V I B E C H E C K
Little known fact-
Captain Hook bought his hook from a second hand store.
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyโd be bagels.
Why is the KKK against triathlons?
They don't believe in the mixing of races.
Why did the big bird feel left out?
Because he was ostrich sized
99 bugs in the code, 99 bugs in the code. You take one down, patch it around…
129 bugs in the code.
Juan arrives at the Mexico/US border
Juan comes up to the Mexican border on a bicycle. He's got 2 large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?" "Sand," answered Juan. The guard says, "We'll just see about that. Get off the bike." The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analysed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border. A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?" "Sand," says Juan. The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on the bicycle. This sequence of events if repeated every day for 3 years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico by coincidence. "Hey buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about and I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?" Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."
How many bones are in a human hand?
A handful
I never really understood the point of inside jokes
They work just fine outside as well
They said gloves and a mask would be enough to go to the supermarket..
They lied, everyone else had their clothes on
My girlfriend told to me to take the spider out instead of killing it.
We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. He wants to be a web developer.
Time flies like an arrow, and fruit flies like a banana
No text found
Today is 4 04…
There's a joke somewhere in there, but I can't quite find it.
A little boy goes to his father and asks…
"Daddy, how was I born?" The father answers: "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat group on FaceBook. Then I set up a date via Tinder with your Mom and we met at a Starbucks, because of the free wifi. We sneaked into the rest room, where your mother agreed to do a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a VPN, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said: "You've Got Male!"
What’s the difference between a hooker and jesus?
The look on their face when you're nailing them.
My doctor wrote me a prescription for dailysex…
But my girlfriend keeps insisting it says dyslexia
Bad knock-knock joke #2
Knock, knock. Who's there? Control freak. Control fr- Okay, now you say "Control freak who?"
I met a girl with 12 nipples..
Sounds funny, dozen tit?
[First day as a rookie cop.]
Me: Dispatch, suspect is dancing down Main street, completely nude. Dispatch: Copy that. Me: Well I'll try but I'm not much of a dancer.
I stole seven crows yesterday.
Got away with murder.
My wife was just swapping out objects on the mantle, and my son asked why she was putting bamboo up there.
I told him she was decorating for Halloween, and they both just gave me a flat look. Then with a grin on my face I simply said bamBOO!! Much to my wifeโs dismay my 6 year old has been repeating it for the last 20 minutes.
Why did the marshmallow cross the road?
Because he knew there was S'more to life
A close friend of mine died recently after drinking a gallon of varnish.
It was a horrific end, but a lovely finish.
Non-alcoholic beer is a lot like going down on your sister…
it tastes the same, but it's just not right.
As an immigration officer, I may not always agree with you.
But I can see where you are coming from.
I’m moving to Greenwich in a couple months.
Don't know what I'm going to do in the mean time…
What did the one eye say to the other eye?
Hey Between you and me… something smells!
I’m sad I didn’t get to see how my execution ended…
I was left hanging.
Viagra shipment stolen.
Cop looking for a bunch of hardened criminals.
Argentina is kind of cold this time of year…
In fact, itโs borderline Chile.
My American friend, Alfred, asked, “What is your favourite shampoo truck?”
I said ,"Lorry, Al."
Did you know Dr. Guillotine was killed with his own device because of his incompetence?
Apparently he was in over his head.
I got the words jacuzzi and yakuza confused.
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia.