Vegans should understand
Eminem walks into a bar and tells the bartender, “Give me two shots of…”
The bartender cuts him off saying,”You only get one shot.”
Did you hear about the burglary at the detergent factory?
The thief made a clean getaway
What do you call a fictional country?
Imagine-nation
What do you call pasta with a cold?
Macaroni and sneeze Was told to me by my 3 year old
I said to my Jamaican date…”Leafy…Stalky…Branchy…”
"What?" she asked, confused. I said, "You asked me to describe myself in tree words."
I wanted someone to buy me Nike’s for Christmas
But then I decided, “Eh, I’ll just do it.”
Did you hear about the guy who’s been pick-pocketing midgets?
I can't believe someone would stoop so low!
In my career as a lumberjack, I cut down exactly 82,546 trees.
I know, because I kept a log.
Condoms do not Guarantee safe sex
Last week a friend of mine was wearing a condom, when the women’s husband came home and shot him dead
What do you call a nervous Darth Vader?
Panakin Skywalker
My friends always make fun of me for having an imaginary girlfriend.
Joke's on them, they're imaginary too.
Why did the lawyer go to culinary school?
He wanted to be a sue chef.
Mars: I’m wet.
NASA: I’m coming over.
A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution “this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before”.
So the lion starts running towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "Hmmmm…that was some good lion meat!". The lion abruptly stops and says " Woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can". Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily "get on my back, we'll get him together". So they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts "where the hell is that monkey! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago…"
I used to be in a band called “The Hinges”
We opened for The Doors
Chocolate is like guns
if you pull it out in school, then everybody is suddenly your friend
So I work with a Chinese guy called Kim.
Once when we're having drinks, I asked him, "Aren't you tired of Westerners saying that all Chinese people look the same? " He replied, "Kim's at the bar getting drinks, I'm his wife. "
I wrote a song about a tortilla.
Well actually it's more of a wrap.
I visited the doctor today and he told me my sugar was too high.
So I came home and moved it to a lower shelf.
My friend couldn’t afford his water bill.
So I sent him a "get well soon" card.
I was in the supermarket when a guy threw a block of cheese at me.
I looked over at him and shouted, “Well that’s not very mature is it??”
Today I said to my (male) colleague, when he was dressing
Looking sharp looking fresh, 10 out of 10 would smash!
My family has a genetic predisposition for diarrhoea.
It runs in our jeans.
My friend can’t afford to pay his water bill anymore.
So I sent him a card, “Get well soon.”
Yesterday I ate a clock
It was very time consuming, especially when i went back for seconds
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One weighs upwards of 1800 pounds, the other is a little lighter.
Did you hear about the actress who got stabbed?
I think her name was um.. Reese.. Reese…. “Reese Witherspoon?” No, with a knife.
Hillary under investigation=guilty, but Trump under investigation=witch hunt.
https://ift.tt/2WLlJPk
They should stock ATMs better…
I went to 4 different ones and they all said insufficient funds…
Did you know that having too much sex causes memory loss?
Or at least that what page 137 figure II part B of my middle school science textbook said.
I want to start running twenty four-hour gyms
And they’ll all be open from 11 to 3 daily
Why nice guys finish last & Why Abundance Is So important in business, in life and in RELATIONSHIPS!
So just wanted to break down “Why Nice Guys Finish Last” to you guys. The “Nice guy” is AGREEABLE to everything. When you are agreeable to everything you are giving all your power away. You are less likely to lead, you are less likely to be ASSERTIVE and you are less lIKELY to be DOMINANT. The nice Guys Lacks Confidence and power. The number one trait women are attracted too is confidence. In the animal kingdom only the strong survives and gets the mate. Women need a men who provides and protects her and a nice guy just comes off as weak. https://youtu.be/eofqXOi1Fdw