Use protection
There’s a fine line between the numerator and the denominator.
Only a fraction of the people will get this joke
My friend told me not to drink from the wall.
I knew he meant well.
A woman steps in front of a bus and dies instantly.
She finds herself at the pearly gates, being greeted by God himself. He looks the woman up and down, and says "Hm… Strange. It's not your time! I'm sending you back." "Sending me back? How long until it IS my time?" she asks. "Worry not, my child. You have many, many more years until it is your time. You will live until the ripe old age of 108!" She's sent back to Earth and pops into her miraculously repaired body. She gets up, dusts herself off, and with a huge smile on her face immediately heads to the plastic surgeon. She proceeds to get a face lift, a tummy tuck, hair implants and more. "If I'm going to live to the old age of 108, I might as well look my best!" she happily thought. After all the surgeries and cosmetic procedures and makeovers, she looks STUNNING. Beautiful pouty lips and a tiny waist and long luscious hair. She walks out of the salon and BAM. She's hit by a bus and dies instantly. Once again, she is at the pearly gates and again, is greeted by God. "What in the world was that?!" she exclaims, "You said I was supposed to live until 108!" God looks her up and down and says "Well I didn't recognize you!" Edit: Formatting
My son just asked me, “Can we pick my friend up?”
Me: I dunno. How heavy is she? Son: In a car dad This happened only moments ago. You can't just softball 'em in like that, son.
After my wide died, I couldn’t look at another woman for 18 years
But when i got out of prison, it was totally worth it
Where does a fish keep his money?
In the riverbank
Many people say that a pirate’s favourite letter is R but…
It’s actually the P. If you take it away he becomes irate.
What do you call 20 rabbits walking backwards?
A receding hairline.
I found out why everyone is collecting TP
It’s because an asteroid might hit us next month. ….. and … paper always beats rock
Why did the nearsighted woman fall into a well?
Because she couldn't see that well.
If I poured root beer into a square glass,
would I just have beer?
My friend claims that he can print a gun using his 3D printer, but I’m not impressed.
I have had a Canon printer for years.
Mating Bull
A man takes his wife to the stock show. As they start heading down the alley that had all the bulls, they come up to the first bull's stall and the sign in the stall read: "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year. You could learn from him." They proceed to the next bull and his sign read: "This bull mated 65 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month! You can learn from this one, too." They proceeded to the last bull whose sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife's mouth drops open and she says, "WOW! This one mated 365 times last year. That's ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one." The man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and ask his owner if it was 365 times with the same cow."
Qassem Soleimani is so popular today.
I mean he just blew up overnight.
Interviewer: how do you explain the 3 year gap on your resume?
Me: oh, that was when I went to Yale Interviewer: Amazing, you are hired! Me: hurray! I got a Yob!
Can vegans eat pudding?
No! How can you have any pudding if you don't eat your meat!?
A Chinese guy in the U.S. goes to exchange his currency.
He exchanges C¥10,000 and gets US$1,500. The next day, he exchanges another C¥10,000, but gets only US$1,499. He asks why. The exchange clerk says, “Fluctuations.” The Chinese guy is shocked for a moment, and yells back, “Fluctuamelicans!”
What’s another name for Vampires?
Neck-romancer
My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction
So I packed up my stuff and right
Me: Did you hear about the actor who got stabbed?
You: Who? Me: Reese You: Witherspoon? Me : Nah, with a knife
I wondered where my boomerang was after i threw it
and then it hit me
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
Yesterday, a beautiful girl asked me whether I wanted to watch a movie. She said, “What do you want to see?”
Me: You pick. Her: You pick. Me: I don’t care which movie. You pick. Her: Sir, there are people behind you in line waiting to buy tickets.
![[Not my meme] But do you know the answer?](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/12/hhoyujk4rz541-400x336.jpg)
my wife asked me if I wish she had been born with big tits.
I told her that I find big tits on babies disturbing.
Me: *shaking 8 ball* will tonight’s party be amazing?
8 ball: i’m a pile of cocaine, what the hell do you think?
To the person who stole my lamp, my coffee and my parrot:
I dont know how you sleep at night
I once had a conversation with a dolphin.
We just clicked.
I hope someone woke up Green Day
No text found
Why can’t you trust a math teacher holding a graph paper?
She's definitely plotting something.
Kids ask their mother how they were named
1st Child: Mom, how was I named? Mother: Well, when your father and I were walking out of the hospital, a lily fell on your head. So we named you Lily. Lily: That’s so cool! 2nd Child: Mom, how was I named? Mother: Well, when your father and I were walking out of the hospital, a rose fell on your head. So we named you Rose. Rose: That’s so cool! 3rd Child: guguhu sjebe kddekw? Mother: What did you say, Brick?
How do you tickle a rich girl?
Say 'Gucci Gucci Gucci'
I was embarrassed when my wife found out that I was playing with my son’s train set, so I threw a blanket over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
What has four wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.
A blacksmith finishes making a few horseshoes and leaves them on an anvil.
The blacksmith returns to the forge as a cowboy walks into the shop and picks one up only to put it back down immediately. "Hot ain't they?" the blacksmith asks. The cowboy replies, "Nope. It just don't take me too long to look at horseshoes."
I was so late to the cannibal banquet
They just gave me a cold shoulder
