Viagra funny and good
My wife has an odd way of starting conversations…
She always starts by saying, “Hey, are you even listening?”
Overheard at Epcot:
In the Germany section of Epcot, the guy in front of me orders a beer. Cashier says "nine dollars please", guy: "woah, free beer"!
All Americans are immigrants … especially from an East Asian (Siberian) Bloodline
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Yesterday I paid a stranger to knock me unconscious, shove a foreign object up my ass and film the whole thing.
Or as my doctor insists on calling it, a colonoscopy
How long does a jousting match last?
Until knight fall.
Hope i’m not the only one that has experienced this
Hope i’m not the only one that has experienced this
Did you know autocorrect was invented by an atheist?
He's going to he'll.
So many people these days are too judgemental.
I can tell just by looking at them.
If three is company;
Four is an unpaid intern.
A guy in North Korea is walking home after his day at work . . .
. . . and he walks past a security checkpoint. One of the guards calls to him and says to stop, but he takes off running. The guard raises his rifle, takes aim, and shoots him dead in the street. The other guard stares at him. "What did you do that for?" he asks. "Curfew violation," the other guard says. "Curfew violation? Curfew isn't for another half hour!" "I know. That's my friend. I know where he lives. He never would have made it."
A man walks into a saloon
…he takes off his hat and throws it in an arc. Six men lose their hats. Everyone is impressed, they yell out: "Wow! What's your name?" "They call me Hat-Bill." Another man walks in, grabs his gun and fires off six rounds. Six men lose their hats. The crowd yells out: "Wow! What's your name?" "They call me Gun-Bill." A third man walks in. He has six arms. In a flash, he grabs the hats off the heads of six men. Everyone is speechless. Finally, one guy yells: "Wow! What's your name?" "They call me… …Chernobyl."
My neighbor owes me $500 but won’t pay.
Lawyer: Do you have proof? Me: No L: Send him a bill for the $5000 he owes you. M: But it's only $500. L: Exactly, he will respond saying just that. And you will have proof.
Without coins, the US currency would be utter non-cents
No text found
My father has schizophrenia…
…but he’s good people…
Why didn’t Barbie get pregnant?
Ken came in another box
If a midget smokes weed…
does he get high or medium?
When does it start to rain money?
When there is change in the weather.
A doctor, a priest and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. Engineer: What’s with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes
Doctor: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude! Priest: Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him. Priest: Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they? George: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight while saving our club house last year. So we let them play here anytime free of charge! (silence) Priest: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight. Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them. Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?
Last night i used Vaseline with my wife and came 10 times
Once with her and 9 in the shower trying to wash it off
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants. Bartender asks him what’s with the steering wheel? He replies…
"Arghhh, I don't know but it's been drivin' me nuts all day"
My doctor friend is addicted to hitting his patients on their knees to check their reflexes.
He really gets a kick out of it.
some guys told me this isn’t boomer humor.. wife ugly but she put big things in mouth hehe
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Why was Abraham Lincoln never put in jail?
Because he was in a cent. I know it’s stupid but c’mon
I WRITE ALL MY PUNS IN CAPITALS
THIS ONE WAS WRITTEN IN OSLO!
If I poured root beer into a square glass,
would I just have beer?
I heard this guy whispering a lot of Pokemon jokes to his friend…
…but I couldn't catch them all.
I left $100 in my suit jacket at the dry cleaners.
Unfortunately when I went to get it back, they were shut down for money laundering.
I was watching rc plane crashes the other day
They’re better than regular plane crashes, because there’s no loss of life. If you’re flying an rc plane, you never had a life to begin with.
The wife and I decided we don’t want children.
We're telling them tomorrow.
My dad asked me why there was a lion and a witch in my wardrobe
I said its Narnia buisness
I’m friends with 25 letters of the alphabet.
I don't know y.
I keep hearing people say these SoCal earthquakes are being caused by the heat or as punishment for how we have been acting. I think they are wrong.
It is actually the San Andreas's fault.
What does a robot do after sex?
Nuts and bolts
What do you call a good swimming pun?
A stroke of genius
Your penis so small….
That when you put it in a girl her immune system tries to fight it.
I just bought a border collie.
The one I already had wasn't bored enough.
What happens when someone steals uranium?
It becomes theiranium.
Why did the T-Rex only sell handguns
Because he is a small arms dealer
My 11yo daughter just made up a joke. What do politicians thing of themselves?
That they're politicool… Im biased but i think its genius
What did Batman tell Robin before he got in the car?
Get in the car
My new washing machine on their website got me thinking
My new washing machine on their website got me thinking