Useful but not correct!
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar every time I have pessimistic thoughts.
It’s currently half empty.
style is my middle name
It’s his job to consider the evidence
Why is it tough to tell jokes to kleptomaniacs?
Because they keep taking the jokes- literally.
so, being a fan of Undertale, i know a skeleton of skelepuns. lemme tell ya, they’re all rib ticklers.
“Not today, I have ketchup”
It does work
Matt Damon, Ben Affleck and Matthew McConaughey have decided to make a movie together!
Ben Affleck says: "I'll produce it!" Matt Damon says: "I'll direct it!" Matthew McConaughey says: "I'll write, I'll write, I'll write!"
A truly dangerous substance
I made a graph for my past relationships.
It has an ex-axis and a why-axis.
Wanna hear a joke about short term memory loss?
Wanna hear a joke about short term memory loss?
On a birthday card in the wild.
Found in a magazine I was handed for a school project
What’s the most sarcastic body of water on earth?
The Crimea River.
Why do Japanese christians offer rice wine to jesus?
For christ’s sake
Australians dont reproduce
Found this in my music room.
How do you know the moon is going broke?
It's down to its last quarter.
Why doesn’t America use the metric system?
They have a foot fetish
The LEGO shop reopens tomorrow but I recommend avoiding it for the time being,
People will be lined up for blocks.
Not sure if this counts but my dad (a boomer) sent this to me and I thought it was great.
What’s the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
It only takes one nail to get the picture of Jesus up and hanging
Dad: *washing car with son*
Son: Dad, can't you just use a sponge ?
Damn! Quora it hurts
What Donald Ducks drug of choice?
NSFW What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?
One is a Goodyear, one is a great year.
I thought yall would like it lol
Come on people now… 🎵
This would be awesome
Maybe a supervillain?
Did you know that the first French Fries weren’t cooked in France or America?
They were cooked in Greece.
Oh good lord what have you done!
Do you wanna know why people with shell fish allergies can’t be body builders?
Because they can’t have mussels.
My wife yelled at me, telling me to put the toilet seat down…
Don't know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
Q: Why did Ariel wear seashells?
A: She outgrew her B shells.
I asked my father if he could leave his guitar collection to my children when he passes
He said that's music to his heirs
The bar has lowered just a tad
My son called me a simp, after I googled what it meant, I said
then you're a simpson.
Student: Can I borrow a pencil?
Teacher: I don't know, can you borrow a pencil? Student: Aha, but I clearly meant to ask for permission. Since you and the rest of the class understood my intent perfectly well, and the word "may" to show permission is rapidly falling out of fashion, there is nothing wrong with asking you whether I can borrow a pencil. Teacher: Possibly so, in colloquial speech. Discerning context can help us decipher the nuance of each sentence on a case-by-case basis. However, as your teacher, my task is to teach you the intricacies and nuances of the English language with rigor, so that you may have a greater mastery of the language in order to effectively and precisely control what you want to communicate. In this case, the difference between the words "can" and "may". Student: Point taken. May I borrow a pencil? Teacher: No, you may not. The state cut funding for education again.
I asked the Colonel what the lowest rank in the army was.
He said, "It's Private." I said, "Come on, you can tell me."
I farted while putting the baby to sleep, and it startled her and woke her up.
She got a second wind.
Therapist: It seems like you have an acute phobia of marriage. Do you understand the symptoms?
Man: Can’t say that I do. Therapist: Exactly. That’s the main one.
Did you know that I was once addicted to the Hokey Pokey?
But I turned myself around.
Hypocrisy, thy name is GOP
Found this at r/blursedimages
I walked in from work today and my wife was sitting on the sofa with my girlfriend.
I said, “What’s going on?” “You tell me?” replied my wife. I said, “I don’t know, you’re sitting on the sofa with a stranger.” “A stranger, hey?” shouted my girlfriend, “I’m no stranger, we’ve been having sex for six months!” I looked at my wife and said, “Is this true?”
This Corona virus is a blessing
My wife doesn't want to travel anywhere. She no longer buys anything online, since everything comes from China. she doesn't go to the mall to avoid the crowds. she spends all of her time in a mask with her mouth closed. Best thing that has ever happened in my life.
It’s really such a strange phenomenon.
Not that facts matter to them, but they do.
I saw a sign that said ‘do not touch’, however there was something weird about the sign….
I couldn't put my finger on it….
When you see your Gurt
Sadly in life, you have to sometimes escape the reality.
I’m honestly convinced some women do not fart.
They just hold it in, and it comes out as drama
*An interesting title*
Too many times brother….
Idk what to put
Medicare For All Requires Sacrifice
A guy my friend follows.