is, because you aren't a monk.
CSS is life