[VIDEO] [PARODY] When you Push Directly to Master
3 years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf
I haven’t heard from him since
lets put a smile on that face
A pirate walks into a bar.
His pants are open in the front, and there’s a steering wheel inside them. The bartender looks at him. “Why do you have a steering wheel in your pants?” “Arrrrgh,” replies the pirate. “It’s drivin’ me nuts.”
Its getting ridiculous
God: *creates worm* Hey there little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome God: creates birds
My dad is addicted to ladders
He uses them to get high.
Sex is like math
You add the bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs and pray you don't multiply
I’ve decided to sell my roomba,
It was just collecting dust anyway.
Let me show you how
A schoolteacher explains to her class that she is a football fan.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they too, are football fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, "Mary, why didn't you raise your hand? "Because I'm not a football fan, " she replied. The teacher, still shocked, asked, "Well if you are not a football fan, what sport are you a fan of? "I am a basketball fan and proud of it, " Mary replied. The teacher could not believe her ears. "Mary, why are you a basketball fan? " "Because my mum is a basketball fan, and my dad is a basketball fan, so I'm a basketball fan too!" "Well, " said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, "that is no reason for you to be a basketball fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then? Mary smiled, and said…………… "then I'd be a football fan."
When crem doesn’t work…
Only the best quotes
Why didn’t the cannibal eat the guy with no legs?
He was lacktoes intolerant.
A guest calls the waiter and complains, “How come there are no chairs at our table?!”
The waiter shrugs, “I’m sorry but you only booked one table…”
Covid pros and cons
To the individual who stole my glasses…
I will find you. I have contacts.
Cos he’s tired of tweeting and watching Fox News all week, poor him!
Your Girlfriend Is Pregnant !
Guy: But doctor that can't be right. We use condoms everytime we have sex. Doctor: Well, the test result would suggest otherwise. Maybe the condom broke? Guy: No I'm sure it didn't. Doctor: Alright then. Let me tell you a story. A guy was wandering in the forest where he encountered a tiger. The tiger looked really ferocious and the guy knew that he was doomed. Cornered, the guy then points his umbrella's tip at the tiger and shouts Bang at the tiger. The tiger died. Guy: That can't be right. Someone else must have shot the tiger. Doctor: Exactly.
A restaurant served me soggy spaghetti
So I put in a re-straining order.
(At parole hearing) Officer: Why should we release you?
Man: I th.. Officer: Yes? Man: The reas.. Officer: Go on. Man: May I please finish my sentence? Officer: Sure. Parole denied.
Imagine… Just imagine…
Science is way better.
My friend said “What rhymes with orange.”
I said no it doesn't.
What do you get when you insert human DNA into a goat?
A lifetime ban from the petting zoo.
There are 10 types of people in this world.
Those that understand binary, and those who don't.
The Mythical Man-Month
BREAKING NEWS!! .. Man hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his ass
Doctors describe his condition as stable
Whats the worst thing about breaking up with a Japanese girl
You have to drop the bomb twice before she finally gets it
I saw an advert that read “Radio for sale, $1.00, volume stuck of full”
I thought, "I can't turn that down"
Let’s interview some rocks
Comedian doing crowd work gets an answer he wasn’t ready for and handles it perfectly
So, my twin brother just called me from prison.
He said, "So you know how we tend to finish each others' sentences?"
I’m really pleased that our band has just signed a Jamaican triangle player.
Now every little ting is gonna be all right!
How can you tell if an ant is male or female?
Throw it in water. If it sinks, its a girl ant, otherwise its buoyant
*pulls candy bar out of thin air*
Kid: WOW are you a magician? Me: no, but I have a couple of twix up my sleeve
That self clap is magic
Forget everything you learned in college…
You won't need it working here.' 'But I never went to college.' 'Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here.'
I thought it was a booger
But it snot.
Today’s cartoon in Norwegian newspaper VG
It haunts me
There no errors if there’s no code
Some things never change
Sunday: Greg. Monday: Ian. Tuesday: Greg. Wednesday: Ian. Thursday: Greg. Friday: Ian. Saturday: Greg
So this is how the Gregorian calendar was created.
Free! Free! Free!
How did the hipster burn his tongue?
He sipped his coffee before it was cool
I told my kids that due to the quarantine…
I’ll only be telling inside jokes.
Sometimes my code is like…
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor for help. The monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervious I take a sip.”
So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass he found the following note on his door: Sip the Vodka, don't gulp. There are 10 commandments, not 12. There are 12 disciples, not 10. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and the Spook. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T! When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me." The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry". The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God" Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's. Don't refer to Jesus and the 12 disciples J.C. and the boys.
Someone Got Their Diaper in a Wad Over This
I like you, in a plutonic way.
"Don't you mean 'platonic'?" No, plutonium, like radioactive exposure, the longer I'm with you the more I feel like dying.
For real though
r/jokes Has 18 Million subscribers!
It's amazing what 7 jokes can do
What’s the difference between an untrained sniper and a constipated owl?
One shoots but never hits, the other hoots but never shits.
Found this one in the local paper and translated it
So an honest lawyer, a hard working politician and Santa are walking and they find a 100€ note on the ground. Who is going to pick it up? Santa because the first two don't exist.
I just won an award for most secretive person in the office
I can't tell you how much it means to me
The only thing that Flat-Earthers fear.
Is sphere itself.
Reviewing inMail messages from recruiters
“It’s going to disappear. One day, it’s like a miracle, it will disappear”
What do you add to make a car go faster?
No text found
Why doesn’t electricity like History class?
Because it’s only interested in current events.
A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase
He asks, “What are you doing?” She replies, “I’m off to New York. I read that prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free.” Later, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase. “Where are you going?” she asks. “I’m coming with you. I want to see how you live on $800 a year.”
Why was Pavlov’s hair so soft?
Because he conditioned it.
I switched pens in Kyle’s Gouache set [OC]