Very punny comment section.
My dad sent this to me this morning. He sends shit like this all the time unironically
https://ift.tt/2Xk88k7
I got fired for wearing a mini-skirt to work
They said the customers complained about my hanging dick
Remember to poop before midnight tonight
You don’t want to be carrying the same shit into the new decade
A man stood in the plane and shouted “Hijack”…
All the passengers got scared…. Then from the other side of the plane a guy shouted back…"Hey Dave".
I have a pen that can write underwater!!
It can write other words too.
A guy asks a woman “Would you have sex with me for a million dollars?”
She replies, "Well, to be honest, at that price, the answer would have to be yes." "Well would you do it for five dollars?" "NO! What do you think I am?" "We've already established what you are. Now we're just haggling over price."
How many cops does it take to push a black man off the stairs?
None, he fell off.
My wife just joined an activist group called DAM
Mothers Against Dyslexia
I threw a firecracker towards a dart board.
It was bang on target.
What sort of lights to Noah use on the Ark?
Flood lights
What did a cannibal get for being late for dinner?
a cold shoulder
When I was a kid, Santa gave me a lump of coal. The next year, I poisoned his cookies.
Somehow the bastard found out and killed my dad.
Did you hear about the semicolon that broke the law?
It received two consecutive sentences.
I’ve been fired from work for putting in too many shifts
Keyboard manufacturing isn't as easy as you think
V
V Edit: my CTRL key broke
In the middle of the battle, I decided to use a knife to preserve my ammo.
All the other paintball players started freaking out though.
What do antivax moms and responsible bartenders have in common?
They don’t give shots to babies.
I debated a flat earthier once
He got so mad that he stormed off saying that he would walk to the edge of the earth to prove me wrong. He’ll come around eventually
What did the painter say after his vehicle was stolen?
Where’d the Van Gogh?
Being told I was going deaf…
was very difficult to hear.
I don’t like braille porn
It's all fingering.
Why does a chicken coop only have 2 doors?
Because if it had 4 doors it’d be a chicken sedan.
A few days ago I learnt what confirmation bias meant.
Now I see it everywhere.
Why do HK police go to work early?
To beat the crowds.
ation.
https://www.reddit.com/r/dadjokes/comments/ap9gqf/i_have_a_phd_in_procrastin/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app
I’m on a plane and the lunch choices are: white meat chicken or German sausage. Unfortunately, I’m seated in the last row.
I'm hoping for the breast, but preparing for the wurst.
I only lasted a month at the calender factory.
They fired me after taking a day off
[NSFW] Hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparents’ house to comfort her 95-year old grandmother.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied: ”He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.” Horrified, Katie told her that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. ”Oh no, my dear” replies granny. ”Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring”. ”It was just the right rythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.” She pauses to wipe away a tear, and continued, ”He’d still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn’t come along.”
My friend was upset that he was passed over for promotion at work by an attractive older colleague.
I said, “Don’t cry over skilled milf.”
My wife and I share a sense of humour
We have to. She doesn't have one.
“Dad, what is a joke I can post on Reddit to get a lot of upvotes?”
“Hm, that’s a good question, son. I think I have an idea.” “Okay, dad. What is it?” “You should post a story about an old man tying balloons to his house to fly away and a Boy Scout joining him as they float down to South America.” “Why would I post that, dad?” “Because then when people like it, you’ll get a lot of Up votes.”
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler and the other is a tiny waddler…
A horse, chicken and a pig are out walking on a farm…
When suddenly the horse falls into a mud hole. The pig and chicken freak and they don’t know how they will get their friend out. So the pig and chicken run up to the farmers house and they bang on the door, no answer… again they bang on the door, no answer. In a fury the chicken busts down the door and grabs the keys to the Mercedes parked out front. Then the two of them grab some rope. The pig then drives down to the mud hole and attaches one end of the rope to the horse and the other to the bumper. The pig then pulls the horse out with the Mercedes. The next day, the three of them are walking again and the chicken falls into the same hole. The pig begins to say “I know what to do!” and begins to run back to the house, but the horse stops him and says “hold on, watch this”. The horse then steps over the mud hole and says to the chicken, “grab hold of my penis”. The chicken complies as he doesn’t want to die in the mud hole and grabs hold of the penis and the horse pulls him out. The moral of the story is, when you’re hung like a horse, you don’t need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.