wait for Donald
Got fired from the sperm bank yesterday
Apparently you’re not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say “get a load of this guy” every time someone walks in.
Breaking: Donald Trump Jr. and Eric Trump have both been diagnosed with Bone Spurs.
https://ift.tt/2FfFcj5
I asked my wife to describe me in 5 words
She said I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and I'm perfect. Then she added that I also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces.
A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves.
The boy sees a worm trying to crawl into an anthill. "I bet fifty bucks that I can get that worm into that anthill!" says the boy. "Your on," says the grandfather. "That worm is too wiggly." The boy runs into the house, comes back with a can of hairspray, and sprays it on the worm until the worm is as straight and stiff as a board. The old man pays his grandson fifty dollars. At dinner time, the man gives the boy another fifty dollars. "I though you already gave me my fifty bucks!" says the boy. "I did," says the grandfather. "This is from your granny."
Today I thought of a color that doesn’t exist…
but then I realized it was just a pigment of my imagination.
A joke I made up that’s funny only when you look back at it.
This guy shows up to his optometrist and says "I have a weird problem", The Optometrists replies, "What seems to be the trouble?" The guys says, "Everything's blurry. My vision is horrible!" "That's pretty common", the Optometrist replies. "We can certainly fix th…" "Wait! Here's the weird thing though" the guy interrupts, "Everything is blurry. EVERYTHING. Except… People's butts. People's butts, dogs butts, cats butts. Butts! I see butts clearly! What's going on?" The Optometrist smiles and calmly replies, "Listen, you've got nothing to worry about. Everyone knows that hindsight is 20/20."
What do you call Batman when he is injured?
Bruised Wayne
At first I didn’t like having a beard
But then it grew on me
Doctor: I can’t find out what your problem is. It could be due to excess alcohol consumption.
Me: It’s okay. I can come back when you are sober.
Why do native Americans hate snow?
Because it's white and settles on their land.
I’ve often heard that “icy” is the easiest word to spell
Looking at it now, I see why.
My girlfriend warned me she would break up if I didn’t stop making jokes about oral sex.
I said "That's hard to swallow."
I think Helium hates my jokes.
He doesn’t react to any of them.
What do you call a snobby criminal going down the stairs?
A condescending con descending.
Two priests were driving in a car and got pulled over.
The police officer said “Hello gentleman, we are looking for two child molesters” the two priests talk quietly to them selves for a moment the turn the the officer and one of them says “Alright Officer we will do it!”
ROMNEY DIDN’T KILL HIMSELF
Sorry, just practicing.
A cop pulls over a car with two priests. The cop makes his way up to the window and says, “We’re looking for two child molesters.”
The priests look at each other for a moment and turn back to the cop. “We’ll do it.”
My half-brother is 6’5
Jeez, imagine if he were a full brother
Did you know the first French fries weren’t made in France?
They were made in Greece
Leather is great for sneaking around
Because its made of hide
What did Santa say when he caught an elf stealing toys?
don't be elfish!
My girlfriend said, “If one day, you want to run away, just let me know.”
Turns out she meant together.
Me: Officer, are you actually crying while you’re writing me a speeding ticket?
Officer: It was a moving violation
England has no kidney bank but…
It does have a Liverpool
i have a hicky from my date with a wizard last night
she was a neck-romancer
Some lettuce, an egg, and a faucet had a race. What was the result?
The lettuce came in ahead, the egg got beat and the faucet is still running.
Why doesn’t Oedipus use profanity?
Because he kisses his mother with that mouth.
Sorry sir, we don’t serve time travelers here
A time traveler walks into a bar
Trump is visiting a school and walks into a classroom.
The teacher asks Trump if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word “tragedy”. So he asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers, “if my best friend who lives on a farm is playing in a field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that’d be a tragedy.” “Not quite”, says Mr. Trump, “that would be an accident.” A little girl raises her hand: “if a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.” “I’m afraid not,” explained the president. “That’s what we would call a great loss.” The room goes silent. Trump searches the room. “Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy? “ Finally at the back of the room, little Johnny raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, “If Air Force One, carrying you was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens; that would be a tragedy.” “Fantastic!” exclaimed Mr. Trump. “That’s right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?” “Well’, said little Johnny, “because it sure as hell wouldn’t be a great loss and probably wouldn’t be an accident either.”
After watching Star Wars with my son for the first time today, he looked up at me and asked, “Daddy, why was R2D2 so dirty?” Puzzled, I asked him what he meant.
He replied, "Well, they had to bleep out every word he said!"
What do you call children born in whorehouses?
Brothel sprouts.
How do you get to the weight room at Hogwarts?
Through the Dumbell door
My wife volunteers as a school crossing guard.
I tell everyone she’s into human trafficking.
I went to the zoo yesterday and saw a baguette in a cage.
The zookeeper told me it was bread in captivity.
What did pink panther say when he stepped on an ant?
Dead ant, dead ant. Deadant deadant deadant, dead ant, DEAD AAAANT. Deadant.
An escaped prisoner was caught camping out in the woods ….
…. it was a clear case of criminal in tent.
Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
It got stuck in a crack