Until the bitter end
To the person who stole my coffee, my lamp and my parrot
I don’t know how you sleep at night
Did you hear about the 8 that fell over?
It took them forever to get back up.
I met a man standing on one leg at an ATM. I asked him what he was doing.
He said “Oh, I was just checking my balance”
Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it got stuck in a crack
I went for my interview to be a bus driver.
I said, "Sorry I'm late." They said, "You're hired"
I asked Ryu if i could learn martial arts at his level yesterday
He said: “Suuuuureee YOU can!”
Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing the world. In an effort to solve this dilemma, he decided that a few apostles would return to earth and fetch a sample of each drug, so they could understand what these substances did…
Two days after the operation is implemented, the disciples begin to return. Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in each disciple. "Who is it?" "It's Mark." Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Mark?" "Marijuana from Colombia." "Very well son, come in." Another soft knock is heard. "Who is it?" "It's Matthew." Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Matthew?" "Cocaine from Bolivia." "Very well son, come in." At the next knock Jesus asks, "Who is it?" "It's John." Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring John?" "Crack from New York." "Very well son, come in." Someone starts pounding on the door. "Who is it?" "It's Judas!" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Judas?" "FREEZE! THIS IS THE DEA!"
The manual in my car says that I shouldn’t turn the stereo volume to the maximum.
That’s….sound advice.
What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter?
An Irrelephant.
Why do police in Hong Kong go to work early?
They like to beat the crowd
I’d like to tell my lasagna joke here,
…but it’s multi-layered and way too cheesy
Why did the blond put lipstick on her fourhead?
Because she wanted to make her mind.
Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar
You can't tell me that's just a coincidence.
A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day.
She wasn’t unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing. She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak to them. Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money for something she carried in her bag. The couple assumed she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn’t know for sure they just continued to watch her. After a couple of weeks the wife asked, “Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?” He hadn’t and said so. Then she said, “Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she’s really doing.” Well, the plan went off without a hitch, and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road. “Well, is she selling drugs?” she asked excitedly.” “No, she’s not.” he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have. “Well, what is it, then?” his wife fairly shrieked. The man grinned and said. “Her name is Sally and she’s selling batteries.” “Batteries?” cried the wife. “Yes,” he replied. “Sally sells C cells by the Seashore.”
There are so many beautiful castles in Wales, but I only had time to visit one.
I chose Caerphilly.
My wife only eats one type of yogurt and refuses to try any other brand.
She discriminates against other cultures.
What do forklifts and girls have in common ?
If you don't have one, you'll have to unload by hand.
“Dad, how do you cast spells?”
"You just follow the instructions." "Which instructions?" "Yeah, they're the ones."
If something were heat resistant…
Would you say it's heat proof, to a certain degree?
People in Germany were hoarding sausage and cheese due to the pandemic,
It was the wurst käse scenario.
Why did the slave go to college?
So he could pickup his Master's degree.
Life is like a box of chocolates
It doesn't last long for fat people.
We really need to stop using this assholes name as being better than something
https://ift.tt/31878Od
For my birthday, my kids got me an alarm clock that swears at you instead of beeping.
That was quite a rude awakening.
Trumpets and Gun
In a small town, a man just opened a small store selling trumpets and guns. One day his neighbor pays him a visit and says, "So how is your strange business going?""What do you mean strange?""Because you sell only trumpets and guns!""So?""Well, let me put it this way, what do you sell the most, trumpets or guns?""It evens itself out. Each time a customer buys a trumpet, one of his neighbors buys a gun."
My girlfriend threw some Omega 3 capsules at me today…
It’s okay though, I only have super fish oil injuries.
Dad: Hey, remember tomorrow is Father’s Day!
Me: Yeah, but it’s son day as well.
How are women like swimming pools?
They cost a great deal of money to maintain considering the time you spend inside.
How do mathematicians get rid of constipation?
They work it out with a pencil.
For Christmas, I bought my wife new beads for her abacus.
It's the little things that count!
An Italian guy, a Polish guy, and a Japanese guy all apply for a job at an office.
The manager hires all three and tells the Italian, "Ok, you take care of the inventory". Tells the Polish guy, "You take care of accounting" and tells the Japanese guy, "You take care of supplies." The manager comes back after an hour and sees the Italian guy and the Polish guy working, but he can't find the Japanese guy anywhere. So all of them start looking for him. After hours of searching, they still can't find him so they give up and turn to go home for the evening when suddenly, the Japanese guy jumps out of nowhere and screams "SUPPLIES!!!!"
What do you call an exploding duck?
A firequacker
What type of bread can fly?
A plane bagel
I recently overheard two chess enthusiasts in a hotel lobby. They were bragging about their previous victories
They were chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
Why did the teddy bear say “no” to dessert?
Because she was stuffed.