Useful tip for programmers
My girlfriend accused me of cheating.
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.
What do you call a teacher who doesn’t like to fart in public?
A private tooter.
Life of a Programmer!
Not sure if this have been posted
I practiced Newton’s 1st law in class a lot
Meals of the day
Think I know what my next jersey will be
What kind of flour do you buy an orphan
Self raising flour
Current Protest guidelines for Cops
Master Slave Relation
Four friends who hadn’t seen each other in 30 years reunite at a party
Four friends who hadn’t seen each other in 30 years reunite at a party. After several drinks one of the men had to use the restroom those who remained talked about their kids. The first guy said, “My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied economics and business administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he is the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.” The second guy said, “Darn, That’s terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, and then went to light school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company where he owns the majority of its assets. He’s so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet or his birthday.” The third man said, “Well, that’s terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.” The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: “What are all the congratulations for?” One of the three said: “We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. What about your son?” The fourth man replied: “My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a striper at a nightclub.” The three friends said: “What a shame… what a disappointment.” The fourth man replied: “No, I’m not ashamed. He’s my son and I love him. And he hasn’t done too bad either. His birthday was three weeks ago, and he receive a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion…a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends!”
The best dad jokes are unplanned
My family and I were in the car driving down the road the other day. My 5 year old asked for words that rhymed with blue. “Well, there’s glue, two, moo, snoo, zoo, boo..” My 8 year old chimes in, “Daddy, what’s snoo?” My immediate response? “Not much, what’s new with you?” My journey to the dark side has been complete.
The Doctor asks the patient: “Does your head hurt?”
Patient: "Yes it does, doctor." Doctor: "Good, now are we vaccinating your child, or do I have to slap you again?"
Is the Viagra I’ve been sold fake?
As it stands, no.
I’m new on this sub and I hope it hasn’t been posted before.
Apparently there is bi-partisan agreement in Congress that medicinal marijuana should be allowed for the purpose of relieving arthritis pain. In other words…
…there is joint support for joint support for joint support…
Funny but sad
My dad always told me that I am special, that I’m the 1%.
Later in life, i learned that condoms only work 99% of the time.
Phone Bad Haha
What did a cannibal get for being late for dinner?
a cold shoulder
Boomer Pussy Humor
Why can’t Woody play his guitar?
He doesn't know where his Pixar.
Today I thought of a color that doesn’t exist…
but then I realized it was just a pigment of my imagination.
This guy is the leader of all flat-earthers
A young Law student, having failed his Law exam, goes up to his crusty old professor, who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind.
Student, "Sir, do you really know everything about this subject?" Professor, "Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn't be a professor, would I?" Student, "OK. So I'd like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my marks as it is. If you can't give me the correct answer, however, you'll have to give me an "A". Professor, "Hmmmm, alright. So what's the question?" Student, "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?" The professor wracks his famous brain, but just can't crack the answer. Finally he gives up and changes the student's failing mark into an "A" as agreed, and the student goes away, very pleased. The professor continues to wrack his brain over the question all afternoon, but still can't get the answer. So finally he calls in a group of his brightest students and tells them he has a really, really tough question to answer, "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal? " To the professor's surprise (and embarrassment), all the students immediately raise their hands. "All right," says the professor and asks his favorite student to answer. "It's quite easy, sir" says the student "You see, you are 75 years old and married to a 30 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 22 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. And your wife's lover failed his exam but you've just given him an "A", which is neither legal, nor logical."
For the C guys
What does Donald Trumps hair have in common with a thong?
They both barely cover the asshole
Updated an old classic
I present you: Boomershumor from 1971. COMPUTER BAD!!!!
I drive around and sell pies. Key Lime for $6 and Pecan pie for $8.
Those are the pie rates of the car I be in. (I married two old jokes together, I hope that’s ok)
get it? because vaginas smell like fish haha
What do you call a catholic toaster strudel?
A pope tart.
Found on Instagram
Dang it Betty
I hate Russian dolls. They’re so full of themselves
No text found
Einstein, Newton and Pascal are playing hide and seek. Einstein is counting. Pascal runs and hides, but Newton just draws a square and sit down. Einstein opens his eyes and exclaims, “Newton, I’ve found you!”
Newton replies, "No, you found Newton over a square meter. You've found Pascal!"
For context the bottom one was titled “a few minutes into no screen Sunday”
My girlfriend told me, “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you sweep or mop in my life.”
I said, “Floors are beneath me.”
A Roman walks into a bar …
A Roman walks into a bar, says "I'd like a martinus." The bartender asks, "you mean martini?" "No, just one."
My son said he wanted a DVD on Religion, so I got him one.
Then he said he wanted a tricycle, so I got him one. Then, a few weeks later, he said he wanted a poster of Will Smith's face, so I got him one. The next day he said he wanted a coffee machine. I was getting irate now. But hey, I thought, if I get him this hopefully that will be the end. I was wrong. So very wrong. On the same day he said he wanted a caterpillar costume. Reluctantly, I got him one. Secondhand. Then he said he wanted something for a friend, a new pair of underwear. I had no idea why he would be giving his friend underwear, and I knew he only wanted them for himself. But hey, I thought, I don't want him to defecate on his clothes, so I got him some. After that, he approached me, and I was on the verge of an outburst. What do you want this time? I asked him. A sword? A sandwich? A three-headed dog? He said, no, he didn't want any of those things. Except the three-headed dog and the sword and the sandwich. Look, I said, get on with it. What are you after this time? He said he wanted a book on festival puns. I was sick out of it. Sick of his audacity and my empty wallet. I headed for the door to get away, but he grabbed my arm and asked me what was wrong. I said, Son, you carnival the things you want.
Gotta Love it.
What do you call a blind dinosaur?
Get well soon buddy
Scratch vs Everything else
I bought a new deodorant yesterday. The instructions said “Remove cap and push up bottom”
It hurt like hell, but my farts smell great.
If you rearrange the letters of POSTMEN…
They become VERY ANGRY
Why was everyone shocked when the fruit fly’s girlfriend agreed to marry him?
Because the pair had only ever been on rotten dates.
I signed up for my company’s 401k,
but I don't think I can run that far.
Nothing outta place here
When does a bad joke become a dad joke?
When the punchline becomes apparent
I had a hen who could count her own eggs.
She was a mathemachicken.
I understand this isn’t all Americans.
Maybe blackhole style depending on your luck.