Vaccinations bad
My wife asked me, “Do you think our kids are spoiled?”
I said, “No. Most of them smell that way.”
My son is now at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I guess I'll have to hide it somewhere else now.
A flat-Earther died, and to his surprise found himself standing on a cloud in front of the gates of heaven
A flat-Earther died, and to his surprise found himself standing on a cloud in front of the gates of heaven. God himself was there and told him he would be happy to answer any questions the man might have – about anything across the entirety of Space and Time. So of course the man said – "Was I right? Is the earth actually flat?" and God chuckled and said "Of course not". The man shook his head in disbelief, shaken to his very core, before murmuring "…this goes even higher than I thought…"
Here is joke about Canada don’t take it seriously
Credits to u/commonschemeforyou God was creating all the countries and it was Canada's turn He turned to his angels and said "this country will have unmatched beauty, plenty of natural resources, and its citizens will be the happiest and friendliest in the world" The angels ask God, "aren't you blessing this country a little TOO much?" and God replies, "wait till you see who their neighbour is"
A New Yorker, a Nebraskan, a Georgian, and a Floridian were driving to Vegas…
After a few hours in the car, the Nebraskan suddenly rolls down his window, opens his bag, and starts chucking corn out the window. "What are you doing that for?", the others exclaim. "Back in Nebraska, everywhere I look I see corn. I'm going on vacation and I don't want to see any corn for a couple weeks." The Georgian replies, "you know what? You're right; I'm sick of seeing peaches all over Georgia. I don't know why I brought them with me." He opens his window and dumps his bag of peaches out. The Floridian, feeling inspired, opens the door and kicks the New Yorker out.
I asked my friend what an acorn was
He replied, "it's basically a small oak tree, in a nutshell."
To be frank,
I'd have to change my name
My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage.
I take that as a compliment…
You can tell I’m a dad based on my jokes.
I guess that makes me a groan man.
Electrons have mass?!
I didn’t even know they were catholic!
I only lasted a month at the calender factory.
They fired me after taking a day off
How much does it cost to park Santa’s sleigh?
Nothing. It’s on the house.
Invisible Man Job Offer
Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn't see himself doing it.
Leather is great for sneaking around
Because its made of hide
I told my psychiatrist that I’ve been hearing voices
He told me that I don't have a psychiatrist
I am absolutely exhausted from my French self-defense class.
I've never run so far in my life.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, NO ATMOSPHERE
Star gazing isn’t very fun
I’ve been doing it all afternoon and now I can’t see
Dave, a student at a university seems to be getting a lot of sexual attention from women
Day after day, Dave seems to be with a different girl. His professor, Mike, comes up and asks him what his secret is. "Before sex, i bang my dick on my bedside table which numbs it and makes me last longer" He says. "Wow! And that works?" Mike asks. "Every time" Dave replies. So later that day, while his wife was in the shower, Mike bangs his dick on his bedside table and before he walks into his bathroom, he hears his wife. "Dave, is that you?"
What do you call a kid who is born in a whorehouse?
A brothel sprout (I’ll let myself out)
I’m starting to like my facial hair.
It's really growing on me
My grocery store had a great deal on baked sweets today
It’s really been a great cake day
My fiancé thinks I have an unhealthy obsession with assassins creed
and if I wear my robes to the wedding she’ll leave me at the Altaïr
What do you get when you cross an Irishman with a German?
A guy who's too drunk to follow orders.
I was given MDMA and LSD tonight…
What a shit way to start a game of Scrabble.
My dentist pulled a wrong tooth
it was accidental
2020 was simultaneously a year ago and 10 years ago, time no longer makes sense
2020 was simultaneously a year ago and 10 years ago, time no longer makes sense
It shouldn’t be surprising our first black president was elected prior to Trump
It's always darkest before Don
I bought my son a fridge for Christmas.
Can't wait to see his face light up, when he opens it.
Sometimes my son breaks into hives.
Not sure why he hates bees so much.
I like to tell dad jokes
He always finds them funny
Thanks for explaining the word “many” to me
it means a lot.
Mr and Mrs Wong were expecting their first child.
When the baby was born. Mr Wong was shocked to see it was white and not a bit Chinese looking. "No no no" he said "two wongs don't make a white"
My wife left me cause Im too insecure
Never mind she was just at the grocery store