Upgrades
What Apple interviews must be like for Software Engineers post iOS 14 (Virtual Onsite Zoom)
https://youtu.be/QR5v579LsWA
I wrote a joke about minorities.
It's a bit different to the other ones you've heard.
It’s a known fact that cows produce more milk when the farmer talks to them
It's a case of in one ear and out the udder.
Yo Mama so fat
I swerved to avoid her in the road and ran out of gas
Harry Potter has way too many characters…
Even J.K. Rolling has a hard time keeping all the characters straight.
Why did the blind man fall in a well?
Because he couldn’t see that well
A newly wed couple are in bed together
A newly wed couple are in bed together. The wife reaches over to grab her husband. "Oh my God, it's so big" she said. The husband gave a pleased hum. "Are they all this big?" She asked. "More or less," he said. "It's halfway down your thigh!" She exclaimed. "Yeah," he said nonplussed. "I want this so bad," she moaned. "I can see that," he replied amused. "Half the time the pockets on my pants are fake!" Note: this was an actual conversation I had with my wife
Three logicians enter a bar
The bartender asks them: "Do all three of you want beer?" The first one said: "I don't know." The second also said: "I don't know." The third one said: "Yes."
NSFW I once got my ex’s name tattooed on my penis…
Her name was Wendy and i had it done when I was hard and now you can only see W and Y when soft. One day I was on holiday in Jamaica, using the restroom I noticed a Jamaican man with the same WY tattoo. I asked if he had Wendy tattooed on his penis aswell. He replied: "nah bro it says, Welcome to Jamaica and have a nice day"
Today I had my appointment with my psychiatrist
He thinks that I'm paranoid. He didn't say it, but I know he's thinking it.
What do you call a Mexican standoff with only 2 people?
A Juan on Juan
A guy with flame tattoo sleeves walks into a building and gets stopped by security.
The security guard tells the guy there are no firearms allowed.
Welcome back to the plastic surgery addicts support group
I'm seeing a lot of new faces here and I must say I'm very disappointed…
Me: Mom meet my girlfriend.
Mom: You sure about this? I think you deserve better. Me: But mom, I love her so much! Mom: I'm talking to her.
What do you call breasts that have both magnitude and direction?
Vector quantitties
I just found a dead body in the street
So I took it home and put it on the cat's pillow See how she fucking likes it !
Her: What do you do?
Me: I race cars. Her: Do you win many races? Me: No, the cars are much faster.
A husband and his wife were sitting at a table at her 20th high school reunion
She kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink, as he sat alone at a nearby table. The husband asks: “do you know him?” “Yes”, she sighed. “He’s my old boyfriend. I understand he started drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and i hear he hasn’t been sober since.” “My god!”, says her husband. “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”
Trump & Obama are in a barber shop…
Getting fresh cuts and shaves. They’re sitting right next to each other. Everyone is on edge; nobody is saying a word. Trump’s shave finishes first and the barber asks if he wants aftershave. Trump smells it and says “No way! That stuff smells like a whorehouse! I go home smelling like that and Melania’s going to think I was up all night fucking whores bigly! It will get me in so much trouble!” Obama’s shave finishes and his barber asks Obama if he wants aftershave. Obama says, “Sure! My wife doesn’t know what a whorehouse smells like.”
My brother and I laugh at how competitive we were as kids.
But I laugh more.
I heard they came up with a millennial version of the Monopoly game.
They just walk around the board paying rent, never able to buy anything.
Just heard that Harry is thinking of taking up painting full time after stepping down from the Royal family.
He'll be the artist formerly known as Prince.
I call my horse Mayo
And sometimes Mayo Neighs. (My dad plays RedDead Redemption and he legitimately caught a horse just to make this joke)
I almost got caught trying to steal a board game yesterday.
It was a risk I was willing to take.
Why are women and children evacuated first in a disaster?
So we can think about a solution in silence.
Why is it easy to come up with nicknames for a tree?
Because they stick. I came up with this one, I hope it's good cause it's my only achievement in life.
Why don’t Africans eat at the restaurant?
Because they always Ghana order Togo.
When you take a pen name ….
… that's a nom de plume. When you take a name for war, that's a nom de guerre. When you take a name for an eating contest, that's a nom de om nom nom.
A C-130 is being escorted by two F-16s
Tired from following the slow-moving plane, one of the F-16 pilots tells his partner, "Hey watch what I can do." With that, he leaves the C-130's side and performs a series of barrel rolls. "That's nothing" says the second F-16 pilot and he also leaves his spot and does even more spectacular tricks. The two F-16s continue showing off. When they finally fall back into place the C-130 pilot comes on the mike. "I bet I can do something you can't" he says. "Yeah, right, prove it" says one of the F-16 pilots. "Watch this," says the C-130 pilot and continues flying in a straight line. After a few minutes, the F-16 pilot comes back on the mic and says "We didn't see anything, you liar" "You're the liar" the C-130 pilot says, "I went to the bathroom for a smoke break and a dump."
My 11yo daughter just made up a joke. What do politicians thing of themselves?
That they're politicool… Im biased but i think its genius
I’m Robin Hood, I take from the rich to give to the poor!
A poor peasant is traveling the woody paths of Barnsdale, when a hooded man walks up to him. Robin Hood: "HALT!" "I am Robin Hood, I take from the rich to give to the poor, now give me all your money!" Peasant: "I have nothing, I've been hungry for years you see" Robin Hood: "Very well then poor man, take this!" Robin Hood gives the poor man a sack, filled to the brim with gold coins. He then fades away into the forest. The peasant stares in disbelief, exclaiming: "I can't believe it, I'm Rich!" "HALT!"
I just saw a woman on horseback.
I never knew horses even got tattoos.
Hmmm, doesn’t quite work when you’re still standing two foot next to each other.
https://ift.tt/2JK3nIV
