Wait, no, that’s not supposed to happen.
Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?
Fo' drizzle
My 8yr old daughter got me with “I can breathe under water”
She filled a cup of water placed it on her head and began to violently and rapidly breathe in and out. The force is strong with her.
All these people getting emails from the Prince of Nigeria, I got one from an Egyptian Pharaoh!
But it turned out to just be a pyramid scheme…
What do you call a snobby criminal going down the stairs?
A condescending con descending.
A man bought a bar
A couple years after running the place by himself, he noticed a stray puppy living in the alley behind it. He took the dog in and they became inseparable. He named the dog Blackie and brought her to work with him every day. He taught her some bar tricks that the customers absolutely loved, especially after a few beers. Business started to boom and Blackie became somewhat of a public figure. One night Blackie was snoozing on the sidewalk outside the bar when a cyclist came speeding through and ran over her tail. She was taken to the vet and the tail unfortunately had to be amputated, but the man, being eccentric and deeply affectionate towards her, had it stuffed and mounted on the wall. Blackie lived many long and happy years after the incident, but the day came that she passed on. The bar owner, along with many community members were extremely saddened by the news. A few nights later, the man is cleaning up the bar in the early morning hours after shutting down for the night. He couldn't believe his eyes when he saw a dog approaching him from across the room. "Blackie, is that you?" The dog spoke. "Yes it's me, I am sorry that I that I left you. But I desperately need your help. I went to heaven after I died, but they won't let me in. God said that he can't let dogs into heaven if they don't have their tails, but since I was a good dog he let me come back for tonight to retrieve it. I know you still have mine and I need it back if I am ever to rest peacefully." The man replied, "I'm sorry Blackie, but you know I can't retail spirits after midnight."
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for the fresh prints.
My mom had plumbers stop at the house to fix the drain. They made so much noise!
She told em to pipe down.
What do we want? Low flying airplane noises
When do we want it Neeeooooooow
I just pooped in the elevator
And i took that shit to the next level
Three sisters get married, each to another man
The men's now mother in-law decides to test all of them. She decides to take each of them on a walk separately. The mother in-law takes the first guy on a walk. She "accidentally" falls into a deep pond. The man doesn't hesitate, he jumps in and saves her. The next day, the man gets a phone notification that he received 500 dollars with the description: "thanks for all you did for me – Your mother in-law, Sarah She then tests the second guy and again, "accidentally" falls into the same pond. He doesn't hesitate either, and jumps in to save her. The next day, he too gets a notification on his phone that he received 500 dollars, also with the description: "thanks for all you did for me – Your mother in-law, Sarah She then tests the third guy and again "accidentally" falls into the pond. The guy looks around if anyone can see, decides that no one is watching, and walks away. The next day, he gets a phone notification that he received 500 dollars aswell with the description: "thanks for all you did for me – Your father in-law, James"
A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall down a cliff.
Baa-Dumm-Tsssss
Two guys are on a boat with 3 cigarettes and nothing to light them with.
They threw one over board and the boat is now a cigarette lighter.
Ace your next code interview and flex on your coworkers with this one simple trick!
https://ift.tt/32RuVTD
Have you ever seen a picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved?
It’s beauty was unpresidented.
An American, a Canadian, a young attractive woman and an old lady were on a train
As they went through a tunnel and it became too dark to see and a loud SMACK could be heard. As the train exited the tunnel everyone looked at the American and saw he had a bright red cheek. The old lady thought to herself "I bet that American grabbed that young woman and she smacked him for it." The young attractive woman thought "I bet that American grabbed that old lady thinking it was me and she smacked him for it." The American thinks to himself "I bet that Canadian grabbed that young attractive woman and she smacked me thinking it was me." And the Canadian thinks to himself "I hope we go through another tunnel so I can smack the American again."
I got a job working in a hayfield…
After one day, I bailed…
What kind of doctor is Dr. pepper?
It’s a fizzician! I’ll see myself out
The word “diputseromneve” may look ridiculous,
but backwards it’s even more stupid
I’ve made a website for depressed tennis players…
The servers are currently down…
My friend couldn’t afford his water bill.
So I sent him a "get well soon" card.
My friend David lost his ID…
Now I call him Dav.
There’s a certain way people look at you when you accidentally drop a baby.
Compared to deliberately throwing one across the room.
Oedipus joke
Oedipus: Oracle, what’s going to happen to me? Oracle: you’re going to kill your father and marry joe. Oedipus: whose Joe?
Have you tried German sausages?
They're the wurst
Two caterpillars are escaping a spider. They climb up a branch and get to the edge, but realize they are now trapped…
"Hold on tight!" says the first caterpillar and he quickly chews through the branch. It snaps and they begin to fall, but he grabs two protruding twigs and uses them to steer the branch through the air with grace and finesse. "That's amazing!!" says the second caterpillar. "How in the hell are you doing that?!" The first caterpillar scoffs. "Am I the only one in the whole damn forest who knows how to drive a stick!?"