Used to be cool….
"Nice Jimmy Choo."
Take the ring off and the house is gone
They were prime mates
Airport security, for example.
My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, “How soon do you think we’ll be able to have sex?”
He winked at me and said: “I’m off duty in 10 minutes – meet me in the car park.”
Oh, high marks
Now they have to say, “Donald, duck!”
Him: Knock, knock Me: Who's there? Him: Idiot Me: Idiot who? Him: IDIOT YOU!! He probably doesn't understand downvotes so I will have no Karma left after this EDIT: Wow! So many people upvoted this and I even got Silver! I'll tell my brother the Internet loved his joke! EDIT: Thanks for the Gold, kind stranger
"where do you see yourself in 5 years?"
Flummoxed, I asked my wife, “Honey, the kids don’t want to eat their vegetables. What do you want me to do?” She shouted back from the other room, “That’s fine. Just throw them out, dear!”
Later, I told them, "Look, I'm just as surprised as you are!" as I helped them pack their suitcases…
Because you pull the Bonaparte.
A buddy of mine wasn’t feeling well, so I decided to send him 10 of my best puns to make him feel better.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
I’m gonna put my glasses on
My kids were discussing allergies at the dinner table. I told them I'm allergic to prison… because it always causes me to break out. Usually my dad jokes are met with awkward silence. This one however got a few legit chuckles. 😁
Quadratic Formula! Maybe this is more of a mom joke… Edit: this isn’t my joke. I thought this sub might enjoy it though
From a well, actually
A polar bear
So I made her and friends mop the floor and do the dishes.
Because he lives in a stable environment.
So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.
It's called "Leave me the fuh cologne"
I asked my 18 siblings and they don’t know either.
Friend: Sweetie, if you're swallowing enough to worry about it, no one will care if you're a little chubby.
The odds were against me
"Nice bewbs! Now where do you want me to hang the blind?"
the result was alpacalyptic
The nurse sits down at the bar and says, “I’ll have a Bloody Mary!” The doctor sits next to her and says, “Give me a rum and coke!” The anti-vaxxer does nothing. She collapsed and died from polio.
So I removed the whole mirror. I haven’t looked back since.
The elephant of surprise.
There could be salad dressing in there.
He told me to go to the back door, down the dark alley and give the woman there 20 bucks. So I go outside and hand a 20 to the woman there and started getting busy. After a few minutes, a cop walks past and shines a flashlight on us and says "What the hell are you doing?" and I said "Having sex with my wife." He said "I'm sorry, I didn't realize that was your wife." and I said "Neither did I till you shined a light on her."
In 2015 we ate over 74 million bananas and only 6 monkeys.
Guess who came crawling back?
You’ve heard of “click it or ticket”, a slogan telling drivers to use a seatbelt or they will get fined…
Now get ready for the new slogan of 2020: “Mask it or Casket”!
That’s how I roll.