Wait! Whaaaaaaaat!!!

What’s the difference between me and cancer?
My dad didn't beat cancer
It’s a great time to be an ER doctor.
Business is really surgeon.
The internet connection at my farm was really poor, so I moved the modem to the barn.
Now I have stable wifi
I just slipped on a banana skin.
I look ridiculous in it.

MRW my friend asks what happens to atoms under heat (X-post from /r/shittyreactiongifs)
https://ift.tt/3c5GHPr
I took the damaged remains of my luggage to a lawyer and said, “I want to sue the airline!”
The lawyer said, “You don’t seem to have too much of a case.”
It is very rare for a defibrillator to fail.
When it happens, though, nobody is shocked.
Why do people never eat clocks?
Because it’s really time consuming.
Educated people are hot
Because the have got more degrees ! ( Read this one in an old book ! )
Yesterday a clown held a door open for me
I thought it was a nice jester
Why do men give their jackets to women when they are cold?
No man wants a blowjob from a woman with shaky teeth
Apparently the inventor of auto-correct has died.
His funeral is next monkey.
Sometimes it is better to just walk away from things and go back to them later when you’re in a better frame of mind.
While it's true, that's how I lost my job as a surgeon.
I just saw a Buddhist order a hot dog.
He said, "Make me one with everything. "
If you commit 90 sins, you will get caught about half the time.
Because sin90 = cot45
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar every time I have pessimistic thoughts.
It’s currently half empty.
If someone gave you $1,000,000 to replace their fuse…
would you refuse?
Wanna hear a HIPAA joke?
Sorry, I can't tell you.
The wife asked if she could wear one of my wife beaters today…
I was like "Yeah, knock yourself out".
Did you hear about the guy who invented the door knocker?
he won the no-bell prize!
You can’t plant flowers…
…if you haven’t botany
I phoned up the wine shop.
I said, "Hi, do you do deliveries?" He said, "Yes, sir. Of course." "Superb," I said, "I've got a Domino's Pizza ready to pick up."
My order of a dozen bees came with 13 bees
When I called customer service about it they said, “ oh that’s just a freebie.”
My penis was in the Guinness book of world records..
..until the police came and removed me from the library.
I met a snooty dude at a party in Boston, and I asked him “Did you go to Harvard?”
He said, “Yale”. I said, “I SAID, DID YOU GO TO HARVARD?”
“Did you take a shower, Dad?”
“Why, is there one missing?”
Girl: “Forgive me father for I have sinned.”
Priest: “What have you done my child?” Girl: “I called a man a son of a bitch.” Priest: “Why did you call him a son of a bitch?” Girl: “Because he touched my hand.” Priest: “Like this?” (as he touches her hand) Girl: “Yes father.” Priest: “That’s no reason to call a man a son of a bitch.” Girl: “Then he touched my breast.” Priest: “Like this?” (as he touched her breast) Girl: “Yes father.” Priest: “That’s no reason to call him a son of a bitch.” Girl: “Then he took off my clothes, father.” Priest: “Like this?” (as he takes off her clothes) Girl: “Yes father. Priest: “That’s no reason to call him a son of a bitch.” Girl: “Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where.” Priest: “Like this?” (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where) Girl: “YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!” Priest: (after a few minutes): “That’s no reason to call him a son of a bitch.” Girl: “But father he had AIDS!” Priest: “THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!”
How does the kid tell you that their grandparents called?
60s kids: Grandma called. 70s kids: Gramps called. 80s kids: Granny called. 90s kids: Grandmother called. Kids now: Boomerang.
[NSFW]An old dark joke
A kid returns home after playing baseball only to find his sister having sex with someone. He doesnt make a sound and hides in the closet. When their parents come home the man rushes and hides in the same closet. The kid whispers, "Its dark in here, right?" The man replies, "Yes, what do you want?" "I have this awesome baseball gloves. Do you wanna buy it for $100?" "No, its expensive" "If you dont buy it, I am gonna tell my dad" "Alright fine" The kid forces the man to buy it and as promised he doesnt make a fuss. A week later, the same thing happens again. He returns home, see his sister having sex with the same guy and again hides in the closet. Once again, when the parents return home, the man hides in the closet. The kid starts, "Its dark in here, right?" The man again replies, "Yes, what do you want this time?" "I have this amazing baseball bat. Wanna buy it for $200?" "No go away" "If you dont buy it, I'll tell my dad" "Okay, fine" The kid forces the man to buy his bat as well. With his earned $300, he goes to a shop and buys a good console and starts playing it in his home. When his dad asks how he got this, he replies that he sold his bat and gloves to a stranger and used that money to buy it. Being concerned, the dad takes the kid to the church and asks the Priest to make him understand. The Priest brings the kid to the prayer room. The kid laughs, "Its dark in here, right?" The man replies, "You start that again and I'll beat the shit out of you"
Three women are sitting at a bar arguing over who has the biggest vagina.
The first girl says, ‘My boyfriend can fit a whole fist up there.’ The second girl says, ‘Ha, my boyfriend can fit two fists and a foot.’ The third girl just smiles as she slides down the bar stool.
How do you tell the sex of an ant?
You drop it in water. If it sinks: girl ant. If it floats…
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That's when I went to Yale. Interviewer: Thats pretty impressive. You're hired. Me: Thank you, I really need this Yob.
What is it called when two mummies fart at the same time?
Toot-in-common.
Why does Snoop Dogg have an umbrella?
Fo' drizzle.
As I sail away from the island of lollipops…
…never to return, tears well in my eyes as I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. "So long, suckers," I whisper through trembling lips.
The Pope is saddend that he never sees much of the countries he visits and decides it’s time for a change
After a visit to Berlin, the Pope decides he wants to travel to Rome by car. Off course, he didn't bring a car and so the German government seizes the opportunity to impress him with German engineering. They lend him the most powerful car they have available, with a German driver/bodyguard. And off they go! After a while the Pope ask the drive to pullover: – Young man, could you please drive along the smaller roads? I wanted to see more of the country, not the highway. – But your Holiness, this is the most efficient route. -Yes, but I don't want to take it. -Why not, your Holiness? – Like I said, because I … Oh just get out I'll drive. Now that he's driving himself and wherever he wants, the Pope is having a blast. The driver, who's now in the backseat, is somewhat disgruntled but resigns to his fate and enjoys the view. Near the Austrian border, road works lead the Pope back on the highway. And on this splendid highway, in this amazingly powerful car, the Pope starts to feel the need for speed. But that would be sinful. No no no he can't give in. At this moment, the driver pitches in 'Your Holiness, there are no speed limits on German highways'. Hearing this, the Pope unleashes his long dormant powers of a race pilot and floors it. The car almost leaps with enthusiasm that it can finally show what it can really do. As if by divine intervention all the cars in front of them give way and the car reaches its speed limit, just as it crosses the border with Austria. Within minutes the car is swarmed with police and first responders, tv helicopters are starting to circle. Seeing this Pandemonium, the Pope thinks that his free time has come to an end and pulls over. Several police officers hastily walk over to the driver’s door. The Pope lowers his window and looks up to them with a faint smile. Suddenly the police officers feel very much out of their depth and decide to call the Chief of Police: – Sir, a German car crossed the border at more than twice the speed limit and now we are not sure how to handle it. – What do you mean, you are not sure? Apprehend it! – Yes sir. We got the car sir. But it's seems to belong to someone very important. – Oh. Yes, that might complicate it. Is it a congressman? – No sir, much higher. – Higher? What did you apprehend Angela Merkel? -No, sir. We think still higher, sir. -Higher?! Bloody hell do you think it's God perhaps? – Well sir, the Pope is driving him. Edit: spelling