Very serious
After buying a new sail for my boat, Amazon told me it’s too late to cancel my order.
That sail has shipped.
Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it got stuck in a crack
Two antennas got married.
The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent!
Whats the name of the most badass debt collector?
Bond. Legal Bond.
Girls these days really don’t know what romanticism and respect is
Quick tip for all you girls: If I bring you your breakfast in bed you are supposed to say things like "Thank you sweetie" or maybe "Aww, I love you too!" And not things like "Who the hell are you?" and "How the fuck did you get into my house?"
A homeless man meets a rich man on Christmas Eve.
The homeless man asks the rich man, "What'd ya get for your wife this year?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Tesla." The homelesa man asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange them." The homeless man nods. The rich man proceeds to ask him, "Well, what did you get your wife this year?" The homeless man thinks about it for a second and replies, "A pair of slippers and a dildo." The rich man asks, "Why those two things?" The homeless man proudly reponds, "Well, if she don't like the slippers, she can go fuck herself."
When the earthquake told a joke, nobody laughed.
But the ground was cracking up.
NSFW
Oral sex in the morning? I call that a Head Start.
Two women were playing golf.
One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him. 'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'? He replied: It feels great, but I think my thumb's still broken.
A lawyer is arrested by the cops
He says: "I refuse to say anything without a lawyer present." Cop: "You are a lawyer." Lawyer: "Exactly, so where is my present?"
A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship
A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."
Just saw a guy wearing T-Shirt that reads “Truth + God = Life”
Thank god I'm good at math, Truth = Life – God
Why isn’t “Dark” spelled like “Darc” instead?
Because You can't c in the dark
I slept with a girl who works at Netflix last night
It was pretty cool, she even recommended some girls I might like to sleep with next
Why is 10 always afraid?
Because he was in the middle of 9/11
A man is involved in a minor car accident and starts screaming and shouting like a baby
A cop approaches the car and says: "Sir, the ambulance is on its way. Your girlfriend has blood on her face, yet she sits there patiently. You appear to be fine, why are you crying so loud?" The man replies: "Check what's in her mouth!"
I hope Death is a woman
That way it will never come for me
I just got a new job at a bicycle repair shop.
I’m their new spokesman.
At the bakery, I saw a cake that was sculpted like a house and I decided to have it.
As I was eating it, I said to myself, "It tastes just like home."
A woman walks into a saloon and stands on a chair.
"Fellas! My p***y is so big that I'll give $100 to anyone who has something that I can't take." A big cowboy gets up and takes off his size 16 cowboy boots and shoves them into her p***y. The boots are sucked right in. He grabs a flashlight and, that too, is sucked in. He puts his face in between her legs to get a better look and he gets sucked in. Inside he hears noises. "Is someone else in here?" he asks. "Yeah, I've been in here for a week," the voice says. "Help me find my flashlight and we can get out of here," the cowboy says. "Hell," says the other man, "help me find my keys and we can drive out."
How does a Jewish man make coffee?
Hebrews it.
Сафари парк львов Тайган
https://ift.tt/33T3qd9
Not only did someone post this on Facebook, they reposted it again. Boomer- 100
https://ift.tt/2UMcUFi
just stole a tesla
now it’s called edison
What did Kim Jong Un say on his death bed?
My Korea is over
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked me with tears in his eyes and said…
“You know, one would’ve been enough!”
My friend asked me, “Is sex weird after one gets a vasectomy?”
I said, “I don’t notice a vas deferens.”
Comedian doing crowd work gets an answer he wasn’t ready for and handles it perfectly
https://youtu.be/rV8XhzG_rAg
Why don’t dinosaurs talk ?
Because they're dead
So long boiling water, you will be mist
No text found
What should you do when its cold?
stand in the corner, because its 90 degrees there