wait for it π
Guess who stopped smoking this morning?
Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi
Call a girl beautiful 1000 times and she wonβt think twice…
Call a girl fat once and sheβll always remember. Because elephants never forget Edit: Thanks for the upvotes, I needed this for a challenge on r/ModMurder
My earliest clear childhood memory is going with my parents to the eye doctor.
Life before that is a blur.
What liquid is considered the fastest in the world?
Milk, because it can be pasteurized before you even see it.
Why are gay men so well dressed?
They didnβt spend all that time in the closet doing nothing.
Did you hear about the carpenter who drank on the job?
He got hammered
I wanted to name our son Miles but my wife thought we should go with something more universally accepted.
So we named him Kilometers
“Forget everything you learned in College”
"Forget everything you learned in college. You won't need it working here." "That works out because I never went to college." "Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here"
How do you know so many dad jokes?
I have a dad-a-base.
Have you ever tried blind folded archery?
You don't know what you're missing
Carrots may be good for your eyes…
But whiskey will double your vision.
A cow got into the marijuana field…
Now the steaks are high.
ok so a stoner, a jedi, and a surgeon walk into a bar…
Blunt force trauma
Me and my girlfriend are just too different…
I exist and she doesn't
I was at the beach today and I saw a man in the water shouting, βHelp! Shark! Help!β
I laughed because I knew the shark wasnβt going to help him…
What do you call fifteen rabbits hopping backwards?
A receding hareline.
Just got back from the Transformers convention
and boy are my arms tires.
What Asian stereo type do you hear the most?
Personally I've got a Sony surround sound system.
What do you call an elephant that doesnβt matter?
An Irrelephant.
What do u give a dog that has high temperature?
Mustard, it's the best thing for a hot dog
By law, you are required to turn on your headlights if it is raining in Sweden
How the hell am I supposed to know if its raining in Sweden?
[At parole hearing] Officer: Why should you be released early?
Man: Iβm .. Officer: Go on. Man: I think… Officer: Yes? Man: Can I please finish my sentence? Officer: Sure. Parole denied.
How can you tell when a vampire’s sick ?
Because of the coffin.
Lions, Humans, music, oh my!
At any moment, the urge to sing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away…
My mom used to feed me by saying: βHere comes the train!β I always ate everything.
Otherwise she wouldnβt untie me from the tracks.
Why are the horse stalls at a racetrack labelled A, B, D, E, and F?
Because no one would bet on a seahorse.
Iβve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes
Itβs all about raisin awareness
Gay jokes arenβt funny
Cum on guys
The minus button is missing from my calculator.
I guess it won't make any difference.
My boss is threatening to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch it might be me.
A guy with flame tattoo sleeves walks into a building and gets stopped by security.
The security guard tells the guy there are no firearms allowed.
A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party.
He doesn't know what costume to wear in order to not draw attention to his head or his leg, and he has a month to prepare so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later he receives a package with the following letter: "Dear Sir: Please find enclosed a complimentary pirate's costume. The handkerchief can cover your bald head if you'd like, and with your wooden leg you will be a great pirate. Very truly yours, Faye's Costumes" The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg, and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another package and a letter, which says: "Dear Sir: We are quite sorry about the misunderstanding. Please find enclosed a monk costume. The long robe will cover your wooden leg, and with your bald head you will really look the part. Very truly yours, Faye's Costumes" Now the man is really upset, since they have gone from using his wooden leg to using his bald head! So again he writes the company another letter of complaint, being particularly nasty about how they've failed to meet both conditions with their previous attempts. The next week he gets a much smaller package and a note, which reads: "Dear Sir: You will find enclosed a bottle of molasses. Pour the molasses over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass, and go as a caramel apple. Very truly yours, Faye's Costumes"
Why should china have a base ball team?
Because they can take down the whole world with one bat.
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. Me: Okay, I'll have a coke. Bartender: Is Pepsi okay? Me: Sure. How much is that? Bartender: $3. Me: There you go. So what's the wifi password? Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
The Star Wars series is coming out with a female villain
She'll be able to use the force to raise and lower things. Her name will be Ella Vader
I bought my wife a Pug as a present.
Despite the squashed nose, bulging eyes and rolls of fat, the dog seems to like her.
A nun buys a donkey and enters it in a local horse race
Remarkably, the donkey is incredibly quick and manages to win. The local paper reads Local nun has winning ass. She enters it into a second race, and again it wins. The local paper reads Nun has best ass in town. The priest is annoyed by these headlines, but the prize money is seriously helping the church, so he tries to ignore it. After a regional win, the paper reads Nun shows entire county her ass. The priest decides this sort of publicity is too much, and insists she sell the donkey. She puts up a few ads. The next day, the headline is Nun offers her ass for Β£50. The priest insists she get rid of it quickly, so she makes it free to a loving home. Nun desperate for someone to own her ass. A bishop realises the problem, and so offers to take the donkey. Bishop loves nun's ass. The priest faints.
You know what really makes my day…
The rotation of the earth
robin: oh no the batmobile isnt starting!
batman: check the battery robin: whats a tery?
I had to break up with my tennis-playing girlfriend
Love meant nothing to her.
I made $60.25 sucking dicks last night
Dude 2: lol, who gave you the quarter? Dude 1 : they all did.
A man is lost in the woods and it is getting dark.
As he walks through the woods he comes across a small cabin. He goes up to the cabin and knocks on the door. An old Chinese man opens it.Β βIβm lost in the woods and I need somewhere to stay for the night,β the man said. βCan I please stay here?βΒ βSure,β said the Chinese man. βBut asΒ long as you donβt lay a finger on my daughter. If you do, Iβll give you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man.Β The man agreed to the Chinese manβs conditions. However when it was time for dinner the daughter came downstairs and he saw how beautiful she was.Β βThis old Chinese guy will never find out,β the man thought to himself. So that night the man went to the Chinese manβs daughterβs room and they had mad passionate sex. The next day the man woke up and there was a huge rock on his chest. There was a sign on it that said βChinese torture number 1: Rock on chest.β The man laughed and though to himself βIs this really the worst Chinese torture?β He then threw the rock out the window and started to walk towards the bedroom door and then he stopped when he saw the sign on it. It said βChinese torture number 2: Rock tied to right testicle.β The man started to panic. He decided to jump out the window with the rock because a few broken bones is better than a castration. As he fell out the window, he saw a sign in the ground. It said βChinese torture number 3: left testicle tied to bedpost.β