Very true.
I want to open a doctors office with a nail salon inside.
It’ll be called “Many Cures and Manicures”
When do you know a joke is a dad joke?
When the punchline is a parent
What’s an opinion without 3.14?
An onion
I was watching rc plane crashes the other day
They’re better than regular plane crashes, because there’s no loss of life. If you’re flying an rc plane, you never had a life to begin with.
“Dad, whose music did you listen to when growing up?”
Dad: Led Zeppelin. Son: Who? Dad: Yes. They were good too.
How many germans does it take to change the lightbulb.
One, we are efficient and devoid of humor
The blonde’s password
During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password: "MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento" When asked why such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.
I just lost an ice cube in the kitchen.
But I'm not worried, its just water under the fridge.
Today I saw dwarf prisoner climbing down a wall.
I thought to myself "Now, that's a little condescending".
Today I started an argument with my wife while riding in an elevator
I was wrong on many levels
They said gloves and a mask would be enough to go to the supermarket..
They lied, everyone else had their clothes on
Finally the answer for why people are panic buying toilet paper
Every time on person sneezes, 10 people around them shit themselves.
My dad died when we couldn’t remember his blood type…
As he died, he kept insisting “BE POSITIVE,” but it’s really hard without him.
I saw Santa following me around in the mall, and I asked him why.
He said, “Christmas stalking.”
When the first poop of the year is the first poop in my new bed since i got it
https://ift.tt/2thvPN8
Trump supporters in a nutshell. This is why America is the way it is right now
https://ift.tt/2vUEW7E
How many germans do you need to change a lightbulb?
One, we are very efficient and not funny
A game warden catches an unlicensed fisherman in the act.
"You're going to pay a big fine for all those fish in your bucket" But, officer, I didn't catch these — they are my pet fish and I just bring them here to swim. When they're done they jump back into the bucket. "Oh really? This I've got to see. If you can prove it, I'll let you go." The fisherman empties the bucket into the lake and waits patiently. A few minutes go by and nothing happens. Game warden: So where are the fish? Fisherman: What fish?
Republicans trying to find just 1 witness willing to defend Trump’s innocence under oath
https://ift.tt/37jeC5j
NSFW A boy goes to the zoo with his parents
They're standing at the elephant exhibit when the boy asks his mom: What's that thing hanging down from the elephant? Mom: That's it's trunk. Boy: No, further back. Mom: That's its tail. Boy: No, in between. Mom: Oh, that's nothing. Now run along. The boy is still curious so he walks over to his dad. Boy: Dad, what's that thing hanging down from the elephant? Dad: That's its trunk. Boy: No, further back. Dad: That's its tail. Boy: No, in between. Dad: That's its penis. Boy: Oh, but Mom said it was nothing. Dad: Well, son, you have to realize that your mom is a little spoiled.
Did you hear about the two guys who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
7 year old got me today
Did you know gibberish spelled backwards is gibberish? No, it's hsirebbig. Exactly my point!
ROMNEY DIDN’T KILL HIMSELF
Sorry, just practicing.
People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Madrid.
Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.
Where do DJs get their information?
The wiki wiki
“Also the whole company depends on this project working smoothly, so no pressure!”
https://ift.tt/36Y4ApK
I’m thinking of removing my spine
It's only holding me back.
My wife asked me if I wanted kids…
I told her, no, but I wouldn't mind playing with the box they came in.
I tried to impress a bunch of people at a party by playing my guitar, but nobody took any notice.
They just frowned and moved to another part of the silent disco.
Why did Ross Geller from Friends drown?
He wasn’t a good Schwimmer.
My grandad asked me how to print on his computer…
I told him it’s Ctrl-P. He says he hasn’t been able to do that for ages.
I was using ancestry.com and I found out that my great grandfather was from Transylvania.
Now I can’t even look myself in the mirror.
My parents made me go to Stockholm with them on holiday…
… I didn’t like it at first.
It’s tricky knowing when to take the tea bag out.
There's a steep learning curve.
A young Law student, having failed his Law exam, goes up to his crusty old professor, who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind.
Student, "Sir, do you really know everything about this subject?" Professor, "Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn't be a professor, would I?" Student, "OK. So I'd like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my marks as it is. If you can't give me the correct answer, however, you'll have to give me an "A". Professor, "Hmmmm, alright. So what's the question?" Student, "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?" The professor wracks his famous brain, but just can't crack the answer. Finally he gives up and changes the student's failing mark into an "A" as agreed, and the student goes away, very pleased. The professor continues to wrack his brain over the question all afternoon, but still can't get the answer. So finally he calls in a group of his brightest students and tells them he has a really, really tough question to answer, "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal? " To the professor's surprise (and embarrassment), all the students immediately raise their hands. "All right," says the professor and asks his favorite student to answer. "It's quite easy, sir" says the student "You see, you are 75 years old and married to a 30 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 22 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. And your wife's lover failed his exam but you've just given him an "A", which is neither legal, nor logical."
I didn’t think orthopedic shoes would help
But I stand corrected.
“You’re 1 joule per second, Harry!”
“I’m a Watt?”