Wait. That’s illegal
I’ll never forget my granddad’s last words to me just before he died…
“Are you still holding the ladder!?”
Never try to fight a dinosaur…
You’ll get Jurasskiced
How can you get to one million karma in a day?
You can, but it has to be a cakewalk
What’s the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A hooker can wash her crack and use it again.
Are camo jokes not a thing anymore?
I can't see them anywhere.
Whats 12 inches long and hangs in front of an asshole?
My bosses tie
So, my twin brother just called me from prison.
He said, "So you know how we tend to finish each others' sentences?"
Today is national peanut butter day.
Spread the news
Dads are like boomerangs
I hope.
My 72 year old uncle posted this. Not gonna lie, it gave me a bit of a chuckle
https://ift.tt/2GwyuGc
Why does Gordon Ramsey always use a condom during sex?
Because otherwise, it’s FUCKING RAW!!!
While most puns make me feel numb…
…Math puns make me feel number.
ISO Halloween Jokes
Thank You.
What is the difference between Tatooine and Hoth?
On Tatooine you can find Mos Eisley. On Hoth you’ll find ice mostly.
If they call sex with three people a threesome and sex with four people a foursome…
then I see why they call you handsome!
What did cinderella say when her photos didn’t arrive on time?
One day my prints will come.
Went to the swimming pool the other day and desperately need to pee so just peed in the pool
Got such a fright when the lifeguard blew his whistle that I nearly fell in..
A guy sits at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city.
He slams a shot of tequila, goes over to the window and jumps out. The guy sitting next to him can’t believe what he just saw. He’s more surprised when, 10 minutes later, the same guy walks back into the bar and sits down next to him. The astonished onlooker asks, “How did you do that? I just saw you jump out the window, and we’re hundreds of feet above the ground!” The jumper responds by slurring, “Well, I don’t get it either. I slam a shot of tequila, and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch.” He takes a shot, goes to the window and jumps out. The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls to just above the sidewalk, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the jumper walks back into the bar. The other guy has to try it, too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He slams it and jumps out the window. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn’t slow down at all. SPLAT! The first guy orders another shot of tequila. The bartender shakes his head. “You’re really an a**hole when you’re drunk, Superman.”
EVERY HAT RACK IN THE HOUSE FELL ON ME.
SORRY, I'M STUCK IN CAPS.
What do you call a hippie’s wife?
Mississippi.
My friend keeps saying “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water”
I know he means well. (Since my last well-joke did well (pun intended) I thought this would be a nice follow-up)
My girlfriend said she didn’t think it was possible to seriously injure yourself by masturbating
But I managed to pull it off.
I’m best friend’s with 25 letters of the alphabet
I don't know why
My wife just joined an activist group called DAM
Mothers Against Dyslexia
A Blonde Joke
Two ladies, blonde and a brunette, meet up for lunch. The Brunette tells the blonde that she just had sex with a Brazilian. The Blonde excitedly exclaims, "Oh my god! You slut! How many is a Brazilian?"
What do you call an alligator wearing a vest?
An investigator!
Please stop the hate on the lazy people
They didn’t do anything at all
I was warned not to steal kitchen utensils
But it's a whisk I am willing to take.
My wife claims a man in camouflage is sexy
I just don't see it myself