virgin TCP vs chad UDP
I lent a girl an umbrella yesterday
Which takes the total number of girls I've made wet this year to -1.
What Fish work in hospitals?
Sturgeons.
Mod Applications
We’ve been talking about mod apps for years now, but it’s never actually materialized.Well, here’s the Google FormAfter a week or so we will look through all of the responses and stalk profiles do research and see who the best candidates are.
My girlfriend broke up with me so I stole her wheelchair…
Guess who came crawling back
I asked a German girl for her number and I’m still waiting for the rest of the numbers
So far all I have is 9.
Why don’t blind people like to go skydiving?
It scares the dog.
How do you spot a blind man on a nude beach?
It’s not hard
Have I discovered the only boomer comic that doesn’t shame millennials/zoomers?
https://ift.tt/2u1Pst7
My wife bought a new bra, it’s really hard to unhook.
I don't know why I put it on in the first place.
I once swallowed a dictionary
It gave me thesaurus throat I've ever had.
My wife tapped me on the shoulder and complained that Susan was keeping her awake.
"Who the fuck is Susan?" I asked. She said, "You tell me. You were the one sleep talking."
I once won a fight that was five against one.
We really kicked the shit out of that guy.
Why couldn’t the sailor play cards?
Because the captain was standing on the deck
Here’s a magic joke for you: A magician was driving down a street.
Then he turned into a driveway.
A man and his wife checked into a hotel.
An hour after checking in, the man calls the front desk. Man- "My wife and I had a fight and she is going to jump out the window." Help desk- " It's your personal matter and we cant help in this situation. " Man- " Personal matter my ass the window doesn't open."
Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?”
I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.
“A cannibal once took my sister to see a Russell Crowe film”
"Gladiator?" "No, I really miss her"
How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They will never allow change, even if it makes the world a brighter place.
Congratulations are in order
aacgilnnoorsttu
My wife divorced me because I accidentally put it in the wrong hole
Fair enough it was her sister's but still…
A young woman was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback soon came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.
She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would shout out a wild "Ye-e-e-e-e-ha-a-a-" so loud that it echoed off the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, she expressed her thanks, and he yelled a final "Ye-e-e-e-e-ha-a-a!" and rode off. "Why was that Indian so excited?" asked the service station attendant. "I don't know. I just rode behind him on the horse with my arms around his waist and holding onto the saddle horn so that I wouldn't fall off," the woman answered. "Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles."
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise
He removed the Mariah Carey Christmas CD, and now it’s fine.
Dad jokes are the best
Wife: I have to tell you something. I'm pregnant. Husband: Hi Pregnant, I'm Dad Wife: No you're not.
Sometimes I talk to myself for no reason.
Yeah me too.
After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling.
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable – an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured. Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched – with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do that?""Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays I fish."
Why is the KKK against triathlons?
They don't believe in the mixing of races.
![Philanthropy [oc]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/02/xhvc0kl30ke41-400x503.jpg)
So I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage….
I asked the zoo keeper why there was a baguette in a cage and he said it was bread in captivity!
A man rushes into the doctors’ office and screams, “Doctor, Doctor! I swallowed one of those ‘do not eat’ packets in a bag of pepperoni! Am I going to die?” The doctor tries to relax him by saying, “Well, everyone is going to die eventually.”
The man shrieks and responds, "Everyone?! Oh lord, what have I done?"
![Private healthcare ad [OC]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/12/FKWBfuk-400x400.jpg)
RIP boiling water. You will be mist :(
No text found
My friends claim I’m the cheapest person they ever met
I'm not buying it
The supermarket cashier asked if I wanted to donate food to Africa to help solve world hunger.
I said, "no thanks. World hunger will be solved a lot faster if we stop feeding them."
Judge: I order you to pay $10,000
Mario: why? Judge: it's a fine Mario: [sadly] no itsa not
I was suspicious or my girlffriend cheating on me with this guy from her gym. So i pick up her phone at night when she’s sleeping ..
…and drive to this dude's place on the other side of the town and go to stand on his porch to see if the wifi connects
Did you hear about the new type of broom?
It's sweeping the nation
