Upsetting priorities
Recruiter: ,,Can you explain the gap in your resume?” 💬
Recruiter: ,,Can you explain the gap in your resume?” 💬
Where did Noah keep the bees on his Ark?
The Ark hives.
Europe is like a fridge
You have the freezing cold part at the top Then in the middle, you have cheese, cold meat, and a good drinks selection Then down the bottom corner, there's just turkey and grease
Does my Thai girlfriend have a penis?
Something inside me says yes.
A man dies, and wakes up on a beach…
There are girls playing beach volleyball, barbeques everywhere, laughter and joy. All of a sudden, Satan comes up to him. "Welcome to hell. Enjoy yourself, have a drink, have a hamburger and check out the area. If you need anything or have a question, feel free to ask me." he says. The guy walks along the beach, has a few drinks with a nice girl. He walks over a hill, when he sees a hole in the ground, full with tormented people, flames rising up from the hole. The guy runs towards the beach until he finds Satan. "Hey, I found this hole and all these people are being tormented… What's that about?" "Oh," Satan says, "that´s for the Christians, they want it that way."
I finally figured out why the air mattress thought it was better than all the other regular mattresses
Turns out, it had an inflated ego
How do you split the ocean in half?
With a sea-saw.
I can cut a piece of wood in two pieces just by looking at it.
It may seem impossible, but I saw it with my own two eyes
My kid got sunburned on only one of their butt cheeks
My wife said I did a half ass job applying sunscreen
I spotted an albino Dalmatian yesterday.
It was the least I could do for him.
Me running my code again without changing anything expecting it to suddenly compile
https://ift.tt/3bpzR73
I told my friends I have a girlfriend…
They all laughed at me and told me she is isn't real. Well Jokes on them because neither are they
And now it’s stuck in my head
You are the dancing queen, young and sweet, now in quarantine You can dance, you can jive, but you can’t go outside See that girl, watch that scene, but only through a screen
Dad Joke Witnessed IRL
Just heard the best Dad joke in real time at the Jiffy Lube and I bet this guy has been waiting his whole life for this moment. Clerk: "Sir, are you here for an oil change?" Guy (probably in his 70s): "No, but the car is." Clerk: (puts head on desk and starts laughing)
I entered myself in a Most Beautiful Boner contest.
The competition was pretty stiff.
Some of my closest friends might describe me as “deceitful”.
Jokes on them, though. They aren't my friends.
1,000,000
^ That's a one in a million.
[Original] The doctor prescribed a man a standing desk for back pain.
He told the man to stand at least 3 hours a day, which should reduce the symptoms – and to come back in a month. A month passes and the doctor is seeing the man again. He asks if the symptoms have improved. The man says, “No, but I’ve only been standing for one hour a day”. The doctor says he understood.
6:30 is the best time on a clock.
Hands down.
A pregnant woman walks into a bank being robbed,
She tried to call the cops and got shot in the stomach three times. Luckily, all her children were safe. 15 years later, one of her daughters came up to her and said, "Mom, I was peeing and a bullet came out." So, she told her daughter the story. Then, her other daughter walked into the room and she said, "Mom, I was peeing and a bullet came out." So, she told her daughter the story. Finally, her son came in and she assumed she knew what he was going to say, "Let me guess, you were peeing and a bullet came out?" The son replied, "No, what? I was masturbating and I shot the dog."
I got fired when I asked a customer if he preferred smoking or non smoking.
Apparently the correct terms are "cremation" and "burial".
A programmer was leaving the house and his wife said “While you’re out, get some milk”
He never returned and the world ran out of milk.
All my friends claim that I’m the cheapest person that they have ever met.
I’m not buying it.
What’s blue and not very heavy?
Light blue
What’s the difference between yogurt and America?
If you leave yogurt alone for 200 years it develops a culture
Welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous!
I see a few new faces here, and i am very disappointed.
I saw two guys walking around in same outfit with their dog, so I ask them if they were gay.
Those faggots arrested me.
You know what I find odd?
Numbers that are not divisible by 2.
Did you hear the one about the corduroy pillow?
It's been making headlines