Wait! Whaaaaaaaat!!!
My horse has insomnia and keeps every one awake.
She's a nightmare
What has three legs and four arms?
My son's shit drawing of a snake.
I’m pretty bad at building fences
Oops, wrong place for this post.
I was really embarrassed when my wife walked in on me playing with my son’s train set by myself, so in a moment of panic, I threw a bed sheet over it…
I think I managed to cover my tracks…
I have to pay for a bus ticket?
I guess it's only fare
Bindi Irwin got married!
That's a ray of hope!
Kate is a pretty name, it’s the name I would want to give to one of my twin daughters.
I would name the other one "DupliKate'
I was having sex with my friend’s wife, the phone rang. I heard it was her husband and I quickly started to get dressed.
She told me not to worry. He was out drinking with me…
What has 4 wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.
Training for dad level jokes.
My wife is pregnant with our first child so I'm stepping up my joke game to reach dad level. Mother's day was not so long ago, and since she isn't a mother yet but only a future mother, I didn't get her flowers I only got her seeds, which are future flowers. At least I found it hilarious and so did she. Hope you guys enjoy this!
I like my women like i like my toasters
Turned on and in the bath tub with me
The year is 1804 and a young man enlists on a ship..
..his first voyage is to last 3 years, and even though the work is hard the young man takes to it like a fish in water. After only a few days he is running the riggin like an old hand, he swabs the decks without complaint and spends his free time in amicable companionship playing cards or telling tall tales. All in all the young man feels as if he has found his calling. A few weeks go by like this, the young man loving his new life except one part.. There are no women. After a couple of months like this, he is starting to feel extremely uncomfortable with the situation and voices his complaints to his shipmates one evening. "Why don't you just use the barrel?" Asks one of his mates with a surprised look .It turns out that down in the hold, in a dark corner there is a barrel, with a hole drilled into the side.. Whenever the sailors start to feel their urges rise, they simply go down to the barrel and take care of their business there. The young man decides, with some scepticism, to try the barrel, and finds to his surprise that it is a wholly pleasant experience, in no way lesser than any he has had with real women before. With this new found release the young man starts to enjoy his work even more. His days continue as before, and his evenings are still spent in pleasant company, but a new addition to his routine is a nightly visit to the barrel. Another two months pass in this way and all is well, until one night as he gets up from his seat at the card table and announces that he is going to visit the barrel to his mates.A few chuckles greet this announcement and one of his friends asks "Trying to get the final fun out of it eh?" "Final fun? Are we getting rid of the barrel?" The young man asks, worry playing over his face. "Not at all mate, it's just that.. next month is your turn in the barrel."
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt and walks up to the bartender and asks for two beers and says…
"One for me and one for the road"
Don’t spell part backwards
It’s a trap
The devil visits a politician and makes him an offer.
"I can arrange some things for you," the devil says. "I'll get you billions of dollars, unlimited political influence, and anything else you can dream of. All I ask for in return is death, disease and poverty for millions of people around the world." The politician thinks for a moment and says, “What's the catch?"
A German, an Italian, a Frenchman, and an Englishmen
…are debating philosophy. The question arises over the course of their debates: what separates man from the animals? "Technology," says the German. "Other creatures have tools, yet none can match the heights of engineering we have accomplished. It is our industry that separates us from the beasts." "I disagree," announces the Italian. "It is our food. The creatures of the wild eat, but they do not cook. Humans on the other hand, create amazing dishes and new combination that make eating a most enjoyable experience." "I say it's art," decides the Frenchman. "No other being can create art. From our earliest days we have painted, and now we sculpt, write and compose as well. The wild animals cannot ever know what it is like to cry over a beautiful piece of art." All three now look towards the Englishman, expecting his answer. He takes a long sip of tea before answering, "The Channel".
Google is so dangerous! I searched how to become and arsonist…..
And immediately received 50,000 matches!!
A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection.
Judge: “First offender?” Lady: “No first a Gibson, then a Fender.”
My mum used to feed me alphabet soup when I was a kid
She insisted on me telling everyone that I loved it. I didn't really, she was just putting words in my mouth
What’s the difference between a shitty golfer and a shitty skydiver?
The shitty golfer goes, -WHAM!- "FUCK!" The shitty skydiver goes, "FUCK!" -WHAM!-
What is Pac-Man’s favorite cooking utensil?
A wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok…
You don’t need a parachute to skydive.
You need a parachute to skydive twice.
Why did the teddy bear say “no” to dessert?
Because she was stuffed.
Girlfriend asks me ” Soooo, what sounds good to you?”
Me: A blowjob Gf: Me: Gf: Waitress: I'll give you two a couple more minutes.
A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a shotgun.
"It's for my husband," she tells the clerk "Did he tell you what gauge to get?" asked the clerk. "Are you kidding?" she says. "He doesn't even know that I'm going to shoot him!"
What do you get when you mix human DNA with goat DNA
Kicked out of the petting zoo
If I had a nickel for every time I didn’t know what was going on
I would be like… how did I get all these fucking nickels??
I love telling dad jokes, but I don’t have any kids.
I guess that makes me a faux pa.
Petition to lock this sub once a week
Because there's no post on Sunday
I always carry a pebble with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in October.
I call it my jingle bell rock.
On their honeymoon, the new husband told his bride: “I have a confession to make that I should have made before, but I was concerned that it might affect our relationship.”
“What is it?” his new bride asked lovingly. “I’m a golf fanatic,” he said. “I think about golf constantly. I’ll be out on the golf course every weekend, every holiday, and every chance I get. If it comes to a choice between your wishes and golf, golf will always win.” His new bride pondered this for a moment and said: “I thank you for your honesty. Now in the same spirit of honesty, I should tell you that I’ve concealed something about my own past that you should know about. The truth is, I’m a hooker.” “No problem,” said her husband. “Just widen your stance a little, and overlap your grip, and that should clear it right up.”
I don’t get jokes about school shootings
I guess they must be aimed at a younger audience.
My girlfriend told to me to take the spider out instead of killing it.
We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. He wants to be a web developer.
