Vin had it right
“You the bomb.” “No, you the bomb.”
A compliment in America. An argument in the Middle East.
My wife just accused me of having zero empathy.
I just donāt understand why she feels that way.
My friend is getting rich by taking pictures of salmon dressed in human clothes.
Itās like shooting fish in apparel.
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him, A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
I haven’t worked in over a year.
Don't tell my boss I said that.
A man walks into a restaurant and notices Lobster tales for a cent on the menu.
He asks the waiter: "Why they are available so cheap? What's wrong with them?" Waiter says, "Nothing, actually they've been bought here just today." So the man orders some. The waiter returns with a book, sits down and says, "Once upon a time, there was a big red lobster…"
Hunter…
Two hunters fly to Kenya, where they bag six gazelles. As the crew is loading the small plane to return, the pilot says the aircraft can take only four gazelles back. āLast time, the pilot let us take all six, and he had the same plane as yours,ā argues the first hunter. Reluctantly, the pilot gives in and takes off. But the little plane is too heavy, and it goes down. Climbing out of the wreckage, the second hunter turns to the other. āAny idea where we are?ā The first replies, āIād say weāre pretty close to where we crashed last time.ā Edit: omg thank you guys so much for the 50 upvotes, never had this before! ReEdit: OMFG you guys are so awesome, 100 upvotes i can'belive it. Thank you sooooo much!
Why are the stakes so high?
Because the cows ate a lot of grass.
Did you hear the one about the giant throwing up?
Itās all over town.
A husband and wife love to play golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons.
The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, āNo, no, no, youāre gripping the club way too hard!ā āWell, what should I do?ā asks the man. āHold the club gently,ā the pro replied, ājust like youād hold your wifeās breasts.ā The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and WOW! He hits the ball 250 yards, straight up the fairway. The man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife canāt wait for her lesson.The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says, āNo, no, no, youāre gripping the club way too hard.ā āWhat can I do?ā asks the wife. āHold the club gently, just like youād hold your husbandās thing.ā The wife listens carefully to the proās advice, takes a swing, and THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway . . . about 15 ft. āThat was great,ā the pro says. āNow, take the club out of your mouth and swing the club like youāre supposed to!ā
I asked my atheist friend how he celebrates Christmas without believing in Jesus
He asked me how I celebrate Valentine's day when no on likes me
Help, Someone from Russia is trying to hack my phone
Edit: sorry, I not hacked. Mother Russia do no such thing. Have good day comrades.
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight…
There would be mass confusion.
Why donāt people get up early in Athens?
Because Dawn is tough on Greece. š
I was thinking they should change the name of the wishbone to the Napoleon.
Because you pull the Bonaparte.
A man is at his wifeās funeral
and a woman asks him if she can say a word. He says okay and she stands up, saying āPlethoraā. The man replies, āThanks, that means a lotā.
The word ādiputseromneveā may look ridiculousā¦
…but backwards, itās even more stupidā¦
Why do ghosts get so many DUIs
Cuz they're full of BOOS
What do orcs want above anything else?
More doors.
All my friends jokingly said that this girl I have a date with is imaginary.
Well, the joke is on them. Because so are they
KID: “Dad, make me a sandwich!”
DAD: "Poof, youāre a sandwich!ā
What do you say to your sister when shes crying?
Are you having a crisis?
My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class wank him off.
I said ā son, thatās 3 schools this year… maybe teaching isnāt for you.ā
I had to get rid of my old ladder today
We had our ups and downs but I'll still miss it
Why haven’t Aliens visited our Solar System yet? …
They looked at the reviews… Only 1 star.
My friend in Germany says that there has been panic buying of sausages and cheese . . .
It's the Wurst KƤse scenario Credit: Twitter, Bruce Lawson (@brucel)
Who would win in a fight. Athletes or Prisoners?
It's hard to say, they have their pros and their cons.
Religion is like a penis.
It's fine to have one and it's fine to be proud of it, but please don't whip it out in public and start waving it around… and PLEASE don't try to shove it down my child's throat.