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“Son, what’re you drinking” “Soy milk”
"Hola milk, soy es tu padre!"
![[OC] Guess The Pun #50: Dance like No Bun is Watching](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/04/no_image_card-28-400x247.png)
You know what really makes me smile?
Facial muscles.
Right enough of these “2020 vision” jokes
I don’t want to make a spectacle of myself
What creature is smarter than a talking parrot?
A spelling bee.
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When the punchline becomes apparent.
I was going to share a joke about sodium on here…
…But then I thought, "Na, they've probably heard it before."
Finland has just closed their borders
No one will be crossing the finish line
What’s the difference between sex and mental illness?
Most of Reddit has experienced mental illness
(Long joke, continues in body) Once upon a time, in the magical fantasy kingdom, there lived a young monk named Sam.
His order was renowned for their beautiful choral singing. They trained, hours every day, refining their voices and their art. Their song floated down the mountainside, enriching the lives and souls of the townspeople below. Sam was particularly gifted, and on his 19th birthday, in mid-song, he hit upon a beautifully intricate note of pure magic. Everyone within miles just froze in mid action, stirred to the very core of their souls by the pure bliss of the tone. And all the realm realized, instantly, that it was Sam, and Sam was the first person in history to hit one of the rumored Magical Notes that musicians had theorized must exist… yet no one before Sam had ever reached one. And on Sam's 20th birthday, it happened again. This time, the town below was so impacted that no one moved, spoke, or even blinked for several minutes after. As the golden sound finally tapered off and ceased, they knew that Sam had found the Second Note… And the next year on Sam's birthday, the town had realized there was a pattern involved. This time, all of the townspeople were present in the monastery's nave, watching in awe, as Sam hit the glorious Third Note. People cried out in pure joy as the sound grew to a glorious crescendo. Words cannot do justice to the experience. The town flourished, as Sam's notes made the people pure all the way to the core of their beings. And on it went for the next few years, the Magical Notes growing sweeter and sweeter… until, that is, Sam's 25th birthday. All at first seemed as normal… until Sam hit the Magical Note. From the start, Sam seemed very uncomfortable, and this new sound was not beautiful… it was jarring and discordant. Sam started to get very warm, and was visibly sweating onstage. He doubled his resolve and dug deeper, to get to the sweet part of the Magical Note that he knew must be there. Suddenly, to the horror of all, Sam spontaneously combusted! The two closest monks on stage were burned by the flames coming off of his body, and he ignited the stage curtains. Soon the entire monastery was aflame. By a miracle, everyone made it out, except for poor Sam. The townsfolk were left staring at the burning monastery in sad, stunned disbelief. The mayor approached the lead monk of the order. "What happened?" he asked, exasperated. The old monk shook his head sadly. "Isn't it obvious?" he said. "Sam sung Note 7."
What’s a pirate’s favorite juice?
The Hi-C
Advice for a broken arm
I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.
I’m the content creator for the IG of the @. Please don’t hold that against me.
https://ift.tt/2DPJYmQ
What do you call a stolen Tesla
An Edison
LPT : If you ever get locked out of your house,
Talk to your lock calmly because communication is key.
A lost hiker is on one side of a raging river when he sees a buddhist monk on the other side. There are no bridges. He has no boat. He shouts out to the monk on the opposite bank. “How do I get to the other side?”
The buddhist monk shouts back: “You are on the other side.”
Why did Juan take Xanax
For hispanic attacks
When Unity’s loading screen finally coincides with your feelings about your project.
https://ift.tt/2u4Mi83
A group of photographers went out to dinner..
As they sat at their table, taking photos of their food for social media, one of the photographers realized he hadn't been given water. He approached the bar and asked for a glassful, with which the bartender obliged. Rather than immediately leaving, he stood there and stared at the bartender for a moment before returning to his seat. Soon enough, he found himself thirsty again, and took another trip to the bar, and once again stared at the bartender. This happened again and again throughout the night, with the bartender becoming progressively more frustrated by the photographers persistent requests for glasses of water and uncomfortable stares. Finally, on the photographers fifteenth trip, the bartender loses his cool and yells, "Take a pitcher, it'll last longer!"
Bringing chewing gum to school is like bringing guns to school:
everyone starts acting like you've been best friends since 1st grade once they see what you have.
I got hit by a rental car on the way to work yesterday
Fucking Hertz.
Ah yes, forget the fact that the cost of college increased at least 260% since 1980
https://ift.tt/2PbrZNy
Girls With Big Tits.
When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a beautiful girlfriend with big tits. When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability. When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement. When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition. When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned. I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a beautiful girlfriend with big tits.
Why did the T-Rex only sell handguns
Because he is a small arms dealer
Tim has been dating his girlfriend for months, but he was never able to get her to orgasm…
He tried everything. Different positions, speeds, different lubes, even different music playing in the background. Nothing worked. Finally, she complains that she's just too hot during sex, and being all sweaty kills the mood. So not having an electric fan to cool them down, Tim invites his roommate Big Jake in and asks him to fan them with a towel while they make love. Jake agrees. So Tim's fucking away while Jake stands there fanning the two of them with a towel. Still nothing. The girl doesn't even come close to climaxing. Finally after half an hour, Jake humbly suggests, "I think I know what's wrong. Maybe we should switch just once." Tim is desperate to finally please his woman, so he agrees. Jake climbs on and starts fucking Tim's girl while Tim stands there fanning with the towel. Within minutes, she's having multiple screaming, moaning, thrashing, squirting orgasms as Big Jake thrusts away. Tim grins, triumphantly. "You see, Jake!" he says. "Now this is how you fan a girl with a towel!"
Why do space rocks taste better than earth rocks?
They’re a little meteor.
What did one plate say to the other plate?
Dinner is on me!
What happens if a cow drinks her own milk?
It comes in at one end, and out the udder
I bought my son a refrigerator for his birthday.
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
My wife found out I was cheating after she found the letters I was hiding
After that she refuses to play Scrabble with me.
I failed my decimals exam
But hey, at least I gave it 109.98%
What’s the suicide bomber’s worst fear?
Dying alone.
How are you supposed to know its funny if the background doesn’t tell you so??
https://ift.tt/2UxT6W5
What concert costs $0.45?
A 50 cent and nickelback concert.
