Video Home Security Bad
I asked a chef if he ever served a steak raw..
He said yeah but it’s rare.
I asked my wife to rate my listening skills and she said, “You’re an 8 on a scale of 10.”
I still don’t get why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton…
Never marry a tennis player…
Love means nothing to them!
The guy who invented throat lozenges died last week.
There was no coffin at the funeral.
In Alabama, there is no Reverse Cowgirl
You don't turn your back on family
Life is like a dick
Some times its up, sometimes its down, but it wont be hard forever. Too bad life is short.
I Couldn’t Figure Out How The Seatbelt Worked.
Then it just clicked.
A man sits next to another man on the train and pulls out a photo of his wife “isn’t she beautiful?”
Other man: “If you think she’s beautiful you should see my wife” First man: “Why? Is she a stunner?” Other man: “No, she’s an ophthalmologist”
There was a 6 fingered man that everyone kept calling Tommy. Why?
Because that's his name.
The Lord said unto John, “Come forth and receive eternal life.”
But alas John came fifth, so he won the toaster.
I’ve just bought the personalized number plate BAA BAA…
For my black jeep…
What do you call the testicles of a peacock?
His peanuts
My wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with wearing different clothes every half an hour…
I said, “Wait, I can change!”
My girlfriend dumped me so I stole her wheelchair
Guess who came crawling back
My 4-year-old nephew has been learning Spanish since lockdown.
He can’t say ‘please’ which I think is poor for four
My son asked “daddy, did you pick your nose when you were young?”
“no, son, I was born with it.”
How to fall down the stairs
Step 1 Step 2 Step 3 Step 6 Step 12 Step 24
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot.
I found an alien masturbating in my freezer last night. I asked him what on earth he was doing in there.
He said, “I cum in peas.”
Why couldn’t the toilet paper walk down the sidewalk?
It got stuck in the cracks. (Made up by my 10 year old.)
I think my daughter has a crush on our pastor.
She talks about him religiously.
My dad asked me why there was a lion and a witch in my wardrobe
I said its Narnia buisness
I wanted to write a movie script about a retired CIA agent who has to rely on his old skills to save his kidnapped daughter, but that idea was taken.
So I thought instead I'd write a script about a retired CIA operative who is taken hostage along with his wife in Instanbul, but that idea was taken, too.
Relationships are a lot like algebra.
Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
Where does a poor italian live?
In Spaghetto
SCUBA is an acronym for Self Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus. What you may not know is that Tuba is also an acronym…
For Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
What did Sean Connery say when he saw a horse and buggy on the road?
Shomething sheemsh Amish
The first day of school, I signed up for English, Math, Science, and Geography.
The rest, as they say, is History.
Wanna hear a joke about coronavirus?
Never mind, you probably won't get it.
I would do anything…
To stop starting sentences in Meat Loaf's voice.
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick
Seriously, how low can you go?
While blending home cooked baby food for my 5 month old this morning I turned to my wife and said,
“I’ve done it! I’ve accomplished whirled peas!”
How do you spell Panda?
In order to spell Panda, all you need is p and a.
How do farmers party?
They turnip the beets