Urban Dictionary is full of gold

There was no coffin at his funeral!

We now call him Dr. Awkward.

or we’d all be sorry

It was the best of chimes, it was the worst of chimes.

The man replies,"Boobs!”

He said I had hair like an emo. He wasn’t too happy when I said he had hair like a chemo.

Grandma i‌‌s t‌‌aking i‌‌t p‌‌articularly h‌‌ard.

They all have their faults.

So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

They got stuck at C

…is just a little pail in comparison.

He was delighted

A receding airline.

19.

Supplies!!!

The next day, he comes back and deposits $10,000. The next day, he comes back and deposits $7,500. As he walks out, the banker asks him how he gets so much money in a day. The man walks up to him and whispers, “I make bets with people.” The banker tells him, “How do you make so much?” The man says, “Here, I bet $50 you have a birthmark on your ass.” The banker says no, but the man wants proof. The banker pulls down his pants and shows him that there is no birthmark, but the man is still smiling. The banker asks why. The man says, “Because I bet each person in the building $50,000 that I could get you to pull down your pants.”

I hope he isnt beating himself up over this

Everyone suddenly wants to be your friend when you take it out at school.

Turns out people don’t like it when you go the extra mile for them.

People in Dubai don’t like the Flintstones, but people in Abu Dhabi do.

Everybody congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you got F**ed to achieve it.

Womb temperature.

Then I had a change of heart

Client: "Why did you have sex with her?!" Employee: "She was just lying there naked! What else was I supposed to do?" Client: "The autopsy! The fucking autopsy!" Employee: "I don't tell you how to do your job; don't tell me how to do mine!" Client: "You're the worst veterinarian of all time!"

A liquor cabinet.

Educated and free.

..his first voyage is to last 3 years, and even though the work is hard the young man takes to it like a fish in water. After only a few days he is running the riggin like an old hand, he swabs the decks without complaint and spends his free time in amicable companionship playing cards or telling tall tales. All in all the young man feels as if he has found his calling. A few weeks go by like this, the young man loving his new life except one part.. There are no women. After a couple of months like this, he is starting to feel extremely uncomfortable with the situation and voices his complaints to his shipmates one evening. "Why don't you just use the barrel?" Asks one of his mates with a surprised look .It turns out that down in the hold, in a dark corner there is a barrel, with a hole drilled into the side.. Whenever the sailors start to feel their urges rise, they simply go down to the barrel and take care of their business there. The young man decides, with some scepticism, to try the barrel, and finds to his surprise that it is a wholly pleasant experience, in no way lesser than any he has had with real women before. With this new found release the young man starts to enjoy his work even more. His days continue as before, and his evenings are still spent in pleasant company, but a new addition to his routine is a nightly visit to the barrel. Another two months pass in this way and all is well, until one night as he gets up from his seat at the card table and announces that he is going to visit the barrel to his mates.A few chuckles greet this announcement and one of his friends asks "Trying to get the final fun out of it eh?" "Final fun? Are we getting rid of the barrel?" The young man asks, worry playing over his face. "Not at all mate, it's just that.. next month is your turn in the barrel."

Because they are hill areas!

…but I don’t believe him…

I knew he meant well.

They're so picky!

Republicans always insist on carrying a baby to full term.

Lemonaid.

Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.

Because they have no troubleshooting.

They were out standing in their field

He replied “no, just taking a shit”

I replied: 'Probably better to drive the car through.'

Just once.

He then carefully counted out the french fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering. Obviously, they were thinking, "That poor old couple…all they can afford is one meal for the two of them." As the man began to eat his fries, a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine, they were used to sharing everything. People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said, "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything." Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked, "What is it you are waiting for?" She answered, "THE TEETH!"

Not to be outdone, I said, "I had a dream too. I dreamed they were auctioning off pussies. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the tight little ones went for two thousand." She quizzed, "And how much for the ones like mine?" To which I replied, "That's where they held the auction."

He said, “Christmas stalking.”

I replied "Thank you, I used to do gymnastics" and hung up the phone. That was nice of them to say.