wait for Donald
An 80 year old blind man walks into a pub and sits at the bar.
He orders a pint and tells the landlord, “I’ve been blind for 50 years lad. My hearing’s perfectly attuned. I bet can tell you what’s happening in any room in this pub.” “Oh really”, says the landlord, “go ahead then”. The old man cups a hand round his ear, tilts his head to the ceiling and listens. “In your bathroom, upstairs, the one at the end of the corridor… a tap’s been left on.” Skeptical, the landlord sends his nephew upstairs to check. His nephew returns and confirms the findings. “Could’ve been luck”, says the landlord, “Go on, try again…” The old man cups his ear, tilts his head to the floor and listens. “In your cellar”, he says, “I can hear scurrying. You have a rat infestation.” “You’re talking rubbish.” says the landlord, and sends his nephew to check. He returns and the old man is right, again! Now intrigued, the landlord urges him to try again. He cups a hand round his ear and listens to somewhere behind the bar. “Ah, in the storeroom down that corridor”, he says, “someone’s having at it in there right now”. The nephew goes and checks the store room, and what d’ya know, he finds two of the bar staff shagging away in there. “Bloody hell old man, you truly are incredible”, says the landlord, “what else can you hear?” The old geezer hushes the landlord, places his head on the bar and listens for a while. He lifts his head off the bar and says, “Yep, your beer pump is definitely out of action”. The landlord checks the pump… “Ha! You’re wrong old man. It’s working perfectly!” “Well then, where’s my fucking pint?”
Why did the condom fly accross the room?
It was pissed off…
Sex is like math
You add the bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs and pray you don't multiply
I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it
If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.
Wife: I have to tell you something, I’m pregnant
Husband: Hi Pregnant, I’m Dad Wife: No you’re not.
My buddy jokingly asked me, “If I shagged your wife, would that make us related?”
I said, "No man, that would just make us even."
I got fired from my job at the bank today.
An old lady came in and asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
I want to dedicate this Dad joke to my father, who is a roofer.
So Dad, if you are up there…
Amazing Team Player
The interviewer calls the candidate for the interview. The candidate enters and gives his resume. The interviewer takes a look and mentions that he is going to peruse through it. The interviewer starts reading through the projects and sees that he single-handedly led all his teams. He commends him on the same. He looks again and sees that one of his main characteristics is a good team player. He is confused and asks him "It says here that you are a team but you single-handedly led most teams. Isn't that contradictory?" The candidate smiles and says "If everyone in the team likes to work with me, I am a good team player, right?" The interviewer says "Yes" "Well, I am the only person on the team and I like working with me"
The cop teared up a little as she wrote out my ticket.
I guess it was a moving violation.
My son asks me, “What does gay mean?”
Me: "It means 'happy," Son: "Oh, so are you gay, then?" Me: "No, son, I have a wife."
Today my son asked for a book mark, I burst into tears
He’s 11 and still doesn’t know my name is Brian
The wife’s leaving me because of my sexual fetishes
I said yeah fine and remember to slam the door on my cock on the way out.
Wife: “Can you give the kids a talk on drugs?”
Husband: “Ok… but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high”
A woman goes into a restaurant with 15 kids.
The kids start goofing around while she's talking to the waitress. The mom gets impatient and yells, "Eddy! Stop that! Or else!" All 15 boys suddenly sit down, obedient and quiet. The waitress asks, "Did you really name all 15 of your boys Eddy?" "Yup," says the woman. "Makes it easier than trying to remember who's who every damn time." "But what if you only want to talk to one of them for some reason?" the waitress asks. "Well, then I just call them by their last names."
So there was an American and a Russian arguing.
Then the American said “Look, in my country I can complain about the government. I can walk into the Oval Office, pound my fist on the President’s Desk and say ‘Mr. President, I don’t like the way you’re running our country’” The Russian said “I can do the same thing” The American was stunned and said “Really?” The Russian responded “Yes, I can walk to Moscow, go to the Secretary of State’s office, pound my fist on his desk and say ‘President Secretary of State, I don’t like the way the American President is running their country”
So much has changed ever since my girlfriend told me we were having a baby!
For instance, my name, address, and telephone number!
“Did you take a shower, Dad?”
“Why, is there one missing?”
If I’m offering you my seat, you fucking take it.
I don't need this "omg i cant drive a train" shit
Where do you keep Schwarzenegger dolls in a store?
Aisle B, back
This one is a little bit political,I hope that doesn’t break any rules
Taiwan:I am China China:No I am China Taiwan:Ok then I am Taiwan China:No you are China
I asked SIRI why I was still single.
She turned on the front camera.
My wife and I went out for dinner the other day. When I ordered a steak she angrily said “You really like meat huh, murderer?!”
I sighed and replied "I has been 20 years, can you please stop bringing up the time I shot your father?"
2 is a prime number against all odds.
No text found
What’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are $2.50. Deer nuts are under a buck
Yo, wanna hear a joke about someone who never goes outdoors?
Nah on second thoughts you won't get it. It's an inside joke.
What’s dark humor?
A boy asks his mom: "Hey, mom, what is dark humor?" "See that disabled man over there?" She says "But mom, I'm blind" "Exactly, honey"
Have you heard of the reverse exorcism?
It’s where the devil appears and asks the priest to get out of the child.
Maybe the phrase shooting fish in a barrel comes from Americans…
Because fish swim in schools.
A man goes to his boss and says, “I need to leave early today, I’m going to be a father!”
"Of course", he replied. "Take the afternoon off.” When the man returned to work the next day, his boss came to his desk. "Well, how'd it go? Is it a boy Or a girl?” “Not sure,” said the man, “but I’ll let you know in about 9 months.”
My kid just told me she’s scared of Santa.
She’s Claustrophobic
A gay couple is traveling on a plane. Let’s call them Steve and Bill.
"What if we had sex?" asks Steve. "Are you crazy? Here, on the plane? It would be awkward, everyone would watch us doing it…" "Nobody is even paying attention to anything. Look!" Steve stands up and asks loudly: "Could I have a pencil, please?" Nobody gives a damn. Everyone is sleeping, reading, looking out the window, etc. "They really wouldn't care then, would they?" says Bill. So Steve and Bill have wild sex on the plane. Later, when the plane arrives to the airport and the people are leaving, the stewardess sees an old man who threw up all over his shirt, even his pants are soaking in the filth. "Sir, you should've asked for a bag!" "I didn't dare" whispers the old man. "A few rows ahead I saw a man asking for a pencil and he got fucked in the ass…"
My girlfriend shouted at me, “ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING?!”
Which I, personally, thought was a very weird and rude way to start a conversation!
What do you call a shoe made from a banana?
A slipper!
The average person has sex 89 times a year.
This is going to be one hell of a week.
Male anatomy isn’t the same as female anatomy.
In fact, there’s a Vas Deferens.
I went to Walmart today..
I went to the Walmart today , and I was there for literally 5 minutes. When I came out there was a state trooper writing a parking ticket for being in a handicap spot. So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked cop. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires! So I then asked him if his psychiatrist makes him lie face down on the couch cause he's so ugly. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket! This went on until he had placed 5 tickets on the winshield… the more I insulted him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.
Did you know that fully grown deer don’t like melted cheese?
But their fawn do
