URGENT!!!! Anybody knows how to put the ring back on a grenade?!
I need an answer like RIGHT NOW!!!
I have a scary joke about math but…
I’m 22 to say it.
can you do it on the end?
can you do it on the end?
I discovered this new drug that makes you indifferent to the world…
It's called Crystal Meh.
Why are nuns’ outfits always ill fitting?
Because good habits are hard to maintain and bad habits are hard to break.
How does a train eat?
Chew Chew
Give a man a gun and he’ll rob a bank.
Give a man a bank and he'll rob the world.
Aragorn and Legolas walk into a bar
Gimli laughs and walks under it
A woman is walking down the street when she bumps into an old friend she hasn’t seen in a long time. They sit down on a bench and catch up on their lives.
Friend: So do you have any kids? Woman: Yes, I have 5 boys. Friend: Nice! What are their names? Woman: Steve. Friend: You mean… All of them are named Steve? Woman: Exactly, it's so much easier that way! It's hard enough to supervise 5 boys playing together, it's even worse if I have to call them one by one. All I have to do is shout "STEVE!!!" and they all turn around immediately! Friend: But what if you only want to talk to one of them at a time? How do you differentiate them? Woman: Oh, well in that case, I just call them by their last name…
A friend of mine said…
…that he had made the world’s flattest, blandest dough. To that I responded, “Prove it then!”
After years of complaining from my wife, I finally found the G-spot.
Turns out her sister had it all along…
Two new recruits were on the deck of a ship.
One turns to other and says, "Its awfully quiet on deck tonight. Isn't it?" Other recruit replies, "Everyone must be watching the band." "There is no band on this ship." "No, I definitely heard the captain say, a band on ship."
You can actually nut during November.
You just can’t have anyone cashew.
I like the guy who wrote “What Is Love”
He really Haddaway with words.
Dr. Geezer
An old geezer got bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic. He put up a sign that said “Dr. Geezer’s clinic: Get your treatment for $500, if not cured, get back $1000.” Dr. Young, who was positive that this old geezer didn’t know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to win $1000. He went to Dr. Geezer’s clinic and says, “Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?” Dr. Geezer calls out, “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young’s mouth.” Dr. Young yells, “Aaagh! This is gasoline!” Dr. Geezer replies, “Congratulations! You’ve got your taste back, that will be $500.” Dr. Young gets annoyed and returns a couple of days later with another plan to recover his money. He enters the clinic and says, “I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything.” Dr. Geezer calls out, “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young’s mouth.” Dr. Young yells, “Oh no you don’t, that’s gasoline!” Dr. Geezer replies, “Congratulations, you’ve got your memory back, that will be $500.” Dr. Young, angry after losing $1000, comes back after several more days. He enters the clinic and says, “My eyesight has become weak, I cannot see anything!” Dr. Geezer replies, “Well, I don’t have any medicine for that, so here’s your $1000 back,” and hands Dr. Young a $10 bill. Dr. Young quickly yells, “Hey, this is only $10!” Dr. Geezer replies, “Congratulations, you’ve got your vision back, that will be $500.”
My sister bet me $15 that i couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen the look on her face as i drove pasta.
What do turkeys like to eat on Thanksgiving?
Nothing, they're already stuffed…
A Blonde Joke
Two ladies, blonde and a brunette, meet up for lunch. The Brunette tells the blonde that she just had sex with a Brazilian. The Blonde excitedly exclaims, "Oh my god! You slut! How many is a Brazilian?"
Why is Yoda such a good Gardner?
Because he has green thumbs
A man goes into the confession booth and tells the priest,
“Father, I’m seventy-five years old and last night I made love to two twenty-year-old girls at the same time.” The priest says, “When did you last go to confession?” The man says, “I’ve never been to confession, Father. I’m Jewish.” The priest says, “Then why are you telling me?” The man says, “I’m telling everybody!”
Rolled my first joint last night.
God my ankle hurts this morning.
What do you call a group of introverts?
A paradox.
“As has often been noted, physics is to math what sex is to masturbation”
Student : "So you're saying both fields are good, but without an attempt to understand the universe, the search for deeper mathematical truth is empty?" Professor : "I'm saying you'll spend most of undergrad doing math."
I can never get anything right. Yesterday I attempted suicide.
My wife left for work. I went into the garage, sealed the windows and doors. Started my car, let it run. I sat in my lawn chair and closed my eyes. After eight hours, nothing. I felt the same. I was soo pissed off I shut of my Tesla and went back inside.
What do you call a closet full of lesbians?
A liquor cabinet.
I’m starting a group for people who cannot climax.
Let me know if you cant come.
Me : *washing car with son*
Son : "Dad can't you just use a sponge?"
What do you call nun in heaven?
if you guessed "heaven nun" or "Angel nun" you are wrong. The answer is "nun of the above" !
When women remove polish with chemicals, no one bats an eye.
When Hitler removes Polish with chemicals, everyone loses their shit..
Why can’t you ever find vodka in a Jedi bar?
Only the Sith deal in Absolut.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked me with tears in his eyes and said…
“You know, one would’ve been enough!”
What do you call the Italian hood?
The Spaghetto.