ViDeO GaMes CaUsE ViOlEnCe
Just saw a guy running down the road with a cape on, so I shouted, “Hey! Are you a superhero!?”
He yelled back, "Nah, I didn't pay for my haircut!"
My boss told me as a security guard its my job to watch the office.
I am on season 6 so far, but not sure what it has got to do with security.
Oh no… I copied the wrong document…
… it was an original mistake.
A man is lost in a hot air balloon
He sees a field below and descends to shout: "Hey can you tell me where I am? I'm trying to get to a friend whom I said I would meet in 30 minutes." The man in the field says: "Yes, you are in a red hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above the ground, in the middle of this field" "Ah, you must be an engineer", replies the balloonist "I am indeed, but how did you know?", asks the man. "Well", says the balloonist, "everything you've said is technically right, but is of no use to anyone" To this, the man replies: "Any you must work in management" The balloonist confirms this, but asks how the man knew. "Well", replies the man, "You don't know where you are, how to get where you're heading, made a promise you can't keep. You expect me to be able to help, but after all this time, we're in the exact same position we were before, but now it's my fault"
What do you call smart person in America?
A tourist.
What do you call a zombie who writes his own music?
A decomposer.
How do you cut the ocean in half?
With a sea saw
Just got offered a job as a Waiter
It's probably because I can bring a lot to the table.
I crafted a tiny cover for my pet bird’s chair.
It's a crow chez crochet.
Why Jesus and the 3.5″ floppy are the same?
They both died to become the icon of saving.
I’ve been searching for my stolen bed
and I won't rest until I find it.
How to get rich
A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money. The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents. The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37. Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."
A good romance starts with a foundation of trust and respect.
A bad romance starts with a rah rah rah-ah-ah, roma roma-ma gaga ooh la la.
Call a girl beautiful 1000 times and she won’t notice.
Call her fat once and she will never forget. That’s because elephants never forget.
Did you hear about the photographer who went to jail,
I heard that he was framed.
My friend Dave drowned yesterday, we placed a life jacket on his coffin
It's what he would have wanted…
When nurses and doctors are having to reuse ppe but fascism is more important
https://ift.tt/2A9kuSX
I tell my secrets to all my herbs, except for thyme.
Because only thyme will tell.
I’m going to miss Stan Lee
He was a marvel
I’m so straight, I don’t touch myself when I jerk off.
My buddy Brian does it for me.
When a girl changes her clothes in front of you, she’s either really interested or you’re level 99 friend-zoned
Or she hasn't spotted you in the tree yet
Did you know that fully grown deer don’t like melted cheese?
But their fawn do
A woman goes into a restaurant with 15 kids.
The kids start goofing around while she's talking to the waitress. The mom gets impatient and yells, "Eddy! Stop that! Or else!" All 15 boys suddenly sit down, obedient and quiet. The waitress asks, "Did you really name all 15 of your boys Eddy?" "Yup," says the woman. "Makes it easier than trying to remember who's who every damn time." "But what if you only want to talk to one of them for some reason?" the waitress asks. "Well, then I just call them by their last names."
How did 10 die ?
It was in the middle of 9/11.
What did one plate say to the other plate?
Dinner is on me!