URGENT!!!! Anybody knows how to put the ring back on a grenade?!
I need an answer like RIGHT NOW!!!
My girlfriend used to be a hoe but she got fat
Now she's a shovel
Apparently if your girlfriend or wife says “ if anything happens to me…. I want you to meet someone new.”
“Anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in traffic.
I have a math joke
But I’m 22 to say it
Why should you never fight a dinosaur?
Because you’ll get jurasskicked.
BREAKING NEWS!! .. Man hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his ass
Doctors describe his condition as stable
While teaching a class a teacher trying to teach good manners asked her students the following question.
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" Michael said: "Just a minute I have to go pee." The teacher responded by saying: "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?" Sherman said: "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back." "That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?" Johnny said: "I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce you to after dinner."
Why did the hipster drown
He went ice skating on the pond before it was cool.
I think Saturn’s name is the best in our solar system
It has a nice ring to it
I wrote a novel about a man who grows younger every time he masturbates.
It's a coming of age story.
Why did the hipster fall in the lake?
He went ice skating before it was cool.
Some people say I’m too vague
But you know how the saying goes.
Old lady sees a news report and calls her husband’s cell-phone
"Honey", she says, "You need to be careful. I just saw that there is a maniac driving the wrong way on the freeway" Husband replies, "A maniac?! There's not just one- there are hundreds of them!!!!!"
I was about to tell a joke about unemployment
but it needs some work
Today I met a vegan girl who came out as a lesbian
She is truely Beyond Meat.
Do you know what they call the security guards at Samsung?
Guardians of the Galaxy
A little kid enters the room and catches his dad masturbating
He lets a little scream out and look at his father, dumbfounded. "Don't be shocked, son. Everybody does this. Soon, you will do it too." "But… Why, daddy?" "Because my hands are starting to ache"
A drill sergeant is yelling at private.
“Son, I bet you can’t wait for me to die so you can piss on my grave!” The private emphatically replies, “No sir! Once I get out of the army I’m never gonna stand in line again. “
My 7 year old’s first comeback line
My son has asd and though he loves to read jokes and tries to understand why they are funny, introducing wit to him has been difficult. It was more of a surprise than a joke but here goes. We recently moved to India and my wife is missing outdoors and Europe and today she said – oh I really want to go to Disneyland! To which my son said- and I really want a twister! ( Ice lolly). My wife looked at him doting on his innocence and said- Baby your dreams are so simple and innocent! To which my son replied- yeah and yours probably won't come true!
Bows are really good weapons
Their only drawback is the string.
Do you remember Limewire? You might have ruined your parents computer but it was worth it
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0kSU9d-PfMY
You should never trust umbrella companies
They run a shady buisness
I Can swear, I’ve seen someone who did the last one, and complained it didn’t work!😂
https://ift.tt/2NaXfvM
Scientists have grown human vocal chords in a Petri dish.
The results speak for themselves.
Why should you just be honest to fat people?
Because if you sugarcoat the facts, they'll eat them too.
Why was the broom late for the meeting?
It overswept.
I named my dog “Wifi”…
Because I stole it from my neighbor…
I made a pencil with two erasers.
To be honest, it was pointless.
I was always told to we should celebrate our mistakes
I guess that's why my mum throws me a birthday party every year
A man in an interrogation room says, “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present!” The cop growls, “You ARE the lawyer!”
The lawyer shrieks, "Exactly! So where’s my present?!"
A gay man, a straight woman and a programmer are stranded on a deserted island.
During the first night, the gay man goes to the programmer and tells him they should kill the woman so he could have a normal sex life. The second night, the woman goes to the programmer and tells him they should kill the gay man so she could have a normal sex life. The third night, the programmer kills both the woman and the man so he could have normal sex life.
What do you call a dinosaur fart?
A blast from the past!
A man sees an extremely busty woman walking by…
He says, "Hey, will you let me bite those big ol boobies of yours for $1,000?" Christmas was coming and decided she could use the extra cash, so she agrees. The two walk around the corner and the woman strips off her shirt and bra, exposing two of the best boobies the guy had ever seen. The guy dives right in, motorboating them like he's the captain of a ship and sucking and licking every square inch of em. About 10 minutes go by, and the somewhat frustrated lady says "Well are you gonna bite em?" The guy replies "No, because then I'd have to give you $1,000."
Just so everybody’s clear…..
I'm going to put my glasses on
