I saw a midget climbing down a prison wall.
It was a little condescending
What did the fisherman say to the magician?
Pick a Cod, any Cod
I was walking with my girlfriend when a random guy whistled at her and said, “Nice ass”. She was clearly annoyed and demanded I say something.
So I turned around and said, "Thank you I've been doing squats."
My daughter, 8, asked me what happens to frogs who illegally park their cars.
"I don't know," I said. With a gleam in her eye, she squealed "They get toad!!" Dad win there.
One day, a father is putting his daughter to bed.
After the father leaves, he hears her saying her prayers. He hears her say, '' God bless mommy, daddy, and grandma, rest in peace grandpa. The father hears all of this and barges back into the room. He asks her, '' Why did you say the last part? '' The daughter replies, '' Because I needed to. '' The next day, grandpa dies. The father thinks, '' Is this just a coincidence? '' That night he tucks her daughter into bed. He leaves the room to only hear her prayers again. He hears, '' Bless mommy and daddy, rest in peace grandma. '' The father now is thinking, '' Holy shit, my daughter can see into the future? '' The next day, grandma dies. A week later nothing happens, but the night before Sunday, he is tucking his daughter into bed once more. He leaves and listens for any more prayers. Sure enough, there is another prayer. He hears, '' Bless you mommy, rest in peace daddy. '' The father starts panicking and saying, '' Holy shit! I'm going to die tomorrow! '' The following start of the next day consisted the father being alert all the time, checking the clock, looking around the room, etc. He goes to work to do the same things, being alert, all of that. He looks at the clock again 3 hours later. It's past midnight. The father says, '' How is this possible? I should be dead! '' He goes home and finds his wife on the couch with a scared look on her face. She asks, '' What took you so long!? '' The father says, '' Listen honey, today I haven't had the best of days. '' Then as soon as he is about to tell what happened, she bursts out, '' I saw the mailman die yesterday! ''
I asked my friend Sam to sing a song about the iPhone.
And then Samsung.
I found a hearing aid outside my garden gate.
When I saw my neighbour I asked, "Excuse me sir, is this yours?" The ignorant bastard just ignored me.
I was told i could look at an eclipse with a colander.
I tried it and it just strained my eyes.
My ex and I had a safe word
So when things would get a little too rough in the bedroom, she'd yell, "Marry me!" and I would pull out, leave her apartment, and not call her for a few weeks. Super safe.
“I didn’t have time for the impeachment, and presidents don’t play golf during pandemics.”
https://ift.tt/2LQWyWW
What do you call a priest that’s also a lawyer?
A father in law
I know the whole truth.
At school, Little Johnny's classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it's very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth." Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. Johnny's mother greets him at home, and he tells her, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father." Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother." Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!"
ONE OF MY KIDS BROKE MY CAPS LOCK KEY.
I’M NOT UPSET, BUT DON’T KNOW HOW TO SHOW IT.
What kind of bees produce milk ?
Boo bees
How do planets clean themselves?
They take a meteor shower! ☄️
My teacher says I’m pretty good at addition but I’m terrible at subtraction.
I don't get the difference.
Why is it called the Dark Age?
Because of all the Knights.
An old man applies for a job as a woodcutter,
but the boss doesn't think he's fit enough. He tells the boss he is able to cut down any tree in a single swing. To prove this, he goes outside, hits a five foot tree with his axe, and it falls over. The boss is impressed. The old man then repeats this with a ten foot tree. Then a thirty foot tree. Finally, he takes his axe up to an 80 foot redwood, swings, and the giant tree comes tumbling down. The boss is amazed, and asks the man how he learned to do that. The man says "I practiced in the Sahara forest." "Don't you mean the Sahara desert?" The boss asks. "Well yes," says the old man, "that's what they call it now."
Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.
That's just how I roll.
What kind of bees makes milk?
Boo-bees
I always encourage everyone I know to wear two different deodorants, one under each armpit.
But that’s just my two scents.
My wife was worried about meeting new people on our upcoming cruise.
I said “Don’t worry we’ll all be in the same boat”
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer the other day…
I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day.
porno_collection.zip
* sigh * unzips
I had to get a loan to pay for an exorcism.
They said if I didn’t pay it back on time I’d get repossessed.
How do you get dragon milk?
From a cow with short legs.
Why does a chicken coop have 2 doors?
Because if it had 4 doors it would be a chicken sedan
Today at the gym I asked a girl what her new year’s resolution was.
She said "Fuck you". So I'm pretty excited for 2019.
We all know about Murphy’s Law – Anything that can go wrong will go wrong. But have you heard of Cole’s Law?
It’s thinly sliced cabbage.
An Irishman walls into a bar in Dublin..
orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells him, “You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it, and it would taste better if you bought one at a time.” The Irishman replies, well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other is in Australia, and I’m in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each o’me brothers and one for me self.” The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.” The Irishman looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs. “Oh, no, everybody’s just fine,” he explains, “It’s just that my wife had us join that Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. But it hasn’t affected me brothers though.”
IKEA has been accused of evading over $500 million in taxes. Apparently, prosecutors have been after them for years…
…but they're having a really hard time putting their case together.
TIL I learned to Never buy shoes from a drug dealer
I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
“Aye, matey”
What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
If we don’t get some support around here, people are gonna think we’re nuts!
Did you hear about the guy who’s left side was cut off?
He’s all right now.
What odd number is no longer odd when you remove a letter?
Seven. If you you remove the S it becomes even. Heard from my nine year old three minutes ago. I’ve never been more proud.
Guys who try to pick up girls through Reddit are pathetic
Ladies if you agree with me message me your number and we can discuss it more. Maybe over dinner or a movie or something.
I was just on the toilet having my morning movement. My wife walked up and said she was proud of me
"You're not holding on to last year's shit" My wife beat me to the first dad joke of the year. Damnit
Do you know why there are fewer ‘all men are trash’ posts now?
Christmas is coming
A child is ill and the make a wish foundation asks what he would like more than anything. The child thinks about it and says, “I’d like to trade places with Donald Trump!”
They interpret as he wants to know what it's like to be president for a day. So they ask Trump, he obliges. Trump meets the child and asks, "So you want to know what it's like to be president?" The child, disappointed, retorts "No, I just wanted you to have cancer."