Vandals have attacked the National Origami Museum in Tokyo…
We'll keep you updated as the story unfolds…
What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter?
An irrelephant
I feel like I have no control over my body
Everything I eat goes to shit
I farted in my wallet..
Now I have gas money.
Bro, do you want this pamphlet?
Brochure
If someone gave you $1,000,000 to replace their fuse…
would you refuse?
Two male deer are leaving a gay bar
One turns to the other and says, “I can’t believe I just blew 20 bucks.”
I have to brag, I have sex almost every day…
Almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday, almost on Wednesday…
What fruit likes to go down slides?
Ki-Wheeee
My brother works for my band, helping me fix and replace parts of my drums.
He re-cymbals me, too.
Did you hear about the steer that ate a stick of dynamite?
It was abominable!
What do sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing… They fast!
After a long argument with my boss, I quit my job at the helium factory.
I refuse to be spoken to in that tone of voice.
I’ve been diagnosed with a terrible disease that makes me tell an abundance of airport jokes…
The doctor says it’s terminal
I asked my dad how can i satisfy a girl with a small dick.
He told me to give her a handjob.
My cousin is mute and likes to communicate via embroidery
I guess it's a version of sign language, sew to speak
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent
My wife just accused me of having zero empathy.
I just don’t understand why she feels that way.
Endgame Joke
At the end of the film, Tony Says "I am Ironman" The line should have been "Hi Inevitable, I'm Dad"
A cannibal is someone who…
…is fed up with people.
What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
A roamin’ catholic
My dad was a WWII veteran.
During the Battle of Britain, in just one day, he destroyed 8 German aircrafts killing 32 Nazis. Literally the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.
Christmas is a lot like sex
I always get really excited but after it's over I regret spending all that money.
A charity was trying to convince the towns only millionaire in town to donate to them.
So they sent a worker to his mansion to try to convince him. When he asked the millionaire to donate, the millionaire became angry. "First," he said,"are you aware that my brother, a blind veteran who has four kids and a wife with terminal illness is being evicted in three days?" A little embarrassed, the charity worker replied. "Well, uhm no." "Also, did you know about my mother who is confined to a wheelchair and is living in a homeless shelter?" "Well no sir." "Exactly!" said the millionaire "So if I didn't help them, what makes you think I'll help you?"
Please don’t make pandemic jokes
They aren't funny unless everyone gets it
What chemical element is symbolized by the letters Ah?
The element of surprise!
A woman looks into the mirror and says to her husband:
"I feel fat, old and ugly, give me a compliment". The man replies: "Your eyes are still working great".
A man goes to his doctor because he’s been having headaches for the last 20 years.
The doctor performs a thorough examination and tells him his diagnosis. “The only way to cure your headaches is castration.” The man is taken aback, but, because he has kids and it tired of the headaches, he decides to go through with the procedure. It works, and his headaches are gone for the first time in 20 years. He is ecstatic and decides to treat himself to some new things. He decides the first thing he’s going to buy is a suit. So, he goes to the finest men’s store in town and tells the tailor he wants a new suit. The tailor says he can help and that he’s pretty good at measuring people just by looking at them. He tells the guy that he looks like he wears a 42 Regular suit. The man remarks that the tailor was exactly right, and the suit fits perfectly. The tailor asks him if he’d considered getting new shoes. The man hadn’t, but decides to treat himself. The tailor looks at the man’s feet for a second and comes back with an 11-wide shoe. Again, a perfect fit. Finally, the tailor asks the man if he’d like anything else, perhaps some socks or underwear. Being as the man recently had surgery, he decided to get some new underwear. The tailor looks at him and says that he will go get some 38 underwear. The man laughs and says, “Ah, I’ve finally stumped you. I wear 34 underwear.” The tailor looks at him and reply’s, “No you don’t, if you wore 34 underwear, it would hold your testicles too close to your body, pinch the nerves, and give you headaches.”
My cross-eyed girlfriend left me.
She was seeing someone else.
Why won’t the dog listen to the farmer’s sheep jokes?
Because he has herd them all.
[repost] Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon…
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with "Ah, I guess you had to be there." https://twitter.com/draxar/status/239766758842568704 [Total report, but topical today]
A Firefighter ran into a school holding a screwdriver and yelled…
Quick, everyone get out, this is NOT a drill!