Virginity is cool
Johnnie didn’t know what else to do to have sex with his wife…
… every time he tried, she would make him feel like a perv and would lecture him about going to church to get rid of those dirty thoughts. They lived in a small town and after work, Johnnie was a regular at a bar. Each night, everybody would make a toast and people would vote for the best toast. One night, Johnnie made a special toast: "I toast to spending the rest of my nights between my wife's legs!" So he won the best toast of the night for the first time. He arrived home buzzed and overly excited thinking this was the night they would finally have sex. "Mary, I won the best toast of the night!" "Really, what did you toast for?" But Johnnie was suddenly scared of making things worse: "Well… I toasted to spending all my days in church!" So the next day, Johnnie and Mary are walking in town and one of Johnnie's friends approaches the couple with a naughty smile. "Mary… did you know Johnnie won the best toast last night?" Johnnie freezes and Mary replies: "Yes, but that's odd… every time I tell him to do it he refuses. If we ever do it, he falls asleep halfway through. And last weekend I had to grab him by his ears, and still, he didn't come!"
If you were anti-pencil, would you be eracist?
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I can cut a log in half just by looking at it
It's not impossible, I saw it with my own two eyes.
What do gender identities and the twin towers have in common?
… There used to be two of them, and now everyone is REAL SENSITIVE about it
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It’s an extremely rare dish order.
It takes balls to be a semen donor
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If you’re reading this, you’ve been in a coma for 10 years
We’re trying a new technique. We don’t know where this message will end up in your dream, but we’re hoping we got through PLEASE WAKE UP
I know a lot of jokes about unemployed people.
But none of them work.
When I was young, I used to think earwigs actually lived in your ears
so you can imagine how terrified I was of cockroaches.
What do you call a bee who never brags?
A humble bee
I´ve just downloaded the Queen movie, Bohemian Rhapsody!
I think it was filmed in a cinema though, as I see a little silhouetto of a man.
“Darling, I have to tell you something”
A husband says to his wife: "Darling, I have to tell you something" Wife replies: "What?" Husband: "I don't know how to say this" Wife: "What?" Husband: "I don't even know if I should tell you" Wife: "What?" Husband: "You're completely deaf" Wife: "What?"
Master Po, why is kung fu so hard?
Grasshopper, have you seen the peace of the sunrise through the morning mists? –Yes, Master Po, I have seen this. Grasshopper, have you seen the patience of the crane as it stands still in the pond until a fish swims by? –Yes, Master Po, I have seen this. Grasshopper, have you seen the rushing water tumbling over the stones, and how the stones rest undisturbed despite the water? –Yes, Master Po, I have seen this. Grasshopper, have you seen the majesty of the full moon in the deep silence of the night? –Yes, Master Po, I have seen this. …Grasshopper? –Yes, Master Po. You should spend more time training and less time watching stupid shit!
A math teacher was arrested today
In his home was a protractor, a calculator, and ruler. He was arrested for carrying weapons of math instruction.
me: i lost my gun
friend: aw shoot me: i cant
Why do French tanks have rear view mirrors?
So they can see the front lines
My family just celebrated the 200th anniversary of owning a buffalo farm!
Yep. It's our bison-tennial.
I was thinking they should change the name of the wishbone to the Napoleon.
Because you pull the Bonaparte.
My wife gets me.
https://imgur.com/7qGI8AL
A child’s laughter is the best thing you can hear.
Unless it's 3 am in your house and you don't have children.
What did Yogi Bear’s sidekick call his injury?
A "Booboo!"
I broke 2 fingers on my right hand today
On the other hand everything is OK. Happy Fathers Day everybody
A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital. He wakes up as he’s being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses. “Am I in heaven?” asks the disoriented priest.
"No" says one of the nurses. "We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward".
I skipped the gym today.
The elevator in my building wasn't working.
What does COVID and riding a motorcycle have in common?
You can do everything right but other people can still fuck you over.
A bear walks in to a bar
"I'd like a whisky and……………coke" Bartender "why the big pause?" Bear "i don't know, i was born with'em"
