Very nervous
A priest, a rabbi, and a Buddhist monk walk into a bar.
The priest orders a whisky sour, the rabbi orders a red wine, and all three of them died in agony and put those they were close to in critical condition because they couldn't just stay the fuck home.
My hipster friend drowned
He tried to walk on ice before it was cool
How many divorced men does it take to change a lightbulb?
We wouldn’t know, the women always get to keep the house.
The car dealership in my town just doubled its size.
It can offer a whole lot more.
Why don’t ants catch colds?
They have tiny anty bodies.
My wife’s leaving me because she says I have an unhealthy obsession with Africa…
Kenya believe it? I'm Ghana miss her.
A guy walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist…
"I've gotta know, does Viagra really work?" The pharmacist replied, "it sure does. In fact, I use it myself." "Good to know. Can you get it over the counter?" "Well, yes, if I take two of them."
“Won’t you kiss me, doctor”, asks a beautiful woman.
"No, it would be against my code of ethics," says the doctor. "Please, just one kiss," begs the woman. "It's completely out of question," he goes on. "I shouldn't even really be having sex with you."
My friend Jay recently had twin girls, and wanted to name them after him.
So I suggested Kaye and Elle.
Nympho on a plane
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced Up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took The seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?” She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston." He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?” “Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.” “Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?” “Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.” Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t Even know your name.” “Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba".
“Dad. Are we pyromaniacs?”
"Yes, we arson."
What did the robber say after blowing up Fort Knox?
Edit: Wow! This blew up! Thanks for the gold!
A man approaches his best friend’s wife one day
when her husband is at the office. "Will you have sex with me?" he asks. "No. My husband wouldn't approve." "O.K. What if I give you $1000?" "Well, for a $1000 I think I will. Come back tomorrow afternoon when my husband is at work." So the man shows up next day and slaps $1000 on the table and they do whatever it was they did(!!!). In the evening her husband comes home a little distraught: "Was my best friend here today?" "Y-y-yes." his wife says with concern. "And did he leave $1000?" "Y-y-yes." she says expecting the worst. "Oh good, what a great pal he is. He came in this morning and asked if he could borrow $1000 from me and promised to return it this afternoon!"
Two rednecks flew to Canada on a hunting trip.
They chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week hunting moose. They managed to bag 6. As they were loading the plane to return, the Pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose. The two guys objected strongly. "Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours." Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. The plane took off. However, while attempting to cross some mountains, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down. Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, only the two rednecks survived the crash. After climbing out of the wreckage, Billy Ray asked Billy Bob, "Any idea where we are?" Billy Bob replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."
Children are like farts
You can only tolerate your own
Wife: Can you pick up milk?
Guy: lifts gallon yeah it's pretty easy. Wife: I mean from the store. Guy: I would imagine it weighs the same there.
not saying new and innovative studies are wrong, but you know which sort of people i mean
https://ift.tt/2TQ7nxa
My buddy asked if he could crash on my couch tonight. I had to explain to him that I was married now…
…and that's where I sleep.
3% raise, extra 2 days of vacation, and better coffee…
3% raise, extra 2 days of vacation, and better coffee…
Some guy just said he was going to attack me with the neck of a guitar.
I said “Is that a fret”
Why is dark spelled with a k and not with a c?
Because you can’t see in the dark
A wife asked her husband why he cheated on her.
His reply was “she was just lying there naked on the table, what was I supposed to do?” The wife replied “perform the fucking autopsy!”
Why does the Norway Navy have barcodes on the side of their ships?
So when they come back they can Scandinavian.
Steal everyone’s eyelids and no one bats an eye…
Remove their brains from their skulls and everyone loses their mind…
My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, "No, wait! I can change."
A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap?
"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15. When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs. When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laughs too. When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"
Imm so good at sleeping
I can do it with my eyes closed