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Today my daughter told me “Dad, your jokes are bad”
I was sad until she told me "Don't worry I'm just kidding, nothing could be father from the truth."
My local supermarket stocks the Raspberry Pi magazines in the cooking section
https://ift.tt/2of0OUy
Everyone knows that the zip code for Beverly Hills is 90210 thanks to the show, but not as many people know the zip code to Dawson’s Creek.
It’s 90108 …for our lives to be over…
Most slutty costume for Halloween goes to?
That girl dressed up as my professor, she barely covered anything important.
A cop pulled someone over
Cop: I pulled you over because you were driving on the wrong side of the road. Driver: Sorry, I'm English. Cop: (Loudly) it's the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
Why did the twin elephants have to leave the beach?
They only had a pair of trunks!
I farted in an Apple store and everyone got mad at me.
I told them it’s not my fault you don’t have windows.
My Cocaine Is So White
Police Let It Go With A Warning
If you build a man a fire he will be warm for a day.
If you set a man on fire he will be warm for the rest of his life.
I got gas today for $1.39.
Unfortunately it was at Taco Bell.
What do you call the bad side of Italy?
The spaghetto
One piece of advice my dad always gave me is to learn early from your mistakes.
Probably why I’m the only child.
I decided to try something new and get my wife a box of red hot chili peppers for Valentines
she told me "give it away, give it away, give it away NOW" !
What do you call a French man wearing sandals?
Phillippe Phillop.
“Officer, are you crying while writing me a ticket?”
Cop: it’s a …..moving violation.
I used to like Mitch Hedberg
I still do, but I used to too
Did you know the first French fries where not made in France?
They where made in grease.
I feel like a car with twenty wheels today.
Very tired
I love Harry Potter but after re-reading the chapter the death-day party I realized something about nearly headless nick
He was a very poorly executed character
I once had a hen who could count her own eggs.
She was a mathemachicken.
My wife told me to stop singing Wonderwall
I said maybe.
Why are we running out of toilet paper?
Cos when 1 person sneezes a 100 people shit themselves.
I had a hen who could count her own eggs
She was a mathamachicken
A sixteen year-old boy came home with a brand new Ford F150.
His parents look at the truck and ask, "Where did you get that truck?!" "I bought it today," he says. "With what money?" says his mother. They knew what a new F150 cost. "Well," he says, "this one cost me just fifteen dollars." The father looks at him like he's crazy. "Who would sell a truck like that for fifteen dollars?" he says. "It was the lady up the street," says the boy. "I don't know her name – they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy her F150 for fifteen dollars." "Oh my Goodness!" says the mother. "Maybe she's mentally ill or has Alzheimer's something. John, you better go see what's going on." So the boy's father walks up the street to the house where the lady lives and finds her out in the yard calmly planting petunias. He introduces himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a new Ford F150 truck for fifteen dollars and asks to know why she did it. "Well," she says, "two days ago my husband left on a business trip. Yesterday I got a phone call from his boss and found out that he really ran off to Hawaii with his secretary and doesn't intend to come back." "Oh, my goodness, I'm so sorry," the father says. "But what does that have to do with my son and your truck?" "Well, this morning he called and told me he was stranded because he got robbed of his wallet with all his credit cards and cash. He told me to sell his new F150 and send him the money. So I did."
WHAT DO WE WANT?! Low flying airplane noises! WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?!
Neeeeeeeeeeeooowwwwwwwwwww.
How do you spot a blind man on a nude beach?
It’s not hard
The Pen..
Mike says to Jack, “I found this pen, is it yours?” Jack replies, “Don’t know let me see.” He then tries it and says, “Yes it is.” Mike asks, “How do you know?” Jack replies, “That’s my handwriting..”.
What do you call a cage filled with Quarters, Dimes, and Pennies?
Nickel-less Cage!
I keep hearing people say these SoCal earthquakes are being caused by the heat or as punishment for how we have been acting. I think they are wrong.
It is actually the San Andreas's fault.
I got the words “jacuzzi” and “yakuza” confused.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
A man with a 25 inch penis…
Was having a hard time getting laid so he goes to the doctor. The doctor said “No, I’m sorry but you will have to go to a surgeon”. The man goes to the surgeon and the surgeon said “ Sorry there’s nothing I can do but you can try a witch doctor”. So the man thought at this point he might as well give it a try. So he goes to the witch doctor and the witch doctor said” Oh, that’s easy. Just climb up the Bear Mountains and go down Bear Mountains. Fog will appear then disappear. Once the fog disappear, a frog will appear on a lily pad. Ask that frog if that frog will marry you.” So the man goes up the Bear Mountains, down the Bear Mountains, fog appears, fog disappeared. A frog appears on a lily pad. The man ask the frog if he will marry him. The frog says no and the man felt a trembling and shake, looked down his pants and noticed his penis shrank by 5 inches. The man asked the frog again, “Frog, will you marry me?”. The frog again said no. The man felt the trembling and shaking again and noticed his penis shrank by 5 more inches. He thought to himself, “This is great! All I gotta do is ask the frog one more time and he will say no and I’ll have a 10 in perfect penis and every woman will want to have sex with me”. He proceeded to ask the frog one more time “Frog, will you marry me?” The frog looks up at him and said “How many times I gotta tell you? NO, NO, NO!”
