Very well said
You know what really makes my day…
The rotation of the earth
Why was the cook late to Thanksgiving dinner?
He lost track of thyme…
As I sail away from the island of lollipops…
…never to return, tears well in my eyes as I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. "So long, suckers," I whisper through trembling lips.
I took a test to check whether or not I have kleptomania.
It wasn’t my test, but I took it anyway.
Why would T. Rex struggle to play the piano?
They’re extinct.
A native American shaman had an apprentice
One day the apprentice said to his mentor, "You take long trip. I try be shaman for summer." The shaman asked, "Why should I take trip?" The apprentice tried bribery. "If you take trip, I feed you belly full." The shaman agreed, so the apprentice gave his mentor a big meal, and the next day the shaman left on his long trip. But the apprentice turned out to be a terrible shaman. Within a week, the chief could not take it anymore, and left to search for the old shaman. He found him and begged, "Please come back to tribe." The shaman asked, "Why should I come back?" The chief tried bribery. "If you come back, I feed you belly full." The shaman agreed, so they both went back, and the chief gave the shaman a big meal. When the apprentice saw his mentor had returned, he asked, "Why back so soon?" The old shaman explained, "Full me once, shaman you. Full me twice, shaman me."
Success is like pregnancy.
Success is like pregnancy. Everybody congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you got fucked to achieve it.
What do you call a magical bra?
An abracadabra.
A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he’s allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. “Cold floors,” he says. They nod and send him away. Seven years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words.
He clears his throat and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says. "That's not surprising," the elders say. "You've done nothing but complain since you got here."
r/PoliticalHumor 2019 Best Of Awards!
It’s time for Reddit’s Best of 2019 Awards.What a year it’s been here in r/politicalhumor, thanks to everyone for participating.Make your nominations here and/or upvote your favorites.You are welcome to categorize your nominations, i.e:Best PostBest CommentBest of YearOnly one nomination per comment. Please do not nominate yourself. You may only nominate submissions made in 2019.This thread is set to contest mode which sorts comments randomly and hides vote scores. In January, the votes will be tallied and a results thread will be posted. We will give reddit gold to the top submissions!
My friend told me, “My girlfriend keeps asking me if I’m an Alice in Wonderland character, and it’s getting really annoying!”
“Are you mad at her?” I asked. He responded, “Geez! Don’t you start too!”
My friends asked me why I’ve mysteriously been hanging grapes outside to dry.
I told them, “I have my raisins.”
A Russian group I’m in keeps posting trash like this and reposting it 999 times
https://ift.tt/2xQdrxx
What do you call a snake that is 3.14 meters long
A pithon Happy pi day
I was so bored that I memorized six pages of a dictionary.
I learned next to nothing.
I woke up this morning and saw my neighbor slumped over his lawn mower, crying his eyes out.
He was growing through a rough patch.
This week I’m hosting a charity event for men who can’t ejaculate.
If you can’t come let me know.
A third-grade class is on a field trip to the museum when they come across a mummy exhibit. The display has a sign in front saying, “2982 BC.”
One of the kids asks his friend, “What do you suppose that means?” His friend thinks for a few seconds, then concludes, “It must be the license plate number of the car that hit him.”
My wife asked me if I’ve ever peed in the shower.
Me: Yes, twice, accidentally. Wife: How do you accidentally pee in the shower? Me: Well, sometimes I pee while I’m pooping.
A woman said to her husband “Why don’t you treat me like you did when we were first dating?”
So he took her to dinner and a movie, and dropped her off at her parent's house.
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?”
I said: "Of course I would. I'd miss you, but I'd still love you."
After years of hard work in the gym as a personal trainer I finally admitted I wasn’t strong enough and quit.
I just handed in my too weak notice.
Two Americans are touring Europe, and are scheduled to arrive in France Sunday afternoon.
Two Americans are touring Europe, and are scheduled to arrive in France Sunday afternoon. However, they arrived several hours early, and had little to do on Sunday morning while everything was closed. "Well," one says to the other, pointing to a nearby Cathedral, "why don't we attend Mass?" "Sure," replies his friend. "But we don't know how the French pray and we can't speak French!" The first guy thinks for a minute. "I have an idea. We'll pick a guy in front of us, and whatever he does, we'll do." His friend agrees. They enter the church, sit close to the front, and choose a guy. Fifteen minutes pass, and their plan is working well. Thirty minutes, no issues. By the time forty-five minutes pass, they've gotten used to the routine. Suddenly, while everyone is seated, the priest says something in French and the gentleman they chose stands up. Without thinking, the two Americans stand up as well. The church bursts into hard laughter. Realizing that no one else is standing up, the two Americans sit down quickly, before deciding to just leave in embarrassment. They wait for the Mass to end, and then approach the priest, who happened to speak English as part of his vocation. "We're really well-meaning people- we don't speak French and just chose some guy to imitate while praying," one says. The priest chuckles. "Ah. You're probably wondering why everyone laughed at you." "Yes," replied the other American. "Well, you see, I announced the Baptism of a child… and asked for the father of the child to stand up."
My moms response time for a slap in the face used to be 1ms
and it hertz alot.
I recently changed my alarm clock music to a Justin Bieber song.
Now I wake up 5 minutes earlier every day so that I don’t have to listen to it.
What do you call a boat made of penises and potatoes?
A dictatorship =3
I’d give my left bladder to be better in anatomy class.
No text found
I buy my guns from a guy that goes by “T-Rex”
He’s a small arms dealer
[OC] Why are hairdressers suicidal
They just want to dye. (My first oc please don’t hurt me)
“Okay Fred, Shaggy and Daphne, can you name an animal that lives in Africa and has a large horn on its face?” “Rhino!”
"We know you know the answer, Scooby, but it's not your turn."
Isaac Newton died a virgin.
That means I have one up on history's greatest scientific genius. Because I'm not dead.
My friend Dave drowned yesterday, we placed a life jacket on his coffin
It's what he would have wanted…
What do you call Hitler speeding?
The Fast and the Fuherous.
The Duck Hunter
A hunter is out in the country one day and waiting for ducks to fly by. After a while he sees a duck, points his gun and shoots it. The duck falls to the ground onto some farmland nearby. The hunter walks over the the farm and sees a farmer holding the dead duck. "Hey that's my duck!" says the hunter. The farmer replies, "Well, it fell onto my land, so it's my duck." "Well, I shot it, so it's my duck" says the hunter. The farmer says "How about we settle this country style?" "What's country style?" asks the hunter. "Well, first I kick you in the nuts, then you kick me in the nuts. And we keep on kicking each other in the nuts until one of us can't take it no more. Winner gets the duck." The hunter thinks about it for a bit and decides to go for it. So the farmer hauls his leg back and kicks the hunter square in the nuts. The hunter's eye bug out and he falls to the ground writhing in pain and clutching his swelling ballsack. After 10 minutes or so the hunter finally recovers and stands up. "Okay, it's my turn now" says the hunter. And the farmer says, "Nah, keep the duck."
