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Me, being forced to use Word again after three years of writing assignments in LaTeX
https://ift.tt/34m76nI
Me: Do you have that new book about living with a small penis?
Librarian: I’m sorry, I don’t think it’s in yet. Me: Yeah, that’s the one.
A man escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain… do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!" His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too!"
Internet Memes and Mental Health – A Study [16+]
This is a study looking into the effect of internet memes on the individual. Participants will be asked to answer a series of questionnaires. This should take no longer than 30 minutes. Further information can be found in the information sheet. https://chester.onlinesurveys.ac.uk/memes4dalolz
Wanna hear a joke about coronavirus?
Never mind, you probably won't get it.
The seminar “How To Avoid Frauds” is cancelled…
Tickets are non-refundable…
I was on the motorway and desperate for a wee.
"Quick, pass me your bottle!" I told my son, grabbing my crotch. Bloody useless that boy. He just sat there crying in his car seat.
Do you want to why I get along well with short people?
It’s because they look up to me.
My Asian roommate says I have schizophrenia.
Jokes on him, I don't have a roommate.
Dating a girl that has a child…
… it's like "Continuing" another dude's "Save File".
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love, and got married…
The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
My mate said he’d seen another bloke put his arms around my girlfriend three times.
"Fuck off," I said, "nobody's got arms that long"
Why do people wash their clothes in Tide?
Because it's too cold out-Tide
I just watched a program about beavers….
..It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
Who has time to worry about 2,363 Americans deaths, when Trump is happy with his ratings
https://ift.tt/2WRHUW0
Well… Well… Well…
If it isn't 3 holes in the ground…
If you think Thursdays are depressing, wait two days
It will be a sadder day
When wearing a bikini, women reveals 96% of their body.
But the men are so polite, they only look at the covered parts.
I called my friend and told him I put a load in his dishwasher
I also told him she wants him to clean his room
BC now stands for “Before Coronavirus”
and AD is now "After Distancing" Welcome to the new dark ages
My neighbors listen to Smash Mouth’s All Star a lot.
Whether they like it or not.
Time flies like an arrow,
and fruit flies like a banana.
I never believed the chiropractors actually worked
But now I stand corrected
When Noah reached land, he threw open the ark doors and said, “Go forth and multiply”.
When all the animals cleared out, only a pair of confused looking snakes remained. “Didn’t you hear me? Go forth and multiply!” Said Noah, annoyed. “We can’t” replied one of the snakes. “We’re adders”.
what do you call a poor part of a town in Italy
the spaghetto
Before we were married, my wife used to clean up my place, and i used to clean hers.
Eventually we realized that we were maid for each other.
A sandwich walks into a bar.
The bartender say, “ we don’t serve food here”
I proposed to my girlfriend in the gym yesterday
But it didn't workout.