Venice, COD in real life.
This week I’m hosting a charity event for men who can’t ejaculate.
If you can’t come let me know.
Someone threw a beer at President Trump during last nights National Championship Game.
It was a draft, so he easily dodged it.
If you drive a Tesla, but it gets stolen…
…does that make it an Edison?
I recently got a Delorian but…
…I only drive it from time to time.
I was really bored, so I decided to memorize six pages of the dictionary.
I learned next to nothing.
A bear goes to the bar and says “can I get one whiskey………………and one coke”
The bartender asked "why the big pause" The bear replies "I was born with them"
TRUE FACT
Before the crowbar was invented, most crows drank at home.
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day
A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over
How do fortune tellers greet each other?
You’re good, how am I?
Do tree Poop?
A boy and his father are walking through the woods. The boys asks, "Father do trees poop?" The father looks at the boy and says "Of course, that's where #2 pencils come from."
I looked deep into her eyes
And my legs grew weak at the knees, my heart fluttered, and the butterflies started in my stomach. I knew, in that moment, I'd roofied the wrong glass…
What’s blue and doesn’t weigh much?
Light blue
As I expected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
How much does it cost a pirate to get their ears pierced?
A buck an ear.
My dog has a problem with chasing people on bicycles.
It's gotten so bad that I had to take his bike away.
Depressing pickup lines.
Are you suicide? Because I think about you every day. Are you a toaster? Because I really want to take a bath with you. Are you a noose? Because I really want to hang with you. Are you a gravestone? Because I really wish you were on top of me. Are you anti-depressants? Because if I don’t have you every day I’m going to kill myself. Are you a coffin? Because I really wish I was inside you right now. Are you a coroner? Because I really want you to inspect my body. Are you a death certificate? Because I really wish you were mine. Are you an electrical outlet? Because I really want to stick my fingers in you. Are you traffic? Because running into you would really make my day. Are you a sinking ship? Because I’d really like to go down on you.
I bet jellyfish are sad…
…that there are no peanut butter fish.
A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift.
The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob", where a small knob is placed on the top of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift. Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob." Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant. After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems: "I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them." The doctor looked at her closely and said," Those aren't bags, those are your breasts." She said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee.
Chuck Norris caught the coronavirus
but later decided to let it go.
What do you call a person with one arm and no legs ?
By their name. Don’t be a dick.
I can never get anything right. Yesterday I attempted suicide.
My wife left for work. I went into the garage, sealed the windows and doors. Started my car, let it run. I sat in my lawn chair and closed my eyes. After eight hours, nothing. I felt the same. I was soo pissed off I shut of my Tesla and went back inside.
If having sex for money makes you a whore…
Then does having sex for free make you a non-profit whoreganisation?
George Clooney, Leonardo DiCaprio and Matthew McConaughey got together to make a movie…
Clooney said, "I'll produce." DiCaprio said, " I'll direct." McConaughey said, " I'll write, I'll write, I'll write."
My girlfriend says I only have 2 faults.
I don't listen and something else…
You know your dad has had one too many when
He stops turning the lights off in empty rooms He leaves the front door unlocked past 4pm The lines where he's mown the lawn look like a bowl of noodles When his favorite hat falls and touches the ground, he acts like it was no big deal When you ask for money he doesn't treat it like a cross examination at a war crimes tribunal His dance moves suddenly triple in number
To the guy in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket…
You can hide, but you can’t run
cries in toshiba hdd
Hey babe are you a mechanical hard drive because you have an average response time of 2 years.
BK’s new commercial is questionable at best (I am never eating there again)
BK’s new commercial is questionable at best (I am never eating there again)
What’s the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A hooker can wash her crack and use it again.
How many lemons grow on a tree?
All of them.
What does Alexander the Great have in common with Winnie the Pooh?
Same middle name.
My son asked me, “Dad, what are condoms used for?”
Me: Usually to avoid answering such questions.
Did you hear the rumor about butter?
Well, I'm not going to spread it!
What’s an angry window made of?
Tempered glass
What’s the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted