very infuriating
An Englishman and an Irishman go to a bakery. The Englishman steals three buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves. He says to the Irishman: “That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn’t even see me.”
“That’s just simple thievery,” the Irishman replied. “I’ll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results.” The Irishman then proceeded to call out the owner of the bakery and says: “Sir, I want to show you a magic trick.” The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magic trick. The Irishman asked him for a bun and then he proceeded to eat it. He asked two more times and after eating them again the owner says: “Okay my friend, where’s the magic trick?” The Irishman then said: “Look in the Englishman’s pockets.”
What do you call a butt plug being used by a guy?
A manhole cover
Doctor: Do you want the good news first, or the bad news?
Man: Good news first please, doc! Doctor: We’re naming a disease after you
Me: “75 Watts.. 60 Watts.. 100 Watts” Daughter: “what are you doing, dad??”
Me: "oh, just a bit of light reading"
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
They were prime-mates
I accidentally clicked on a pop-up link that said, “Free Justin Bieber tickets inside!”
Thankfully it was just a virus.
Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap
He was high on my list of priorities
![[OC] Guess The Pun #48 – Watch the sideeye, Sass-lan…](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/03/no_image_card-37-400x247.png)
I took the batteries out of my carbon monoxide alarm
Its loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel dizzy and sick.
I tried to organize a Hide and Seek tournament, but I eventually gave up.
Good players are hard to find.
Why should you avoid hunting deers with a shotgun?
Because if you encounter a deer who has a shotgun, it's best to just leave them alone.
A priest, a monk, and a rabbit walk into a blood bank
The rabbit says, "I'm a type O."
What did Tennessee?
The same thing that Arkansas.
I think I have bad posture
But it's just a hunch.
An Englishman,a Frenchman,a Spaniard and a German are watching a juggling show
The juggler notices that they have a poor view and stands on a box. He then says”Can you see me now?” And they answer: “Yes” “Oui” “Si” “Ja”
A gorilla walks into a bar
A gorilla comes into a bar and orders a martini. This totally amazes the bartender, but he thinks, "What the heck, I guess I might as well make the drink." So he mixes the martini. He then walks back over to the give it to the gorilla, and the animal is holding out a twenty-dollar bill. Well, now the bartender is just at a loss for words. He can't believe that a gorilla walked into his bar, ordered a martini, and then actually had a twenty-dollar bill to pay for it. So, in amazement, he takes the twenty and walks to the cash register to make the change. While he's standing in front of the cash register he stops for a second and thinks to himself, "Let me try something here and see if the gorilla notices anything." So he walks back over to the gorilla and hands him a dollar change. The gorilla doesn't say anything, he just sits there sipping the martini. After a few minutes the bartender just can't take it anymore. "You know," he says to the gorilla, "we don't get too many gorillas in here." And the gorilla says, "At nineteen dollars a drink I'm not surprised."
On the last episode of Forged in Fire, a contestant made a blade the cut 4 loaves of bread in just one slice. . .
Now that's what you call a 4 loaf cleaver.
My friend gave birth in the car on the way to the hospital and her husband named the baby Carson.
and if you don’t get that that’s the best dad joke ever…. well 🤷🏼♀️
What’s the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
The people in Dubai don't like the Flintstones, but the people in Abu Dhabi do.
Oh god guys, I’m hearing a noise up stairs
Really hope that it isn’t Christopher Robin my house
My utility belt is empty…
Now it's just a waist of space.
A girl killed a butterfly [Slightly NSFW]
Her father became mad and said "No butter for you" Later, the girl killed a honeybee, her father again became mad and said "No honey for you" The girl later killed a cockroach. Her father said "Nice try, this is Alabama" (Sorry, English is not my first language)
Before going to bed, a little child asks his dad a question.
"Daddy? Do all fairy tales begin with 'once upon a time'"? The dad responds, saying "No, there are a whole series of fairy tales that begin with 'If elected, I promise…'"
How does Harry Potter get down a hill?
Walking JK, Rolling
I don’t trust people who draw…
They always seem sketchy.
Why doesn’t the Pope like trigonometry?
It has a lot of sin
[NSFW] Wonder Woman is laying naked, face down, on a rooftop…
…when Superman flies by and sees her. Her naked body has him feeling all types of ways, so he starts to think, "You know, I'm faster than a speeding bullet. I could be in and out of there before she even realizes what happened." So, Superman flies in, does his business and takes off. Wonder Woman says, "What was that?" The Invisible Man responds, "I don't know, but my fucking ass is killing me."
I opened a tub of soft margarine and it looked just like the face of Jesus!
I showed my Indian friend and he said "I can't believe it's not Buddha".
Yesterday I went to a temporary tattoo parlour to get a tattoo.
After it wouldn't wash off this morning I went back to complain, but the tattoo parlour wasn't there.
Richard Pryor: I got famous for saying “motherfucker”. Sam Jackson: I also got famous for saying “motherfucker”.
Oedipus: You guys are all talk.
What do you have when you buy the wrong meat at the store.
Mistake. (My 7 yo daughter thought it up at the grocery today. Never been more proud.)
Rest in peace to boiling water
You will be mist
A guy moves to Alaska to get away from it all…..
After 6 months of isolation, he is starting to get lonely. On Dec 26th, there is a knock of the door for the first time. He opens the door to find a large middle aged man with a big beard and plaid shirt. "I'm your neighbor from 11 miles down the road. I'm having a New Years Eve party and wondered if you'd like to come." Why sure, that sounds like fun! It's pretty lonely out here in the wilderness. "Ok, anytime after 9. Oh, and there's going to be some drinkin' going on." That's no problem, I like a drink myself. "OK, could be some fightin' too" Heh, well, I know how to take care of myself. I'll be careful. "And sure to be some sex too." Well, I've been pretty much alone for 6 months, so that sounds like just what I'm looking for! Any suggestion on what to wear to the party? "Wear? Wear what you want, it's just you and me."
Females are just males…
but with more iron.
How much does Santa pay to park his sleigh?
Nothing. It’s on the house.
