Violence is not the answer
What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?
Frankly, I don't know, and I don't care.
Man walks into a barber shop: “Can you shape my afro like a sphere?”
Sorry, we don’t do that round hair.
What do turkeys like to eat on Thanksgiving?
Nothing, they're already stuffed…
I’ve been asked to name and shame all those horrible people that have been mocking me for wearing mittens…
…but I’m not going to point fingers.
Three drunk guys walk into a brothel…
The madam sees them and tells the girls, “just use blow-up sex dolls, they are so wasted they won’t know the difference”. So the three guys find themselves in their rooms with a girl, so the deed, and walk out. The first guy says, “those girls were odd”. The second says, “yeah, I wonder if they were dead, cause no matter what I did, she didn’t move.” The third guy says, “no way, I think they were witches!” Both other guys stopped at this, shocked, and ask, “what? Why do you think they were witches?” The third guy replies, “because when I bit her ass, she farted on my face, and flew out of the window…”
Why did the sitcom about airplanes never take off?
it had a bad pilot
A Scotsman, Englishman and an Irishman were drinking at a bar
"As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow , there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink." "Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London , the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two." "Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in my favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!" The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman swore every word was true. "Did this actually happen to you?" "Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times … "
What do you call breasts that have both magnitude and direction?
Vector quantitties
I occasionally enjoy leaning on things.
When I'm so inclined.
I tried to steal candy from a newborn baby.
He slapped my hand away. Turns out he wasn't born yesterday.
Was walking down the street yesterday, seen an ad in the shop window. “T.V FOR SALE, €1, VOLUME STUCK ON FULL”
I said, can't turn that down.
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high.
She seemed surprised…
When I was ten my Mom told me to take my brother to a movie so she could set up for his surprise birthday party
That’s when I realized he was the favorite twin, not me.
I sprayed some deodorant in my mouth.
Now, when I talk, I have this weird Axe-scent
9 months isn’t really that long
It only feels like a maternity
A flat-chested young lady goes to Dr. Smith…
…for advice about enlarging her breasts. He tells her, "Every day when you get out of the shower, rub the tip of your breasts and say, "Scooby dooby doobies. I want bigger boobies." She did this every day faithfully and after several months, it worked! She grew great boobs! One morning she was running late and she was on the bus when she realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. At this point she loved her new boobs and didn't want to lose them, so right in the middle of the bus–"Scooby dooby doobies. I want bigger boobies." A guy sitting nearby asked her, "Do you go to Dr. Smith by any chance?" "Why, yes, I do. How did you know?" "Hickory dickory dock."
Why is “the mall” called “the mall?”
Because you don't just shop at one store, you shop at THEM-ALL
True fact: Before the crowbar was invented….
….most crows drank at home.
Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer.
They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering. Finally God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job." So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent e-mail. They sent out e-mail with attachments. They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job. But ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured and, of course, the electricity went off. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!" Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours. Satan observed this and became irate. "Wait! He cheated, how did he do it?" God shrugged and said, "Jesus saves."
How do you stop an anti-vaxer from drowning?
Take your foot off his head. ** Edit: Some people PM'd me to tell me they found this offensive. I reread it and I agree. Here is the updated version of the joke: Q. How do you stop an anti-vaxer from drowning? A. Take your foot off his or her head. Again, I apologize to any feminists out there for my originally posted version.
Our front door was locked, so I tried to force it open.
My wife said, “You are not a Jedi, just use the goddamn key.”
Everything’s great in your digestive system
Until it hits your stomach then it all turns to shit
I was in a very busy Whole Foods and saw this beautiful young woman shopping.
I asked her, "I can't seem to find my wife, can I talk to you?" "Sure, but how can that help?" "Once she sees me talking to you, I'll bet you anything she'll appear out of fucking nowhere."
I own the chewed pencil that Shakespeare used to write his famous works.
He used to chew on it so much that I can’t tell whether it’s 2B or not 2B.
What’s the difference between your life and a pencil?
The Pencil has a point.
A tattoo parlour in my neighborhood is offering a free tattoo to anyone who would flash their boobs.
It’s their Tit for Tat special.
Why do girls have nipples?
Because without them their tits would be pointless.
#851: Three guys got into a car crash and all died.
They all get up to heaven and meet St. Peter at the gates. St. Peter said "Okay everyone can come in, but whatever you do don't step on a duck." The gates open and there are ducks everywhere, all over the floor, on tabletops, everywhere. The first guy walks in and accidentally steps on a duck. St. Peter comes along and handcuffs him to the ugliest woman in all the world and says, "Now you must stay handcuffed for all eternity." The other two see this and do their best to avoid the ducks. The second guy goes months and months without stepping on any duck. Then one morning he wakes up and as he is getting out of bed he steps on two ducks. St. Peter comes over and handcuffs him to the most atrocious looking and smelling woman and says, "Now you must stay handcuffed to each other for all eternity." Now the third guy goes years and years and doesn't step on any ducks in all that time. Then one day St. Peter comes along and handcuffs him to the most beautiful woman he as ever seen. St. Peter says, "Now you must stay handcuffed to each other for all eternity." The guy happily says, "Oh my God, what have I done to deserve this?!" And the woman says, "I don't know what you did, but I stepped on a duck."
What do you call an angry nut?
A pissed-achio
My Dad made me watch a 20 minute video of why you should wear a condom during sex.
Oddly it was just a 20min slide show with pictures of me…
Dad: We need to go out
ME: Where are we going? Dad: To pick up our glasses from the optometrist. ME: Than What? Dad: We'll see..
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They’ll just shoot the room for being black
Old Turkish joke
One day Temel, the truck driver, while driving down a hill realizes that his brakes are not working. The truck is going faster and faster, until he reaches an intersection. Temel looks around. On his right, there is a child; on his left, there is a bazaar with more than 100 people. As a “clever” man, Temel chooses to drive towards the child instead of the bazaar. However, the next day, newspaper headlines read “TEMEL DROVE HIS TRUCK INTO THE BAZAAR, 40 KILLED, 35 INJURED”. They ask Temel: “How come you commit such an act?” Temel answers: “Everything happened when the child started to run towards the bazaar”.
Whats the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted.
My wife and I bought a water bed recently but ever since then…
…we’ve drifted apart.
Dad joke: So I saw this dude walking around with a long pole. I asked him, “Are you a pole vaulter”?
He said "Nein, I am ze German… but tell me, but how did you know my name ist Walter?"/
What’s the longest word in the dictionary?
Smiles. Because there’s a mile between the two S’s.
After a long time, I told my hot coworker how I felt. Turns out she felt the same way.
So I turned on the air conditioning.
We should have known communism wouldn’t work
There were so many red flags.
What do we want! Low flying aircraft noises!
When do we want them! Nooooooooooowwwwwwwwww
I just got fired from my job as a taxi driver…
Turns out people don’t like it when you go the extra mile for them.