Vote for whoever you want- but don’t say it will definitively work out this time.
They're going to start calling him Kim Jong Un-Responsive
other than that, prison wasn’t too bad.
IT WAS SIR EEL
A man is driving down a country road when he loses control of his car and ends up in a ditch. He gets out of the car and knocks on a farmhouse door for help. He explains his situation to the farmer. The farmer gets his horse and they walk to the crash scene. The farmer then uses rope to tie the horse to the car"Pull, Zoomer, pull" the farmer shouts, but the horse doesn't move."Pull, Radar, pull" the farmer yells again, but again, the horse stands still"Pull, Dasher, pull" yells the farmer, but the horse stands like a rock."Pull, Dusty, pull" shouts the farmer, and the horse finally gets the car out with minimal effort.The driver is dumbfounded so he asks the farmer, "why do you call your horse different names?""You see," the farmer replies, "Dusty is blind. If he knew he was working by himself, he wouldn't have pulled."
I told The the judge. “All my wife does every night is go out bar after bar” “What is she doing” the judge replied “Looking for me”
He said I had hair like an emo. He wasn’t too happy when I said he had hair like a chemo.
A washed up actor hasn’t gotten a job in years. He has lost his ability to remember lines. But after looking for work for a very long time, finally he gets the lead role in a Broadway musical.
When he arrives at the theater the director tells him, "You have the most important part, but you only have one line. You walk onto stage with a rose; bring it close to your nose with your thumb, index, and middle fingers; and sniff it deeply. Then you will say, 'Oh, the smell of my lover.'" When it comes time for him to say his line he walks onto stage and says, "Oh, the smell of my lover." With this the crowd begins to laugh hysterically and the director explodes with anger. The actor runs off stage and asks, "Did I forget my lines?" The director replies, "No! You forgot the flower."
His name is Carson.
he felt his presence
Dad: No. You’re grounded. Son: No fair! Dad: That’s exactly what I said.
They live past the age of three
Nun of your business
The Texas Department of Transportation (TxDOT) found over 200 dead crows on U.S. Highway 281 this past week, and there was concern that they may have died from the Coronavirus. A veterinary epidemiologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Coronavirus (COVID-19). The cause of death was actually from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorcycles, while only 2% were killed by cars. TxDOT then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorcycle kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviorist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "bike"!!!
Even though I don't own any leather hands.
You don't know what you're missing!
A 50 Cent concert featuring Nickelback.
After letting out a trumpet of a fart my toddler stopped, gasped and said, “did you just hear that elephant?”
She's going too be a great dad someday.
For hispanic attacks
As I was standing there, I noticed four grave diggers walking about with a coffin. Three hours later and they’re still walking about with it. I thought to myself, “They’ve lost the plot.”
It's the best place to exchange stolen content for gold.
"Good idea," I replied. "We can cover more ground that way."
Husband: What! That little son of a bitch
Sneak in ten minutes late with a bullshit excuse. Slink down low at my desk. Pray to God nobody asked me any questions. I was the best teacher ever.
I disagree. I clearly have a father figure
It was about time.
You won't make any real money.
The first, I want my remains to be scattered around Disneyland. The second, I don’t want to be cremated.
He was tired of being a web developer.
He was right. International shipping takes a few days.
A 10% survival rate I’m so sorry
On Mars, Curiosity is driven by scientists.
It was a Stark realization.
Well, it's not 6, cause my basement is still dark
I woke up exhausted
Because he never finished his sentences…
My dad and I are going out tonight and I asked if he could pick me up. He said "I think so – I've been working out!"
and I thought to myself, "Not only does my son have a stupid name, but he's also a terrible driver."