Waife bade
Why are there no cats on Mars?
Because curiosity killed them all.
A Boy worked in the produce section of the supermarket
A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man was persistent. The boy said he’d go ask his manager what to do. He walked into the back room and said, “There’s some jerk out there who wants to buy only half a head of lettuce.” As he finished saying this he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, “So he added, “And this gentleman wants to buy the other half,” The manager okayed the deal. Later the manager said to the boy, “You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet, and we like that around here. Where’re you from, son?” The boy replied, “Minnesota, sir”. “Oh really? Why did you leave Minnesota?” asked the manager. The boy replied, “There all just whores and hockey players up there.” “My wife is from Minnesota,” the manager said. The boy replied, “Really!? What team did she play for?”
Where would you find flying rabbits?
in the hare force
My girlfriend asked me to stop singing wonderwall
I said maybe.
What do you get when you mix a caribou with an antelope?
A cantaloupe! *yesterday at work, my stupid brain called a caribou a cantaloupe because i couldn't remember the name and was thinking of an antelope too. If this isn't original, I'm sorry. But my brain farts come up with interesting answers!
How did Chris Browns girlfriend find out he was cheating on her?
She found another woman's lipstick on his knuckles.
Me: “When I donate blood I do not extract it. A nurse does it for me. “
Receptionist: "Yes, but this is a sperm bank and it doesn't work that way. "
My penis was in the Guinness book of world records..
..until the police came and removed me from the library.
I opened a company selling landmines disguised as prayer mats.
Prophets are going through the roof.
I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa!
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My grandpa just walked into my room with a young guy wearing skinny jeans and eating avocado toast.
I asked, "Who is this guy?" My grandfather said, "He's my hip replacement."
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him…
She says hello. He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies: "I think you’re the father of one of my kids." Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says: "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?" She looks into his eyes and says calmly: "No, I’m your son’s teacher."
My wife was upset with me last night for kicking ice cubes under the appliances instead of picking them up…
…but this morning it’s just water under the fridge
Why would a pig dressed in black never get bullied?
Because Batman has sworn to protect goth ham.
What kind of cell phone did the pirate have?
An AyyyyePhone
Smoking will kill you …
Bacon will kill you… But, smoking bacon will cure it.
What does the sniper say to his gf after a breakup?
I won't miss you.
How much time do you have to fix your parachute?
The rest of your life.
My brother just updated his status to “I love my girlfriend <3".
I always knew he liked them young, but that is fucking ridiculous.
A woman is giving birth to twins.
Due to the massive blood loss during the delivery, she had gone unconscious shortly after they were delivered. She awakens to a nurse who congratulated her on having the kids and told her that her brother had come in and named the children for her. "Oh no" the woman said, "My brother is a little slow…he's not entirely all there" "Don't worry" says the nurse, "He actually picked good names, the girls name is Denise" "That's not that bad" says the woman. "What's my boys name?" The nurse replies "Denephew"
When you say the word “poop”
your mouth moves just like your butt-hole does when you poop. The same is true for "explosive diarrhea".
I was going to make a depressing joke.
But my parents already made one.
Why are they called hemorrhoids?
Shouldn't they be called Asteroids?
Did you know diarrhea is hereditary?
It runs in your Jeans.
My wife asked me if “I was listening to her?!”
Strange way to start a conversation….
A man and his wife are discussing what they think their son will be when he grows up.
“I have an idea,” says the father. He puts a ten-dollar bill, a bottle of whiskey, and a Bible on the coffee table. “If he takes the money, he’ll be a banker. If he takes the whiskey, he’ll be a wino, and if he takes the Bible, that means he’ll be a preacher.” So the man and his wife hide just before their son comes in the door, and watch from where they’re hiding. The boy saunters over to the coffee table. He picks up the ten-dollar bill, looks at it, then sets it down. He picks up the bottle of whiskey, uncorks it, sniffs it, then sets it down. He picks up the Bible, leafs through it, and sets it down. Then the boy takes the money and stuffs it into his pocket, grabs the whiskey, and walks off with the Bible under his arm. “Well, how do you like that!” exclaims the father. “He’s going to be a politician!”
An atheist, vegan, and cross fit athlete walk into a bar.
We know this because they all loudly announced it within the first 30 seconds.
Son: “Daddy, I fell in love and want to date this awesome girl!”
Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?" Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter." Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister." The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later: Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!" Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?" Son: "It's Angela, the other neighbor's daughter." Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. Angela is also your sister." This went on a few more times, and finally the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying. Son: "Mom, I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls and I can't date any of them because dad is their father!" The mother hugs him affectionately and says, "You can date whoever you want. He isn't your father!"
I had to break up with my midget girlfriend today.
She wouldn’t get her nose out of my business. I was nuts over her though
What do you call it when a snowman loses his temper?
A meltdown. (Told to me by a grandpa earlier today.)
It’s 1 in the morning and a drunk bar patron decides it’s time to go home.
He gets up off his barstool and immediately faceplants. “Oh, holy crap. I’m drunker than I thought!” He pulls himself up with the barstool, lets go, and faceplants again. “Shit!” He crawls to the front door. He tries pulling himself up with the door knob and door frame. Once again, he lets go and drops straight to the ground. “This is bullshit. I didn’t even have that much to drink!” When he finally crawls to the sidewalk, he grabs hold of a light pole. Again, he pulls himself up, lets go, and immediately collapses. “Shit, this is going to be a long crawl home!” It’s a long, grueling trek, but he finally makes it home. By the time he reaches his front steps, the sky is a light pink and blue and birds are beginning to chirp. As he reaches for the doorknob, it twists and the door swings wide open. He looks up to see his ever-so-livid wife glaring down at him. “Honey, I can explain! I just had too much to drink, and…” “Yeah, I know. The bar called. You left your wheelchair there again.”
Did you hear about the guy who’s left side was cut off?
He’s all right now.
Did you know you can tell if an ant is a boy or a girl by dropping it in water?
If it sinks it's a girl ant If it floats it's boy ant