Vending options ๐๐๐๐
I came home with a salamander on my shoulder and my son, all excited, shouted, “What’s his name!?โ
Smiling, I replied, โTiny!" My kid laughed and asked, โWhat an odd name, why do you call him Tiny?โ I explained, โBecause…heโs my newt!"
Did you know Tampax gives away slightly defective tampons for free?
No strings attached.
Whatโs the difference between an outlaw and an in-law?
Outlaws are wanted.
Why does Gordon Ramsey always use a condom during sex?
Because otherwise, itโs FUCKING RAW!!!
Cremation isnโt free
You have to urn it
6 was scared of 7 because 7, 8, 9, but why did 7 eat 9?
Because youโre supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day..
Last night, I gave my girlfriend a medieval battle uniform to polish while I went to the bar…
She always said she wanted a night in, shining armor…
My girlfriend said to me last night, โYou treat our relationship like some kind of game!โ
Which unfortunately cost her 12 points and a bonus chance…
I don’t think it’s going well for the calendar
Its days are numbered.
What happens when an artist can’t take criticism?
They take Poland, instead.
Fire is destroying a world famous landmark in Paris right now.
And thereโs notre dame thing they can do about it.
The bravest (long joke)
Three generals and an admiral, one from each branch of the service, are standing around arguing which of their respective branch has the bravest members. "Army is the bravest and I can prove it," says the first general. He looks around and spots a private. "Soldier, get over here!" The young private runs over, goes to attention and throws a crisp salute. "Soldier, I want you to go climb that water tower and jump off." The private sees the water tower and without hesitation runs over to the ladder, scales up, jumps off, and dies on impact. "Now that is bravery." The Navy admiral chuckles and says, " you think that is bravery? Here watch this." He looks around and sees a young seaman. "Seaman, over here!" The young seaman rushes over, goes to attention, and throws a sharp salute. "Seaman, I want you to go over to that water tower and swan dive off." Without a second thought the young man runs over, climbs to the top, and performs a graceful swan dive off off the tower landing head first, dying on impact. "Now that is bravery. " The Marine general, not to be outdone by the Navy, just sneers out, "you boys ain't seen a thing yet." He spots a young corporal and shout out, "hey maggot, over here on the double!" The young Marine barrels over, pops to attention, and throws a perfect salute. "Alright you worthless pile of crap time to finally make something of yourself. I want you to climb up that water tower, do exactly three flips mid-air and land head first into the ground. You better die on impact as well or so help me I will reach into whatever afterlife you believe in, rip you out, and throw you off that tower myself!" Without batting an eye the Marine sprints over to the water tower, climbs up, does exactly three flips, and lands head first dying on impact. "Now that is bravery." The Air Force general just shakes his head and says, "I got this in the bag." He sees a young airman and calls him over. The young man gives a quizzical look and motions to himself to make sure, eventually walking over to the general. He makes a lazy attempt at attention and briefly throws a salute. "Airman, I want you to go over to that water tower and jump off." The airman raises his brow, looks up at the tower, and then down at the pile of dead service members. "Pfft, screw you … sir," he replies and walks off. The Air Force general turns to the other officers and remarks, "Now THAT is bravery!"
What do you call a hundred centipedes?
A dollarpede
A Russian, a Frenchman and an Englishman argued about Adam’s nationality.
A Russian, a Frenchman and an Englishman argued about Adam's nationality. The Frenchman said, "Of course Adam was French. Look how passionately he made love to Eve!" The Englishman said, "Of course Adam was British. Look how he gave his only apple to the lady, like a real gentleman." The Russian said, "Of course Adam only could be Russian. Who else, possessing nothing but a sole apple, and walking with a naked ass, still believed he was in a paradise?"
I threw a boomerang a few years ago..
I now live in constant fear.
Whatโs the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?
One takes things literally and the other takes things, literally.
What did the necklace say to the hat?
You go on ahead, Iโll hang around.
Jail is more than just a word…
… it's a sentence
Everyone at our wedding cried.
Even our wedding cake was in tiers.
Before my surgery my anaesthesiologist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle.
It was an ether/oar situation.
For Sale: Slightly Used Chewing Gum
Near Mint Condition!!!
Is sex a joke?
If it is, I don't get it
Upon hearing that his elderly grandfather had just passed away, Dave went to visit his 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her.
When he asked how his grandfather died, his grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Dave told his grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex was surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, dear," replied granny, "many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She then paused to wipe a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."
What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down and possibly use lubricant
The wage gap isnโt real
Men just go for higher paying jobs like doctor, CEO, lawyer ect. Where as women pick lower paying jobs like female doctor, female lawyer, and female CEO
Why was the horse good at business?
Because it had a stable economy.
I used to hate facial hair.
But then it grew on me.
Long one, sorry.
Once upon a time there was a little town called Trid. The Trids were an industrious people who traded with other towns outside of their little valley. One day, a giant appeared on the hilltops surrounding Trid. Every time a trade caravan would leave, the giant would kick them back down the hill. Over the days, the Trids began to grow afraid that they would starve without their bustling trade economy, so they held a town meeting to figure out what to do about the giant. They decided to try and reason with him before they would fight him, and that the wisest among them should go out the following day. Unanimously, they elected the town Rabbi as the wisest man. So the next day, the Rabbi went out to speak to the giant. He got kicked back down the hills before he could even say a word. He went up a second time with the same result. Although battered and bruised, he tried one last time. Before the giant could kick him he yelled out, "Stop!" And the giant actually stopped. "What is it?" the giant asked. "I'm the local Rabbi and I represent the Trids" the Rabbi replied. "We want to you to stop kicking us down the hills or we'll starve. Will you stop kicking us?" The giant looked down at him with a gleam in his eyes and a slight smile on his lips and said, "Silly Rabbi, kicks are for Trids."
Q: Why can’t a blind guy see his friends?
A: Because he's married.
I phoned up the wine shop.
I said, "Hi, do you do deliveries?" He said, "Yes, sir. Of course." "Superb," I said, "I've got a Domino's Pizza ready to pick up."
I should have listened to my grandfather…
— what did he say? — I don't know. I didn't listen.
What does a robot do after sex?
Nuts and bolts