Ver 2.0
Once a DOCTOR and an ENGINEER entered a chocolate store
Once a DOCTOR and an ENGINEER entered a chocolate store… While they were busy looking around,doctor stole 3 chocolate bars… As they left the store, doctor said to Engineer : "Man! I'm the best thief ever, I stole 3 chocolates and no one saw me. You can't beat that" Engineer replied: "You wanna see something better? Let's go back to the shop and I'll show you real stealing" So they went to the counter and Engineer said to the Shop boy: "Do you wanna see magic..?" The Shop boy replied: "Yes..!!!" Engineer said: "Give me one chocolate bar!" The shop boy gave him one, and he ate it… He asked for the second, and he ate that as well.. He asked for the third, and finished that one too… The shop boy asked: "But where's the magic..?" Engineer replied: "Check in my friend's pocket, and you'll find them..!!!"
A guy in work asked why my son had given up his flying lessons.
I told him pilot jobs aren't really taking off at the moment.
Whatās E.T. Short for?
So he can fit in his spaceship
Why is japan the healthiest country in the world?
Because the last time they had a fat man 80,000 people died
A sweet, little old lady walks into a bar frequented by the baddest biker gang around.
She walks up to the leader, a real mountain of a man, and say she wants to join. He can barely contain his laughter, and decides to have some fun with her before he tells her off. "Do you even own a bike?" he asks. "I do. It's parked right outside." "Do you swear?" "More than a fucking sailor." She says. "Do you drink?" "Like a fish." The leader is surprisingly impressed, and asks one more question. "Well, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?" The old lady thinks for a minute, and then says "No, but I've been swung around by the nipples before."
Scientists have been studying the effect of cannabis on sea birdsā¦
Theyāve left no tern unstonedā¦
How long does a jousting match last?
Until knight fall.
I saw a raccoon with a sewing machine, I asked my wife “Does that raccoon know how to sew?”
She said, "That's how it seams"
What does Donald Trumps hair have in common with a thong?
They both barely cover the asshole
I’m having trouble organizing a Hide and Seek League.
Good players are hard to find.
What do you call a Chameleon who can’t change colours?
A reptile dysfunction!
Italian Altar Boy’s Confession
An Italian altar boy goes to confession. He starts, "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl." The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?" "'Yes, Father, it is." "And who was the girl you were with?" "I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation." "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?" "I cannot say." "Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?" "I'll never tell." "Was it Nina Capelli?" "I'm sorry, but I cannot name her." "Was it Cathy Piriano?" "My lips are sealed." "Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?" "Please, Father, I cannot tell you." The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself." Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?" "Four months vacation and five good leads!"
Funny that when a guy sleeps with tons of girls, he’s a stud..
But when a girl sleeps with tons of guys, somehow Iām not one of them.
I found out that missing eyebrows is an odd genetic trait in our family.
Dad didn't look surprised when I told him.
Two men were washed ashore during World War I.
Their ship, an aging minesweeping model, had wrecked off the coast. As they sought shelter in a makeshift camp, one of them managed to salvage a radio and quickly telegraphed an SOS with their coordinates. To their surprise, a ship responded within the hour, saying it could be at their location in about two weeks. The older soldier shook his head, saying he'd rather take his chances swimming out to the wrecked ship to try and repair it. "You'd really rather play with that old mine craft all day?" the young soldier scoffed. The older man shrugged. "It's better than a fortnight."
Thank you student loans for getting me through college.
I donāt think Iāll ever be able to repay you.
Me: Yeah I’ll probably die alone
Waiter: No I said will you be dining alone? Me: Oh
What did one cucumber seed say to the other?
We're in a bit of a pickle!
A kid asks his mom:
Mom, whatās dark humor? Do you see that man without arms over there? Tell him to clap Mom! I'm blind…. Exactly.
What do you call a bullet proof Irishman?
Rick O'Shea
I am so bored being stuck at home that I decided to memorize six pages of a dictionary.
I learned next to nothing.
I’m friends with 25 letters of the alphabet.
I don't know y.
I’m glad you like my tiny candles!
I really needed that votive confidence.
My wife dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
My wife told me the kid almost burned the house down
Now iām really scared of arson
The urge to sing “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” may come at any time
It's just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away
A woman got hit in the head by a horse.
Donāt worry, sheās in stable condition.