Vectors are more than lines with both direction and magnitude

My wife told me the kid almost burned the house down
Now i’m really scared of arson
I teach high school English and this is my go to:
Student: “Hey can you check this to see if it’s right?” Student hands me their writing. Me, holding their paper upside down: “well, first of all, it’s written upside down.” And then I give it back to them and walk away as if nothing happened.
Call a girl beautiful 1000 times and she won’t think twice…
Call a girl fat once and she’ll always remember. Because elephants never forget Edit: Thanks for the upvotes, I needed this for a challenge on r/ModMurder
Did you hear the rumor about butter?
I’m not going to spread it!
Me: Did you know that abbreviating names might be sometimes confusing?
GF: Really? Me: Yes. George Foreman: How so?
I saw a kidnapping
I decided to let him sleep
eBay is so useless.
I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 93,934 matches.
What do you call half of a Russian tree?
“Demi-tree”
Got a new phone, and I went straight to my lawyer’s office.
He's helping me build a case to avoid damages.
Did you hear about the transgender vegan?
He was a herbefor
Why can’t your nose be 12 inches long?
Cause then it would be a foot….
Where is EA Sports headquarters located?
It’s in the game.
Why was the poker player’s closet messy?
Because he never wanted to fold
I said to the judge, “60% of my parking tickets are bogus!”
He said, “Repeat infractions?” I said, “Okay, 3/5 of my parking tickets are bogus!”
To get a girl, some guys use pick up lines. Others rely on the attraction of their car
So I figure a pick up truck should cover both bases
As my wife was preparing dinner, I said to her, “That’s a nice ham you’ve got there.”
"It’d be a shame if someone put an ‘s’ at the front and an ‘e’ at the end."
Did you hear about the premature ejaculator that is training to become a ninja?
Guys a natural, comes out of nowhere.
What did the shy pebble wish for?
That she was a little boulder.
A man walks into a pet shop and says to the owner.
"Ok I want to buy a pet, but I don't want a boring or normal pet – no cats, dogs, or birds – I want something different." The pet shop owner informs him that he has a talking centipede. "Really?," the main replied, "How much?" The owner informs him that the talking centipede is $50. Happy with the unusual offering, the man pays the money and takes his new pet home. On getting home he lays the match box with the centipede in it on the table, opens it and says "Hello Mr. Centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?" The centipede says nothing. Figuring it must be tired from the journey, he decides to leave it for an hour and try again later. An hour later he opens the match box and says "Hello mr centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?" The centipede again says nothing. Starting to get suspicious the man decides he will give it one more hour, and if the centipede doesn't talk, he will take it back to the shop for a refund. An hour later the man opens the match box and says "Hello mr centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks!?" The centipede says "I heard you the first time!!! I'm putting my shoes on!"
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards….
creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is
I Couldn’t Figure Out How The Seatbelt Worked.
Then it just clicked.
[NSFW] Hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparents’ house to comfort her 95-year old grandmother.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied: ”He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.” Horrified, Katie told her that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. ”Oh no, my dear” replies granny. ”Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring”. ”It was just the right rythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.” She pauses to wipe away a tear, and continued, ”He’d still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn’t come along.”
Someone stole my mood ring
Not sure how I feel about that
“Why are frogs so happy?”
"They just eat what bugs them."
Why was Pavlov’s hair so soft?
Because he conditioned it.
Me, at the hot dog stand: Can I get a jumbo sausage?
Hot dog guy: Sure. Won’t be long. Me: Yikes. In that case, can I have two?
SORRY THIS POST IS IN ALL CAPS,
BUT MY KEYBOARD WAS BROKEN.
A blonde and brunette rob a bank
A blonde and brunette decide to rob a bank. "So you remember the plan?" the brunette asks. The blonde smiles and nods. "I'll keep the car ready.. Good luck!" The blonde runs in, mask on, and pistol in one hand. 5 minutes pass and nothing. The brunette glances at her watch nervously. 10 minutes.. 15 minutes.. 20.. "This is taking way too long.. What the hell is she doing in there?" the brunette asks herself frantically. 30 minutes later the blonde runs out with a rope and ties it to the back of the car. She jumps in and the brunette floors it. The rope tightens and a safe bashes right through the bank wall and trails behind the car. A guard with his pants down runs behind and tries to fire but falls in an awkward attempt to run behind with his pants down. The brunette, furious and red-faced, turns to the blonde and says, "I knew you'd screw this up. I told you to tie up the guard and blow the safe…"

Samsung know I once bought one of their phones but they’re a bit sketchy on the details.
https://ift.tt/2ZvIt7n
“Several years ago, you could smoke in bars”
"Dad, what is a bar?" … "Dad, are you crying?"
If I was an injured cat,
Me: Ow.
Alabama changed the drinking age to 34
They wanted to keep alcohol out of the high schools
Dad: Son did you know you were named after Benjamin Franklin?
Son: But Dad my name is Scott. How could I be named after him? Dad: He was named in 1706.
Yesterday, my wife and I went to the hospital so she could give birth to our child…
As soon as we stepped through the hospital doors, we knew something was wrong. The nurse working in the delivery ward was unclean and unhygienic. Her hair looked like it hadn't been combed for weeks. She gave us a look of utter contempt before ushering us to the delivery room. Throughout the birthing procedure, she would continuously mutter to herself under her breath, saying how her best years were behind her and how she hoped it would all soon be over soon; it made us both extremely anxious. Thankfully, we got through the delivery, and 9 hours later, my wife gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. To our surprise, the nurse who was so indifferent towards us at the start was the first to congratulate us. She wasted no time in caring for our daughter, washing her gently and swaddling her before returning her to her mother. I was so taken aback that I asked one of the other nurses on the floor why her mood had changed so drastically, to which she replied, "Oh, that's normal. She's just having a midwife crisis." This joke is dedicated to all the medical professional out there, especially during this difficult time. You are the real MVPs.
French Woman
The train was quite crowded and a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat. There seemed to be one next to a well-dressed French woman, but when he got there, he saw it was taken by the woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?" The French woman sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat." The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat available was under that dog. "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired." She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!" This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window and sat down. The woman shrieked, "Someone defend me! Put this American in his place!" An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up. "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window.
What do you call somebody with no body, And No Nose?
No-body-Nose
Courtesy of my 5 year old: Why did Dracula take cold medicine?
To stop his coffin.
Don’t be worried about your smartphone or TV spying on you…
Your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
TIL that Tiger Woods always brings an extra sock with him to his golf tournaments.
Just in case he gets a hole in one.
Dieting is really easy
As long as you're poor
“You look like a guy I dated once,” said this woman in a bar.
I said, "Oh…really?" She said, "Yeah. I didn't see him a second time because I thought he was ugly."