# Vote for Axe in 2020!

## Conjunctivitis.com

Now that’s a site for sore eyes

## I work in a kitchen in a local restaurant, today I tried to start a food-fight with the other chef…

I threw some spaghetti her way, but it went right pasta.

## If Hooters started delivering

Would they change their name to knockers?

## It was very difficult to switch off my mother-in-law’s life support system.

I had to fight my wife and two doctors to do it.

## I’m flying to India to try their famous sandwiches.

Everyone keeps raving about their new deli…

## What do you call a man with no body and no nose?

Nobody knows

## What did one plate say to the other?

Lunch is on me

## I won’t vaccinate my children

I will have the doctor do it.

## A police officer caught two kids playing with a firework and a car battery.

He charged one and let the other one off.

## I am on day 9 of quarantine and was wondering if anyone had any porn sites they’d like to recommend other than:

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r/pornvids r/nsfw_videos Meet People r/dirtysnapchat Other NSFW r/randomactsofblowjob r/NSFWFunny r/pornhubcomments r/confusedboners r/dirtykikpals r/nsfw_wtf r/randomactsofmuffdive r/stupidslutsclub r/sluttyconfessions r/sextrophies Armpits cause people like that r/armpits r/celebrityarmpits r/armpitfetish I don’t even know where the fuck this would go section r/dragonsfuckingcars r/SCPORN r/fedlegs r/cummingonfigurines r/dragonbutts r/dragonpussy r/dragonpenis These have gotten boring 😔 Any help is much appreciated. Thanks.

## The mob may be the mother of tyrants, but Judas also claimed to be a brother to Jesus.

https://ift.tt/3drAqOT

## Im from colombia and if i got a dollar everytime someone asked me if i sell cocaine.

I would not have to sell cocaine anymore.

## myspacebarhasarestrainingorderagainstme

nowicanonlygotofacebookbar

## My landlord wanted to talk to me about how high my heating bills are.

I said, “Sure. My door is always open.”

## Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?

Because they lactose.

## Did you hear about the semicolon that broke the law?

He was given two consecutive sentences

## Went to donate blood today…awful experience, never again….

Question after question…"who's blood is it?"….."where did you get it?"….."why is it in a bucket?

## I don’t often tell Dad jokes

But when I do, he usually laughs.

## My Uncle Harry died after drinking a bottle of furniture polish

It was a sad end, but a beautiful finish!

## I just got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows and nuts

I won't lie, it was a Rocky Road.

## My cousin posted two jokes on this sub, but the mods deleted both of them.

He is my cousin, twice [removed]

## A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out.

Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, “I don’t want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?” “The instructor said, “During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark.” After a pause, the instructor added, “I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I’ve never seen done in my entire career.”

## I haven’t had sex in so long

sometimes I go for a run in flip flops to remember what it sounds like.

## I want to tell a joke about Nearly-Headless Nick.

But I'm afraid I won't execute it properly.

## I just had a physical, the doctor said “don’t eat anything fatty”

I said “like bacon and burgers?” He said “no fatty, don’t eat anything!”

## Why did the bike stop moving?

Because it was two-tired

## A while back, my father told me an awful dad joke.

He said he'd be right back

## Two police officers slammed their fists on my door.

"We've come to inspect your house for drugs!" they shouted. I said, "Fuck off. Get your own."

## What type of practice is Dr. Pepper?

A fizzician…