Useful but not correct!
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar every time I have pessimistic thoughts.
It’s currently half empty.
Why is it tough to tell jokes to kleptomaniacs?
Because they keep taking the jokes- literally.
a skelepun
so, being a fan of Undertale, i know a skeleton of skelepuns. lemme tell ya, they’re all rib ticklers.
Matt Damon, Ben Affleck and Matthew McConaughey have decided to make a movie together!
Ben Affleck says: "I'll produce it!" Matt Damon says: "I'll direct it!" Matthew McConaughey says: "I'll write, I'll write, I'll write!"
I made a graph for my past relationships.
It has an ex-axis and a why-axis.
Wanna hear a joke about short term memory loss?
Wanna hear a joke about short term memory loss?
What’s the most sarcastic body of water on earth?
The Crimea River.
Why do Japanese christians offer rice wine to jesus?
For christ’s sake
Australians dont reproduce
They mate
How do you know the moon is going broke?
It's down to its last quarter.
Why doesn’t America use the metric system?
They have a foot fetish
The LEGO shop reopens tomorrow but I recommend avoiding it for the time being,
People will be lined up for blocks.
Not sure if this counts but my dad (a boomer) sent this to me and I thought it was great.
https://ift.tt/3cZPYJT
What’s the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
It only takes one nail to get the picture of Jesus up and hanging
Dad: *washing car with son*
Son: Dad, can't you just use a sponge ?
What Donald Ducks drug of choice?
Quack cocain
NSFW What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?
One is a Goodyear, one is a great year.
Did you know that the first French Fries weren’t cooked in France or America?
They were cooked in Greece.
Do you wanna know why people with shell fish allergies can’t be body builders?
Because they can’t have mussels.
My wife yelled at me, telling me to put the toilet seat down…
Don't know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
Q: Why did Ariel wear seashells?
A: She outgrew her B shells.
I asked my father if he could leave his guitar collection to my children when he passes
He said that's music to his heirs
My son called me a simp, after I googled what it meant, I said
then you're a simpson.
Student: Can I borrow a pencil?
Teacher: I don't know, can you borrow a pencil? Student: Aha, but I clearly meant to ask for permission. Since you and the rest of the class understood my intent perfectly well, and the word "may" to show permission is rapidly falling out of fashion, there is nothing wrong with asking you whether I can borrow a pencil. Teacher: Possibly so, in colloquial speech. Discerning context can help us decipher the nuance of each sentence on a case-by-case basis. However, as your teacher, my task is to teach you the intricacies and nuances of the English language with rigor, so that you may have a greater mastery of the language in order to effectively and precisely control what you want to communicate. In this case, the difference between the words "can" and "may". Student: Point taken. May I borrow a pencil? Teacher: No, you may not. The state cut funding for education again.
I asked the Colonel what the lowest rank in the army was.
He said, "It's Private." I said, "Come on, you can tell me."
I farted while putting the baby to sleep, and it startled her and woke her up.
She got a second wind.
Therapist: It seems like you have an acute phobia of marriage. Do you understand the symptoms?
Man: Can’t say that I do. Therapist: Exactly. That’s the main one.
Did you know that I was once addicted to the Hokey Pokey?
But I turned myself around.
I walked in from work today and my wife was sitting on the sofa with my girlfriend.
I said, “What’s going on?” “You tell me?” replied my wife. I said, “I don’t know, you’re sitting on the sofa with a stranger.” “A stranger, hey?” shouted my girlfriend, “I’m no stranger, we’ve been having sex for six months!” I looked at my wife and said, “Is this true?”
This Corona virus is a blessing
My wife doesn't want to travel anywhere. She no longer buys anything online, since everything comes from China. she doesn't go to the mall to avoid the crowds. she spends all of her time in a mask with her mouth closed. Best thing that has ever happened in my life.
I saw a sign that said ‘do not touch’, however there was something weird about the sign….
I couldn't put my finger on it….
When you see your Gurt
Yo, Gurt!
I’m honestly convinced some women do not fart.
They just hold it in, and it comes out as drama
