Uploaded by my mom in the family group chat
I never say curse words
I swear
A flat-Earther died, and to his surprise found himself standing on a cloud in front of the gates of heaven
A flat-Earther died, and to his surprise found himself standing on a cloud in front of the gates of heaven. God himself was there and told him he would be happy to answer any questions the man might have – about anything across the entirety of Space and Time. So of course the man said – "Was I right? Is the earth actually flat?" and God chuckled and said "Of course not". The man shook his head in disbelief, shaken to his very core, before murmuring "…this goes even higher than I thought…"
How did the vegan start eating meat?
Cold turkey.
Why does Trump take Xanax?
For Hispanic Attacks.
Can’t wait to see Liam Neeson’s new film
Taken: Out Of Context.
I dropped the soap in the prison shower today.
A big inmate, with a cock like a python, handed it back to me. "Nice try, you ugly cunt," he said.
Dad: “Knock, knock!” Kid: “Who’s there?”
Dad: Spell! Kid: Spell who? Dad: W… H… O…
I just flew in from a Transformers convention
And boy are my arms tires
Did you hear about the dwarf that escaped by rappelling from Alcatraz?
I would tell you, but it’s a little condescending.
Did you hear about the banana that was a prosecutor?
He won the conviction, but slipped up on appeal.
Whats my age again?
A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”. ‘About 32,’ is the reply.’ ‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily. A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’ Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question. The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’ Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’ While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’ They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’ He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay…..How old am I?’ He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’ Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’ ‘I was behind you at McDonalds’.
Doctor: “Have you been drinking enough fluids lately?”
Me: "That's literally all I drink."
The New Year’s celebration at Times Square was pretty disappointing.
They really dropped the ball this time.
I call my hand Handy and my foot Footy. What do I call my dick?
Useful. Because it always comes in Handy.
I put batteries in a mouse
For some reason I was kicked out of the pet store
While driving to work, robbers jumped into my car and stole everything.
They were pirates of the car I be in.
My friend got mad at me for smelling his sisters underwear.
I don’t know if it was because she was still wearing them or because the rest of the family was there. Either way it made the rest of the funeral very awkward.
I was fired from the keyboard factory yesterday
I guess I wasn't putting in enough shifts
A blonde joke
A blonde gets an opportunity to fly to a nearby country. She has never been on an airplane anywhere and was very excited and tense. As soon as she boarded the plane, a Boeing-747, she started jumping in excitement, running over seat to seat and starts shouting, "BOEING! BOEING!! BOEING!!! BO….." She sort of forgets where she is, even the pilot in the cock-pit hears the noise. Annoyed by the goings on, the Pilot comes out and shouts "BE SILENT!" There was pin-drop silence everywhere and everybody is looking at the blonde and the angry Pilot. She stared at the pilot in silence for a moment, concentrated really hard, and all of a sudden started shouting,"OEING! OEING! OEING! OE…."
Wrong impressions
You know when you get the wrong impression of people? I thought this: “Man, he petty.” But he just did my nails.
Been out washing the car with my son.
He said Dad why don’t you use a sponge like the other dads?
Twitch is changing its guidelines on its “body part” content
Twitch is changing its guidelines on its “body part” content
Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears
11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.
What did the casket say to the other casket?
Is that you coffin?
Bro, can you pass me that pamphlet?
Brochure.
Guys I tried to think of a social distancing joke
but this is as close as I could get
Wind
Nature’s biggest fan
A man goes to a dear friend’s funeral. He asks the widow if he could say a word for the deceased.
She says "Go ahead". He says "Plethora". She thinks for a second, looks down and replies "Thank you. That means a lot".
In Las Vegas people can tithe by dropping casino chips into the offertory.
And at the end of each weekend, there is a Brother that goes around to all the casinos to cash them out and make a deposit. He's the Chip Monk.
My friend set me up on a blind date with her vegetarian friend but I’m kind of nervous…
I’ve never met herbivore.
A very shy guy goes into a bar
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"