Very serious
Me: *licking lips in anticipation* I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
Instructor: don't lick my lips again.
I was shocked when my doctor told me all my fingers were broken after my accident.
It was hard to grasp.
Why dont ants get sick?
Because they have anty bodies.
My son was crying today because he spilled his scrambled eggs all over his art supplies.
He was having an eggs and stencils crisis.
“Hey Dad, who invented the haircut?”
“I don’t know, but I’m sure it was some barberian.”
r/ProgrammerHumor best of 2019 nominations thread
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A bishop walks straight up to the bar and the barman says
You can't do that. Bishops can only move diagonally.
A Drunk Man Stumbles Out of A Bar…
…and sees two priests walking across the street. He staggers towards the two priests and stops in front of them. He turns to the first priest and proudly says, “I’m Jesus Christ!” The first priest shakes his head and replies, “No, son, you’re not.” He then turns to the second priest and says again, “I’m Jesus Christ!” Again, the second priest replies, “No, son, you’re not.” The drunk man finally says, “Follow me, I’ll prove it too you!” Curious, the two priests follow behind him as he walks back into the bar. Immediately upon entering, the bartender takes one look at the man and says, “Jesus Christ, you’re here again?!”
Conjunctivitis.com
Now that’s a site for sore eyes
Two medieval instruments are having a conversation
"I'm a harpsichord." Says the first. "I'm a lute." Says the second. "No you're not!" Says the harpsichord. "You're that other string instrument!" The second looks at him, shocked, and says, "Sir, are you calling me a lyre?!"
Everyone knows masturbation is a touchy subject.
But oral sex? That's just a matter of taste.
I never thought it was possible for clocks to have sex
But when the time came, I finally knew
What do you get when you eat 3.14 slices of cake?
Diabetes. What?, did you really think I was gonna make a pie joke on my cake day? btw I waited 1 whole year to tell this joke
What’s the least spoken language?
Sign language.
My son and I were fishing and He said to me, “i used to know a guy with a wooden leg named Smith”.
I replied, “funny, what was the name of his other leg”.
What did the burglar say when he detonated a bomb to get into Fort Knox?
Edit: Wow, this blew up. Thanks for the gold!
What do cops say when they have sex?
Stop resisting!
