Very iconic line
What kind of bees give milk?
Boo-Bees!
I don’t know if this qualifies but I laughed when I first saw it and now it makes me sad…
https://ift.tt/2SRCrwy
Communist jokes aren’t funny
Unless everyone gets it
62% of Kentuckians pronounce their state capital “Loo-uh-vul”, while 38% say “Loo-ee-ville.
Unfortunately, the correct answer is Frankfort.
Working out is like a drug to me.
I don’t do drugs.
a communist joke isn‘t funny until every one gets it. …
No text found
“Hey Dad, why does Jesus wear a crown of thorns in every picture?”
“No idea. That’s a real head-scratcher.”
I was sexually active at 12
It’s now 12:15 and my arm is killing me
Did you know that Iceland…
…is only one sea away from Ireland?
A guy walks into a bar with an octopus.
He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. He can play any musical instrument in the world. He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him, calling him an idiot, etc. So he says that he will wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play. A guy walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus. The octopus starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix, just rippin' it up. So the man pays his $50. Another guy walks up with a trumpet. The octopus plays the trumpet better than Dizzie Gillespie. So the man pays his $50. Then a Scotsman walks up with bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and sits it down with a confused look. "Ha!" the Scot says. "Can't you play it?" The octopus looks up at him and says, "Play it? I'm going to fuck it as soon as I figure out how to get its pajamas off."
My 4 year old son just got me with a dad joke I hadn’t heard before.
My son was playing with his teenage mutant ninja turtle action figures, and was making them fight each other. Me: "Where are their weapons? Are they just fighting with their bare hands?" Son: "No, they are fighting with their turtle hands." Doesn't have a clue why I was laughing so hard.
Trump tried to kill himself and failed
it was a fake noose
What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
If we don't get some support, people are going to think we're nuts!
6:30 is the best time of day.
Hands down.
Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
Yes we arson
Why was the PTA meeting homicide difficult to solve?
Because it wasn't apparent who did it.
My Dad really wanted me to make paper planes with him
Eventually I folded
Why do cows wear bells around their necks?
Because their horns don’t work!
Why was Pavlov’s hair so soft?
Because he conditioned it.
Just lost my job as a zookeeper
In my defence there were signs everywhere saying "please don't feed the animals"
My son asked, “Dad, what are condoms for?”
"Usually to avoid answering questions like these," I replied.
There once was a Native American who had only one testicle…
There once was a Native American who had only one testicle And whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!' The word got around and nobody called him that any more. Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.' He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, Until Blue Bird died from exhaustion. The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until A woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, Was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.' Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, Then he made love to her all day, Made love to her all night, Made love to her all the next day, Made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die! Why ??? . . . . . . . . You can't kill Two Birds With OneStone!!!
I was going to put a vegetable joke in here
But you don't carrot all. That was corny. Don't beet yourself up about it. This is below my celery. Lettuce go our seperate ways.
I’ve just bought a bottle of head lice treatment but there’s no instructions on how to use it.
It's left me scratching my head to be honest.
Research found chewing of garlic cloves daily helps prevent Wuhan virus.
People around you will socially distance from you automatically.
r/PoliticalHumor 2019 Best Of Awards!
It’s time for Reddit’s Best of 2019 Awards.What a year it’s been here in r/politicalhumor, thanks to everyone for participating.Make your nominations here and/or upvote your favorites.You are welcome to categorize your nominations, i.e:Best PostBest CommentBest of YearOnly one nomination per comment. Please do not nominate yourself. You may only nominate submissions made in 2019.This thread is set to contest mode which sorts comments randomly and hides vote scores. In January, the votes will be tallied and a results thread will be posted. We will give reddit gold to the top submissions!
My idea of a professional Hide and Seek tournament failed miserably.
Good players are hard to find.
A lot of conflict in the Wild West….
….could have been avoided completely if cowboy city planners had just made their towns big enough for everyone.
What haunts a chicken coop?
Poultrygeist
Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.
The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father." The second Catholic women chirps, "Well, my son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Grace." The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Eminence." The fourth Catholic women sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her a subtle "Well…?" She replies, "My son is a charismatic, 6'2", hard-bodied male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "My God."
Therapists only want one thing
and it's fucking discussing.
TUTORIAL: “How to Fall Down the Stairs”
Step 1: Step 4: Step 9: Step 15: