Vampire scared of sunlight
Absolutely nothing and they quickly parted ways
After take off pilot accidentally left his microphone on and said to his Co pilot ' Now I just want a cup of coffee and a blowjob'. An air hostess ran to tell him to switch off his microphone. When someone from the passengers shouted 'He asked for a cup of coffee too'.
Dad: nothing, apparently.
I guess you could call it a merci killing!
When I was a kid, my favourite thing ever was tractors. It was my first word, my first toy, I had posters of them on my bedroom walls and I loved to draw them too. Unfortunately with age I don’t quite have the same amount of passion nowadays. This all became relevant recently as there was this house fire on my street last week. My instincts told me to enter the house to save the family inside as the Fire Service hadn’t arrived yet. I was able to break down a door and actually clear all of the smoke from the house saving everyone inside. I escorted them out to be greeted by the Fireman who had just arrived. Puzzled, they asked how on earth I was able to clear all the smoke. I simply replied “I’m an extractor fan”.
Mom: Stares at Dad Dad: Clenches fist Mom: "Don't!" Dad: Sweats Profusely Mom: "…" Dad: "HI GAY, I'M DAD"
…just because I was the first person to discover a new crack I the earth's crust, everybody was acting like it's my fault.
Once with her and 9 in the shower trying to wash it off
It's something that a hundred men or more could never do…
One day Jane decided to give him a few hours of sex ed and explain it all to him with gestures like he was a child: "Tarzan, this thing hanging between your legs is your rag and this thing you see between my legs is a washing machine… What you have to do is wash your rag in my machine." The next 5 evenings Tarzan has been washing his rag uncontrollably. When the exhausted Jane finally manages to catch her breath she tells him: "Tarzan, listen to me… You can't wash your rag so often because the washing machine will break." You need to wash it every three to four days. Tarzan listens to her and for the next month he doesn't even lay a finger on the machine. One day Jane becomes anxious and asks him: "Tarzan, what's wrong? Why haven't you washed your rag in my machine for a month?" Tarzan responds happily: "Tarzan learn to wash by hand!!!"
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. "Who is it?" calls one of the nuns. "Blind man," replies a voice from the other side. The two nuns look at each other and shrug; deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door. "Nice tits," says the man. "Where do you want these blinds?"
Librarian: I’m sorry, I don’t think it’s in yet. Me: Yeah, that’s the one.
"What seems to be the problem?" he asked her. "Something is terribly wrong, I keep finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in my vagina!" The gynecologist took a look, chuckled and said, "Those aren't postage stamps, ma'am. They're the stickers off the bananas."
Because they’re shellfish
Hey Bob, do you shower after sex? Well, of course I do. Great, could you please get laid more often?
“Surely we weren’t that bad?” they ask themselves. “There has to be something we can do to get out of here.” Satan suddenly appears and says “Oh, but there is! Withstand ten whippings from my trusty whip here and you’re free to go. I’ll even let you pick something to cover your back with” The men let out a cheer. This wouldn’t be so hard. The first man steps up and observes his surroundings. Finally, he picks a sturdy looking boulder to place on his back. “Ready,” he says. Satan raises his whip and yells, “ONE!” CRACK The boulder immediately splits in half. “Aw fuck this,” says the first man. “I’ll just stay.” Satan smirks and asks, “Who’s next?” The second man steps up and, without picking any protection, gets in position. “Are you sure about that?” asks Satan, to which the man replies with “I have trained my mind and body to ignore any unnecessary pain. I need no protection.” “Whatever you say, pal.” Satan raises his arm and yells, “ONE!” CRACK The man slightly flinches, his pain evident, but he remains upright. Annoyance flashes across Satan’s face. He raises his arm again and shouts, “TWO!” CRACK Again, the man remains upright, all the way up to the tenth whipping. The man gets up, weary but happy. Satan looks furious and says, “Whatever, goodjob. You, third guy, you’re next. What are you picking?” The third man takes in his surroundings, lays his eyes on his choice and says, “I’m gonna pick the second guy.”
Tools!! I meant tools!! Stupid keyboard…
"My son told me he is transgender." "So?" "That makes me transparent."
I've named him Alen.
Me: thanks for reminding me
It get’s jalapeño face…
at a table a few feet away from me sneezed and her glass eye came out and I caught it. I handed it back to her and she popped it in and said thank you. She was a beautiful woman. Gorgeous face stunning body and a beautiful smile to boot. The woman of my dreams right in front of me. A few moments pass by and she comes up to me and asks for my number and I looked around the room. Surely she must’ve been mistaken. I said “ who me?!!!?” She said “yes of course you. I don’t usually do this kind of thing but you just sort of caught my eye.”
A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to “Please be gentle; I’m still a Virgin”.
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?" "Well, husband no. 1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be. "Husband no. 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me. "Husband no. 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up. "Husband no. 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. "Husband no. 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method. "Husband no. 6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. "Husband no. 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it… "Husband no. 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it. "Husband no. 9 was a Gynaecologist; all he did was look at it. "Husband no. 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was lick it….. God I miss him. "But now that I've married you, I'm so excited". "Wonderful", said the husband, "but why? "You're with the "GOVERNMENT" – this time I KNOW I'm gonna get screwed."
And I suck at flirting. I’m in the dark on this one.
until my mom took the urn from me.
Because bugs are attracted to light
Their number one answer was, “HOW THE HELL DID YOU GET IN HERE?!”
Cause it’s not gonna kill itself.
My Grandma was talking about the good old days and said “in my day we could leave the door unlocked and not worry about it!” and “we grew up with nothing but we were happy”…
I replied “Well Grandma, I hate to break it to you, but you grew up with nothing because you kept leaving the front door unlocked!”
The doctor came and informed the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms, or legs. The son was just a head! But the dad loved his son and raised him as well as he could. Eighteen years later, the son was old enough for his first drink. The dad took him to a bar, tearfully told him he was proud of him, and ordered the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously, the boy took his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso popped out! The bar was dead silent, then burst into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begged his son to drink again. The patrons chanted, "Take another drink! Take another drink!" The bartender shook his head in dismay. Swoooop! Two arms popped out! The bar went wild. The father, crying and wailing, begged his son to drink again. The patrons chanted, "Take another drink! Take another drink!" But the bartender ignored the whole affair. By this time, the boy was getting tipsy. With his new hands, he reached down, grabbed the drink, and guzzled the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs popped out. The bar was in chaos. The father wept with joy. The boy stood up on his new legs. He stumbled to the left. He stumbled to the right. Then he stumbled through the front door and into the street, where a truck ran him over. The bar fell silent. The father moaned with grief. The bartender merely sighed and said, "He should have quit while he was a head."
My friend just phoned and asked me if I could loan her $500 to help her pay her rent… And you know me always willing to help my friends and family out… I told her…"give me a minute let me check my account and I'll phone u right back." Before I could check my account my friend's mom phones and says, "Don’t give her any money because she's lying.” Mom proceeds to tell me that she wants to use that $500 to get her boyfriend out of jail because she wants to be under the same roof with him for her birthday!!! So I thought about it for a minute, and decided to go ahead and give her the $500 cuz we all need help at times… So I phoned her back and said, "yea, I can help you" and met her and gave her an envelope of cash. A couple hours later, I got a call from the County Jail, I say hello and she starts screaming and asking, “Why did you give me counterfeit money?!" I replied: " so you and your boyfriend would be under the same roof for your birthday!!!"
The stock market.
It always gives me the crêpes
Because the cow's got the udder!