Wait where’s the funny
What do you call a one-armed karate man?
A partial artist!
A husband notices his wife’s hearing is deteriorating and decides to visit her doctor for advice.
“I can’t speak to my wife directly as she might find it offensive, given our old age” he says to the doc. “There’s a simple trick you can try to determine her hearing” explains the doctor. “Simply ask her a question at a distance and if she doesn’t hear you, move slightly closer and ask again until she does”. That night, the husband arrives home and sees his wife in the kitchen cooking. He thinks to himself, “what a perfect opportunity to test her hearing”. He stands in the doorway of the kitchen and promptly asks; “What’s for dinner honey?” No answer. He moves closer. “What’s for dinner honey?” Still no answer. He moves even closer. “What’s for dinner honey?” Still his wife doesn’t answer. He now sees how serious her hearing problem is. At this point, he is stood right next to his wife. “What’s for dinner honey?” “FOR THE FOURTH FUCKING TIME WE’RE HAVING CHICKEN”
A lamb, a drum and a snake fell off a cliff.
Ba dum tss
ELSEVIER LIBRARY SUBSCRIPTIONN
ELSEVIER LIBRARY SUBSCRIPTIONNHello everyone! I’m Phuong Tran, a medical student and come from VietNam.And I have some elsevier accounts, and I want to share it with everyone. And you can access Scopus, Sciencedirect, Clinicalkey.The account is register by your email and used with two mobile apps and one website. Registration fee is very cheap, 2$ per month and 20$ per year.If you want to register an uptodate account, send to me a message Facebook https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100012033042613 or telegram https://ift.tt/3cIXwzD will subscribe account first, then you will transfer after received your account py Pay Pal.
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign language.
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?”
The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”
I tried to talk to my antivaxx best friend
Unfortunately the ouija board wasn't working
I named my dog “5 miles” so I could say “I walked 5 miles”
But today, I ran over 5 miles
Boy asks, “Granny, have u seen my pills, they’re marked LSD”
Granny replies, "Fuck the pills, have u seen the dragon in the kitchen?!"
A very shy guy goes into a bar
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"
I’m really upset! Someone stole my limbo stick!
I mean how low can you go!?
What do you call a dinosaur with shoes on?
Zapatosaurus
Why does the Swedish Navy have bar codes on their ship?
So when they come back to port they can Scandinavian.
Mars: I’m wet.
NASA: I’m coming over.
My boss fired me for making too many Asian jokes.
It was the end of my Korea. I'm still China find another job.
Did you know the first French fry wasn’t cooked in France?
It was cooked in Greece
Why can’t melons get married?
Because they cantaloupe
A mathematician walks into a bar, asks for a beer for himself, and then 10 beers for everyone else there.
The bartender says, “Wow! That’s a different order of magnitude.”
Dad: *washing car with son*
Son: Dad, can't you just use a sponge ?
What goes with the Coronavirus?
Lyme Disease
Why was Yoda afraid of 7?
Because 6, 7 8.
My computer said my password is insecure.
Well maybe if it wasn't forced to have such strict requirements it would be more confident.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer
I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!
Did you know there are no canaries on the Canary Islands? Same as with the Virgin Islands…
No canaries there either.
I just spotted an albino Dalmatian.
It was the least I could do to help.
How do you make a tissue dance?
Put a little boogie in it!
What do you call a hippies wife
Mississippi
How many kids with ADD does it take to change a lightbulb
Let's go ride bikes!
