Utah would be a great place for the first statue .
If A is for Apple and B is for Banana, what is C for?
Plastic explosives
If sounding my B’s as V’s makes me Russian
Then Soviet
Kidney stones?
I think I'll pass.
What do you call a cheap circumcision
A rip off
Heard about the man who painted his scrotum?
Pretty nuts
How would you spot a blind man at a nude beach?
It's not hard
Jane always had a certain attraction to Tarzan. So during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex.
"Tarzan not know what is sex" he replied. Jane then explained to him what sex was. Tarzan said …."Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree." Stunned by his response, Jane said: "Tarzan you have it all wrong, you don't shag a tree to get yourself off. Tell you what, I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground. "Here" she said, pointing to her privates,"you must put it in here." Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her as hard as he could in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually she managed to grasp for air and screamed: "What the bloody hell did you do that for? "Check for squirrel." he responds
Brett Kavanaugh has stated that he will not be pressured into withdrawing his Supreme Court bid by the allegations made against him.
He sounds like the kind of guy who just won't take 'no' for an answer.
What’s E.T. short for?
He's only got little legs
We’ve all heard of Murphy’s Law, but have you heard of Cole’s Law?
Well, it’s finely chopped bits of cabbage and carrots
If you see a Spanish person tell them “mucho”
It means a lot to them
Why do Afghans have to listen to the radio?
Because of the tele-ban
My dads best one yet
My family were on vacation and we were going on a hike. We had been walking for a little over an hour when my sister she had something in her shoe that was bothering her. She asked us to stop so she could take it out and my dad excitedly agreed. I was super confused as to why he seemed so excited, so I stopped as well. My sister sat down, took off her shoe, and my dad gasped dramatically. “Oh my god! There was a foot in your shoe.” He proceeded to laugh himself to tears, while I laughed at his reaction to his own dad joke.
When trump said we’d get tired of winning, I didn’t believe him. Boy was he right.
https://ift.tt/2xjopeD
My wife asked me if I was having an affair with a woman from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogogoch.
I said: “How can you say such a thing?”
I could never date a single mum.
Because then they wouldn't be single.
Whoever invented auto-correct,
can go to hello. Edit: Wow thanks for the silver!
6 out of 7 Dwarves are not Happy
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I’m glad there are still some people that take cross browser compatibility seriously
https://ift.tt/2XmlYk4
I was going to give archery a shot
But there’s too many drawbacks
Trumpets and Guns
In a small town, a man just opened a small store selling trumpets and guns. One day his neighbor pays him a visit and says, "So how is your strange business going?" "What do you mean strange?" "Because you sell only trumpets and guns!" "So?" "Well, let me put it this way, what do you sell the most, trumpets or guns?" "It evens itself out. Each time a customer buys a trumpet, one of his neighbors buys a gun."
I was diagnosed as colorblind yesterday
It came completely out of the purple
My wife said I’m the cheapest person she ever met
I'm not buying it
Doctor: (handing me my new born baby) I’m sorry but your wife didn’t make it
Me: (handing baby back to him) Bring me the one my wife made
There’s no such thing as Scottish people.
Either your name is Scott or it isn’t.
Finland has just closed their borders
No one will be crossing the finish line
A farmer has three daughters…
Who all have dates on the same night. Considering how protective the farmer is as a father, he sat and waited for the boys with a shotgun in hand. The first boy showed up: “I’m Eddy, lookin’ for Betty. We plan on spaghetti from Teddy’s, is she ready?” The farmer took a good look at the boy, took him as alrighty, and sent the two off. The next boy came by. Again the farmer waited in anticipation. The next boy goes: “Hi I’m Bo, lookin’ for Jo. We’re planning on Moe’s for the picture show, she set to go?” The farmer thought this boy to be alright as well and sent the two off. The farmer waits for the third boy. “Hi I’m Buck-“ Bang the farmer shot him.