Upgrades how ?
What does a fish wear when he wants to blend in?
A gillie suit.
An unkempt teenager with his pants hanging half off his bottom walked into the local welfare office to pick up his welfare payment.
He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just H A T E drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing." The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We Just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and a bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his new Mercedes-Benz and he will supply all of your clothes." The social worker then went on to explain further"Because of The long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive." The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!" The social worker said, "Yeah, well…You started it!"
Joke
Job interviewer: “And where would you see yourself in five years’ time, Bob?" Bob: "Personally I believe my biggest weakness is in listening."
What is the tallest building in the world?
The library,it's got the most stories
In one lost episode, Superman almost dies because he was wearing the wrong sized cloak.
He had a narrow S cape.
I almost got caught stealing a board game today…
But it was a Risk I was willing to take
Recently I lost my friend’s trust and respect..
He didn't like to see me sniffing his little sister's panties. Maybe it was because she was wearing it, other than that I don't see what could have bothered him. Anyway, the rest of her funeral went very badly for me.
Student loans you got me through college
I don’t think I can ever repay you
Q: Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?
A: In case he got a hole in one.
Found this on my computer science teacher’s webpage
A helicopter with a pilot and a single passenger was flying around above Seattle when a malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's navigation and communications equipment. Due to the darkness and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to get back to the airport. The pilot saw a tall building with lights on and flew toward it, the pilot had the passenger draw a handwritten sign reading, "WHERE AM I?", and hold it up for the building's occupants to see. People in the building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said, "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER." The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the passenger asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position. The pilot responded, "I knew that had to be the Microsoft support building, they gave me a technically correct but entirely useless answer."
A lamb, a drum and a snake fell off a cliff.
Ba dum tss
Someone told me my clothes were gay
I said "I know. They came out of the closet this morning."
Did you hear about the guy who invented the ‘Knock Knock’ joke ?
He won the "No-Bell Prize"
A one-man police department was disbanded. The chief left the town meeting in his underwear
https://ift.tt/2SJYMM4
Why was the cheese happy in the kitchen?
He thought he was grater than everyone else.
My 8 year old cousin: ” Why did the chicken cross the road?”
8yo cousin: To get to the idiot's house. Me (patronizingly): Oh..uh..yeah good one haha. 8yo cousin: Wanna hear another one? Knock knock Me: Who's there 8yo: The chicken.
What do you call a sword that doesn’t weigh much?
A light saber
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and screams, “Give me all your money or you’re geography!”
The teller replies, “Don’t you mean history?” The robber says, “Don’t change the subject!"
A sandwich walks into a bar.
The bartender say, “ we don’t serve food here”
Did you know the first French fries weren’t actually cooked in France?
They were cooked in Greece.
A boy in Brooklyn is outside of a candy shop shoveling candy in his mouth. A man approaches the boy and says, “Don’t eat candy, kid. It’s not good for you.”
The boy replied, "My grandfather lived until he was 97." "Really," said the man. "Did he eat a lot of candy, too?" The boy replied, "No, but he minded his own fucking business."
Why was 11am afraid of 12am?
It hated the dark.
What do you call a witch that only eats sand?
Malnourished.
A man went into a toy store and ripped the arms off of every teddy bear in the store. Why did the judge let him go free?
He had the right to bear arms.
The 1st day at school: the new student named Jose Armando, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the 5th grade.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'" She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Jose, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775." "Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, "Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?" Again, no response except from Jose :"Abraham Lincoln, 1863." The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed! Jose, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do!" She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans!" "Who said that? " she demanded. Jose put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836. At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?" Again, Jose answered, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991." Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!" Jose jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!" The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble now!" Jose whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003." Finally someone throws an eraser at Jose, someone shouted "Duck"! Teacher, just waking, asked "Who said that? Jose: "Dick Cheney, 2006 "
“This is your captain speaking,
AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING."
In the early 1900’s, a number of protests arose because of employment of children in coal mines.
I suppose you could say the owners had a minor minor miner problem.
Nvidia RTX 2080 Ti Owner’s reaction to the reveal of Nvidia RTX 3070 (Featuring Robert De Niro)
https://youtu.be/L9TXOp4TBOg
A man was walking his dog through a graveyard when he saw a man kneeling behind a headstone.
‘Morning’ the walker shouted. ‘No, just having a shit’ the man replied.